Hot Fuzz 2007 quotes, page 4

Peter Ian Staker

Morning, the swan's escaped.

Nicholas Angel

The swan's escaped. Right, and where has the swan escaped from, exactly?

Peter Ian Staker

The castle.

Nicholas Angel

Oh yeah, and who might you be?

Peter Ian Staker

Mr. Staker. Mr. Peter Ian Staker.

Nicholas Angel

PI Staker? Right, pisstaker! Come on!

Nicholas Angel

Yes Mr. Staker, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it?

Peter Ian Staker

It's about two-feet tall, long slender neck, kinda orange and black bill...

Nicholas Angel

Anything else?

Peter Ian Staker

Well... it's a swan.

Reverend Phillip Shooter

Stop! Stop this, please! Let us stop this mindless violence! Nicholas my son, you may not be a man of God, but surely you are a man of peace.

Nicholas Angel

I may not be a man of god, Reverend, but I know right, and I know wrong, and I have the good grace to know which is which.

Reverend Phillip Shooter

Oh... **** off, grasshopper! [produces two deringers from his robe sleeves and shoots Nicholas]

Danny Butterman

NO! [shoots the Reverend]

Reverend Phillip Shooter

Jesus Christ!

Danny Butterman

NICHOLAS! [Nicholas looks up at him] I thought you was a goner.

Dr. Hatcher

DROP YOUR WEAPONS!

Danny Butterman

Doctor Hatcher, no!

Dr. Hatcher

Shut up, Danny! I brought you into this world, I think its rather fitting that I should be the one to take you out of it. Now... drop 'em.
[Danny throws his shotgun to the ground and it fires, blowing off Hatcher's toe] OWWW!!!

Nicholas Angel

You're a doctor. Deal with it.

Danny Butterman

Yeah, mother****er.

Nicholas Angel

Danny, let's roll.

Danny Butterman

What you thinking?

Nicholas Angel

Pub?

Sergeant Tony Fisher

Must have hit the sign at some speed. Took the whole top off.

PC Doris Thatcher

I've had my top off in this lay-by. Ha ha!

PC Bob Walker

Tits.

Sergeant Tony Fisher

Most likely lost control here, left the road there, and ended up... here.

Very good. What he said.

Sgt. Turner #2

I dunno, nobody tells me nothin'.

Sgt. Turner

Oh, Sgt. Angel, someone from London called for you. [Angel turns to face him, he is literally covered in firearms all over his black suit, he has a tooth pick in his mouth] I'll tell 'em you'll ring em back.

Simon Skinner

Michael? Michael! Are you there? Micheal! Is everything okay?

Nicholas Angel

Yarp.

Simon Skinner

Sergeant Angel's been taken care of?

Nicholas Angel

Yarp.

Simon Skinner

He's not gonna get back up again?

Nicholas Angel

Narp?

Simon Skinner

Good.

Simon Skinner

GET...OUT...OF MY...VILLAGE!!!

Nicholas Angel

IT'S NOT YOUR VILLAGE ANYMORE!!! [Uppercuts him into a model building]

Simon Skinner

Lock me up.

Nicholas Angel

I'm sorry?

Simon Skinner

I'm a slasher, and I must be stopped.

Nicholas Angel

You're a what?

Simon Skinner

A slasher... of prices! Ha ha ha, just kidding! I'm Simon Skinner, and I run the local Supermarche. Stop in and see me some time. My discounts are criminal! Catch me later!

Simon Skinner

You see, much as I enjoyed your wild theories Sergeant, the truth is far less complex. Blower's fate was simply the result of his being... an appalling actor.

Nicholas Angel

You murdered him for that?

Simon Skinner

He murdered Bill Shakespeare.

Nicholas Angel

What? Oh.

Annette Roper

Martin Blower was less concerned with the reputation of the village than he was with his sordid affair with Eve Draper!

Nicholas Angel

So Eve deserved to die too?

Dr. Robin Hatcher

Well, she did have a very annoying laugh.

Nicholas Angel

George Merchant?

Simon Skinner

He had an awful house.

Tim Messenger

Sergeant Angel, Hi hi. Quick word for the Sandford Citizen?

Nicholas Angel

Uh, it was very enjoyable.

Tim Messenger

'Cop Enjoys Watching Young Lovers'?

Nicholas Angel

I don't think so.

Tim Messenger

'Local Bobby Gives Thumbs Up to Teen Suicide'?

Nicholas Angel

That's just grossly inappropriate.

Martin Blower

Was I going a tad fast, officer?

Nicholas Angel

Yes you were Mister... Blower.

Martin Blower

Well now you see, we are staging a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and we're a little late for the dress rehersal. I'm playing the eponymous hero. Romeo, not Juliet.

Martin Blower

What are you writing?

Nicholas Angel

Everything you're saying, I might need to refer to it later.

Martin Blower

Now officer, I am a respected solicitor so there's no need to-- just stop writing now. Look, I am merely trying to explain why I might have exeeded the speed limit.

Nicholas Angel

You're playing the male lead in a homage to William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and you're late for the dress rehersal. Do you think this is a good enough reason to travel at 48 in a 30 zone?

Martin Blower

But I--

Nicholas Angel

To flout speed limits specifically put in place to save lives?

Martin Blower

Oh, now this is preposterous!

Nicholas Angel

'Preposterous.'

Martin Blower

Just stop WRITING!

Nicholas Angel

'Stop writing.'

Tom Weaver

You know what you are? A BLOODY BUSYBODY!

Sgt. Turner

'Sergeant Nicholas Angel'. When did you start?

Nicholas Angel

Tomorrow.

Sgt. Turner

I see you've already arrested the whole village.

Sergeant Tony Fisher

Impressive Collar. Shame Mr. Skinner doesn't wanna press charges.

Nicholas Angel

What do you mean, he doesn't wanna press charges?

Simon Skinner

I'm simply suggesting that young Peter be given a second chance, before he becomes just another crime statistic. I'm sure he's going to learn a valuable lesson.

Sergeant Tony Fisher

Stealing biscuits is... wrong?

Simon Skinner

Correct.

Sergeant Tony Fisher

Oh, thanks!

Nicholas Angel

And yet we respond by not taking a single punitive measure?

Simon Skinner

Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Sergeant Tony Fisher

It's like the biscuits, isn't it? [chuckles]

Nicholas Angel

Mr. Skinner--

Frank Butterman

Is everything all right?

Nicholas Angel

Well sir, Mr. Skinner feels that it would be better not to prosecute an individual who has committed a blatant offence.

Frank Butterman

Leave this with me. I'll make sure everyone gets their just desserts.

Oh no!

Danny Butterman

I can't believe I shot someone.

Nicholas Angel

He's a doctor, he can deal with it.

Danny Butterman

I've never shot anyone before.

Nicholas Angel

Believe me Danny, it's not something you ever get used to.

Danny Butterman

Yeah. Maybe we should go on the bouncy castle to take our minds off it.