What are you doing in these parts?
Oin [the dwarves remain silent]
Don't worry, lads. I'll handle this.
No tricks! I want the truth! Warts and all.
Oin You're going to have to speak up. Your boys have flattened my trumpet.
Great Goblin [angry, heading towards them] I'll flatten more than your trumpet!
[steps forward]
It's more information you want, I'm the one you should speak to! [Great Goblin looks at Bofur] We were on the road. Well, it's not so much of a road as path. Actually, it's not even that come to think of it- it's more like a track. Anyway, the point is we were on this road, like a path, like a track, and then we weren't. Which is a problem, because we were supposed to be in Dunland last Tuesday.
Dori Visiting distant relations.
Some inbreds on me mother's side.
[enraged]
Shut UP!!! If they will not talk, we'll make them squawk! Bring out the Mangler! Bring out the Bone-Breaker! [points at Ori] Start with the youngest!
Well, well, well! Look who it is. Thorin, son of Thráin, son of Thrór! King Under the Mountain. [bows mockingly] Oh! But I'm forgetting, you don't have a mountain, and you're not a king. Which makes you... nobody, really. I know someone who will pay a pretty price for your head. Just a head, nothing attached. Perhaps you know of whom I speak. An old enemy of yours. A Pale Orc astride a White Warg.
Azog the Defiler was destroyed. He was slain in battle long ago!
So you think his defiling days are done, do you? [chuckles, then turns to his scribe] Send word to the Pale Orc. Tell him I have found his prize.
Saruman Tell me, Gandalf, did you think these plans and schemes of yours would go unnoticed?
Unnoticed? No, I... I'm simply doing what I feel to be right.
The dragon has long been on your mind.
This is true, my lady. Smaug owes allegiance to no one, but if he should side with the Enemy... A dragon could be used to terrible effect.
Saruman What enemy? Gandalf, the Enemy is defeated. Sauron is vanquished. He can never regain his full strength.
[extended scene]
Does it not worry you that the last of the Dwarf-rings should simply vanish along with its bearer? Of the Seven Dwarf-rings, four were consumed by dragons, two were taken by Sauron before he fell in Mordor. The fate of the last Dwarf-ring remains unknown. The ring that was borne by Thrain.
Saruman Without the Ruling Ring of Power, the Seven are no value to the Enemy. To control the other Rings, he needs the One. And that Ring was lost long, long ago. It was swept out to sea by the waters of the Anduin.
Gandalf. For four-hundred years, we have lived in peace, a hard-won, Watchful Peace.
Are we- are we at peace? Trolls have come down from the mountains, they are raiding villages, destroying farms. Orcs have attacked us on the road!
Saruman Always you must meddle, looking for trouble when none exists.
There is something at work beyond the evil of Smaug. Something far more powerful. We could remain blind to it but it will not be ignoring us, that I can promise you. A sickness lies over the Greenwood. The Woodsmen who live there now call it Mirkwood and, uh, they say...
Saruman Well, don't stop now. Tell us what the Woodsmen say.
They speak of a Necromancer living in Dol Guldur, a sorcerer who could summon the dead.
Saruman That's absurd. No such power exists in this world. This "Necromancer" is nothing more than a mortal man. A conjurer dabbling in black magic.
And so I thought too, but Radagast had seen...
Saruman Radagast? Do not speak to me of Radagast the Brown. He is a foolish fellow.
Well, he's odd, I'll grant you. He lives a solitary life...
Saruman It's not that. It's his excessive consumption of mushrooms! They've addled his brain and yellowed his teeth!
[Bilbo regains consciousness and sees Gollum dragging and attacking a goblin that he fought. In the process, Gollum dropped a golden Ring. As Gollum drags the goblin away, Bilbo gets up, goes to the Ring, picks it up, and puts it in his pocket. He sees Gollum eating the goblin. Bilbo hides behind a rock, his sword's light dims out. Gollum quietly rides his boat across the river and pops out from over the rock, Bilbo is hiding and jumps in front of Bilbo]
G Gollum
Bless us and splash us, precious! That's a meaty mouthful! [Bilbo points his sword at Gollum's throat, Gollum notices the blade] Gollum! Gollum!
