Happy Gilmore quotes

View Quote Mover #1: I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
Happy Gilmore: Give me the stupid club. Look at this stupid thing.
Mover #1: This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, you like that?
[Happy hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street]
Mover #1: Holy shit.
Happy Gilmore: Go back to work.
Mover #1: That house is like 400 yards away.
Happy Gilmore: Is that good?
Mover #1: That's unbelieveable.
Mover #2: Beginner's luck. Twenty buck says you can't do it again.
Happy Gilmore: Bring it on.
[Happy hits the ball in the same direction]
Distant neighbor: You guys are going to pay for that! Ow!
Mover #1: You hit that guy.
Happy Gilmore: He shouldn't have been standing there.
Mover #2: One more time, double or nothing.
Happy Gilmore: You better pay up.
[Happy hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off]
Happy Gilmore: Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.

View Quote Mr. Larson: [after Shooter hits the ball off Mr. Larson's foot] That's two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you.
Mr. Larson: And you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot.
Crowd: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.

View Quote Mr. Larson: [after Shooter takes the gold jacket] Hey, I believe that's Mr. Gilmore's! [In slow motion] Raaahrrr! I will get you Shooter! [Amidst beatings] Stay still!

View Quote Mr. Larson: Trying to reach the green from here Shooter?
Shooter: That's not possible, sir.
Mr. Larson: I beg to differ. Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.
Shooter: [turning around] Well that's good for Happy Gilmo-- (turns around and sees Mr. Larson) My God!

View Quote Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What's that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so.

View Quote Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy: Why don't I just go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may! What do you say?

View Quote Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?

View Quote Shooter McGavin: Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?

View Quote Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they suck.

View Quote Virginia: [stopping Happy from fighting Shooter] Hey, hey, hey, hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
Happy Gilmore: That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
Shooter McGavin: Yeah, and Grizzly Adams had a beard.
Lee Trevino: Grizzly Adams did have a beard.

View Quote Virginia: Did you see that?
Shooter McGavin: Yes. Nice shot.
Virginia: He just got a hole-in-one on a par four!
Shooter McGavin: I know. I just said I saw it.
Virginia: [laughs] Oh, I hope he wins. He's a publicist's dream. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball that far - oh, he could really draw a crowd.
[Virginia walks away smiling]
Shooter McGavin: [under his breath] You know what else could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.

View Quote Virginia: I thought we were just going to be friends.
Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark.

View Quote Virginia: What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: I didn't break it, I was merely testing its durability, and I placed it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I thought he should be with his family.

View Quote [after an air conditioning vent falls on an old lady] Uh, you know that "Mista, Mista" lady? Well, I think I just killed her.

View Quote [clown laughter] I hate that clown. [Happy succeeds in getting the ball in the clown's mouth] Yeah! [clown head spits ball back out and starts laughing again] You're gonna die, clown! [Happy proceeds to break off the clown's nose with his putter] You think that's funny?! I don't hear you laughing now!