Back! Stay back. I'm... warning you. Don't come any closer.
SA Sméagol
It's got an elfish blade.
G Gollum
But it's not a elfs.
SA Sméagol
Not an elfs, no. What is it, precious? What is it?
My name is... Bilbo Baggins.
SA Sméagol
[confused]
Bagginses? What is a Bagginses, precious?
I'm a hobbit from the Shire.
SA Sméagol
Oh! [laughs a little] We like goblinses, batses, and fishes, but we hasn't tried hobbitses before!
G Gollum
Is it soft? Is it juicy?
[swings his sword]
Now... Now, keep... keep... keep your distance! I'll use this if I have to! [Gollum screams] I don't want any trouble! Do you understand!? Just show me the way to get out of here and I'll be on my way!
G Gollum
Why? Is it lost?
Yes. Yes, and I want to get un-lost as soon as possible.
SA Sméagol
Oh! We knows! We knows safe paths for hobbitses! Safe paths in the dark-
G Gollum
Wasn't talking to you!
SA Sméagol
Well, yes, we was, precious. We was.
I-I don’t know what your game is, but I...
SA Sméagol
[ecstatic]
GAMES?! Oh, we loves games! Doesn't we, precious? Does it like games? Does it, does it, does it like to play?
SA Sméagol
What has roots as nobody sees, Is taller than trees. Up, up, up it goes, And yet never grows?
SA Sméagol
Yes! Yes! Oh, let's have another one, huh? Yes, yeah, go, do it again! Do it, do it again! Ask us!
G Gollum
No! No more riddles! Finish him off! Finish him now! Gollum! Gollum!
No, no, no, no. I-I want to play. I do. I want to play. I can see you are very good at this. So, why don't we have a game of riddles? Yes, just-just-just you and me.
SA Sméagol
Yes. Just-just-just us.
Yes. Yes! And if I win, you show me the way out, yes?
G Gollum
And if it loses, what then?
SA Sméagol
Well, if it loses, precious, then we eats it! [to Bilbo] If Baggins loses, we eats it whole.
[Long pause]
Fair enough. [puts his sword away, Gollum looks at the sword, then Sméagol looks up at him innocently.]
SA Sméagol
But Baggins first.
[thinks for a moment]
Thirty white horses on a red hill. / First they champ, then they stamp, / Then they stand still.
SA Sméagol
[Pause, Sméagol thinks for a long moment]
Teef? [Teeth] [Bilbo has a look of defeat] TEEF! [Laughs] Oh, yes, my precious! But we... we only have...
G Gollum
Nine. [Shows his teeth, Bilbo shows a disgusted look] Our turn. Voiceless it cries / Wingless flutters / Toothless bites / Mouthless mutters.
SA Sméagol
Oh! Ooh! We knows! We knows!
[Bilbo looks at the pond in the cave]
Wind. It's wind! Of course it is.
G Gollum
[snarls]
Very clever, hobbitses. Very clever...!
[pulls out his sword to prevent Gollum from attacking him]
A-a-a-a-a-a box without hinges, key, or-or lid / Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
SA Sméagol
Um... No, uh... Box. Uh, uh, uh, um... Box, a lid and a key...
SA Sméagol
Box... Key, lid, and...
SA Sméagol
Give us a chance, precious! Give us a chance! [strains his memory] EGGSES! Eggses! Wet, crunchy little eggses, yes! Grandmother taught us to suck them, yes! Yes!
G Gollum
We have one for you. All things it devours, birds, beasts, trees, flowers. Gnaws iron, bites steel, grinds hard stones to meal. Answer us.
[nervously]
Give me a moment, please! I gave you a good long while. [muttering to himself] Birds, beasts... Beasts? Trees, flowers... [out loud] I don't know this one.
G Gollum
Is it...tasty? [singsong voice] ♪Is it scruuuuumptiooooooooouuuuuuus??♪ [grabs Bilbo from behind] Is it crunchable?!
[jumps back and points his sword]
Let me think! Let me think!
G Gollum
[Tries to think of the answer, but is stumped. Gollum grins.]
It's stuck. Bagginses is stuck... [pause] Time's up. [starts to crawl down]
[realizing]
Time. Time... [louder] The answer...is time. [Gollum groans in frustration] Ahem. Actually, it wasn't that hard.
G Gollum
Last question. Last chance. [picks up a rock]
'Bilbo': Okay... [thinks]
G Gollum
Ask us. [pause] ASK US!!
Yes, yes. All right. [he thinks, putting his hand in his pocket, he speaks to himself] What have I got in my pocket?
G Gollum
[believing Bilbo asked him a riddle]
That's... That's not fair. It's not fair! That's against the rules! [throws the rock down upset] Now ask us another one!
[realizing]
No. No, no, no. You said ask me a question. Well, that is my question. What have I got in my pocket?
G Gollum
Three guesses, precious. It must give us three. [holds up only two fingers]
Three guesses. Very well. Guess away.
[shows Gollum his hand]
Wrong. Guess again.
SA Sméagol
[searching through bones sitting by him]
Fishbones, goblins' teeth, wet shells... Bat wings... Oh... [paws the ground, groaning in frustration] KNIFE!!!
Two guesses at once. Wrong both times. [Gollum tips over, falls, and starts crying] So... come then. I won the game; you promised to show me the way out.
G Gollum
Did we say so, precious? Did we say so? [looks at Bilbo suspiciously] What has it got in its pocketses?
That's no concern of yours. You lost.
G Gollum
"Lost"? "Lost"? "Lost"?! [reaches into his pocket for the Ring, but panics to find it missing]
SA Sméagol
Where is it? Where is it?! No! Where is it?! NOOOOO!!!!! No! Lost! Curse us and splash us, my precious is lost!
[quickly takes the ring out of his pocket and hides it behind his back]
What have you lost?
SA Sméagol
Mustn't ask us! Not its business! NO!!! Gollum! Gollum! [cries for a moment, Bilbo starts to feel pity for him, Gollum looks at his reflection in the water and his sadness slowly turns to anger]
G Gollum
What has it got in his nasty... little... pocketses?
G Gollum
[Bilbo holds the ring behind his back and points his sword at Gollum, who realizes that Bilbo has the ring]
He stole it. He stole it! AHHHH!!! HE STOLE IT!!!!! [throws a rock at Bilbo, who reflects it with his sword and runs off with Gollum on his tail]
[The doorbell rings; Bilbo goes to answer it and finds a dwarf.] [Bows]
Dwalin, at your service.
Uh, Bilbo...Baggins. At yours. [Dwalin walks in] Do we know each other?
No. Which way, laddie? Is it down here?
Supper. He said there'd be food and lots of it.
[Dwalin proceeds to the kitchen and eats Bilbo's dinner]
Very good, this. Any more?
What? Oh, uh, yes, yes. [finds a jar of seed-cakes] Help yourself. [pauses as Dwalin eats away] It's just that, um, I wasn't expecting company.
[The doorbell rings]
That'll be the door.
[Bilbo opens the door, the dwarf smiles and bows]
Balin, At your service.
Yes, it is. Though I think it might rain later. Am I late?
[catches Dwalin trying to get more scones out of another jar]
OH! Evening, brother!
[sets down the jar and smiles]
Ho ho, by my beard! You are shorter and wider than last we met.
Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for both of us.
[Dwalin and Balin laugh and butt heads. They proceed to raid Bilbo's pantry while talking with each other]
Excuse me? Sorry, I hate to interrupt, but the thing is I'm not entirely sure you're in the right house. It's not that I don't like visitors. I-I like visitors as much as the next hobbit, but I do like to know them before they come visiting. The thing is...uh...the thing is, I don't know either of you, not in the slightest. I don't mean to be blunt, but I had to speak my mind. I'm sorry.
[suddenly noticing that Bilbo was talking]
Apology accepted. [smiles, to Bilbo's growing confusion]
Kili 
Fili 
