Intolerable Cruelty quotes

View Quote Freddy Bender: If you have a proposal to make, let's hear it.
Miles Massey: Well, at this point, my client is still prepared to consider reconciliation.
Freddy Bender: My client's ruled that out.
Miles Massey: My client is prepared to entertain an amicable dissolution to the marriage without prejudice.
Freddy Bender: That's a fart in a stiff wind.
Miles Massey: My client proposes a 30-day cooling-off period.
Freddy Bender: My client feels sufficiently dispassionate.
Miles Massey: My client asks that you not initiate proceedings pending his setting certain affairs in order.

View Quote Freddy Bender: Objection, Your Honor: strangling the witness.
Judge Marva Munson: I'm going to allow it.

View Quote Gus Petch: ...and those Rottweilers were a menace, man!
Miles Massey: I told you she had dogs.
Gus Petch: You didn't tell me they had a hard on for Anus Africanus!

View Quote Marylin Rexroth: They bought Massey's argument. If I lied or cheated and was with Rex only for his money, then he shouldn't have to give me any.
Sarah Sorkin: Well, that makes no sense. Why else would you put in all those years?

View Quote Miles Massey: "Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard, they make no battery..." Mrs. Rexroth, do you know those lines?
Freddy Bender: Objection, your honor.
Judge Marva Munson: Grounds?
Freddy Bender: Uh... poetry recitation.

View Quote Miles Massey: [after ordering food for both of them] I assume you're a carnivore.
Marylin Rexroth: [laughing] Oh, Mr. Massey. You have *no* *idea*.

View Quote Miles Massey: [of Rex's wife] Has she retained counsel?
Rex: I don't know... She has Rottweilers.
Miles Massey: Not a good sign.

View Quote Miles Massey: All right, so much for the ice-breakers. What are you after, Freddy? [takes a drink of water]
Freddy Bender: My client is prepared to settle for 50 percent of the marital assets. [Miles spits out some water]
Miles Massey: Why only 50, Freddy? Why not a hundred? While we're dreaming, why not 150? Are you familiar with "Kershner"?
Freddy Bender: "Kershner" does not apply.
Miles Massey: Bring this to trial, we'll see if "Kershner" applies.
Rex: What's "Kershner"?
Miles Massey: Please, let me handle this.
Freddy Bender: "Kershner" was in Kentucky.
Miles Massey: "Kershner" was in Kentucky?
Freddy Bender: "Kershner" was in Kentucky.
Miles Massey: All right, Freddy, forget "Kershner". What's your bottom line?
Freddy Bender: Primary residence, 30 percent of remaining assets.
Miles Massey: What, are you nuts? Have you forgotten "Kershner"?

View Quote Miles Massey: Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Henry the Eighth. What do they have in common?
Wrigley: [thinks] Middle name?

View Quote Miles Massey: I guess, something inside of me died, when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me.
Marylin Rexroth: Wait a minute. You hired him to kill me.
Freddy Bender: No. Both of you wait a minute. Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone.
Wrigley: Hear, hear.
Freddy Bender: Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house.
Wrigley: Miles's house.
Freddy Bender: Whatever. A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented, became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself.

View Quote Miles Massey: So you propose, that in spite demonstrable infidelity on your part, your unoffending wife should be tossed out on her ear.
Rex: Is it possible?
Miles Massey: It's a challenge.

View Quote Mrs. Gutman: Sometimes there would be a gizmo.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: A gizmo?
Mrs. Gutman: He had a device he called the Intruder. It was something he had the engineers at the factory design. And then he had a prototype built out of the parts from our vacuum cleaner.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: I see.
Mrs. Gutman: So the vacuum cleaner wasn't available to me for several months.
Mrs. Gutman's Lawyer: Several months without the appliance.
Mrs. Gutman: Yes.

View Quote Rex Rexroth: Have you sat before her before?
Miles Massey: No. No, the judge sits first. Then we sit.
Rex Rexroth: Well, have you sat after her before?
Wrigley: Sat after her before? You mean, have we argued before her before?
Miles Massey: The judge sits in judgment. The counsel argues before the judge.
Rex Rexroth: So, have you argued before her before?
Wrigley: Before her before, or before she sat before?
Rex Rexroth: Before her before. I said, before her before.
Wrigley: No, you said before she sat before.
Rex Rexroth: I did at first, but...
Miles Massey: Look, don't argue.
Rex Rexroth: I'm not. I'm...
Wrigley: No, you don't argue. We argue.
Miles Massey: Counsel argues.
Wrigley: You appear.
Miles Massey: The judge sits.
Wrigley: Then you sit.
Miles Massey: Or you stand in contempt.
Wrigley: And then we argue.
Miles Massey: The counsel argues.
Rex Rexroth: Which you've done before.
Miles Massey: Which we've done before.
Rex Rexroth: Ah.
Wrigley: But not before her.

View Quote Rex: My wife has me between a rock and a hard place.
Miles Massey: That's her job. You should respect that.

View Quote Wrigley: Uh, I'll just have a, um, salad, please. Um, baby field greens.
Nero's Waitress: What did you call me?
Wrigley: Uh, no, I-I... I-I didn't call you anything.
Nero's Waitress: You want a salad?
Wrigley: Yeah. Do you... Do you have a, uh, green salad?
Nero's Waitress: What the **** color would it be?
Wrigley: Why are we eating here?
Nero's Waitress: What's his problem?
Miles Massey: Just bring him an iceberg lettuce and a mealy tomato wedge smothered with French Dressing.
Nero's Waitress: And for you?
Miles Massey: Ham sandwich on stale rye bread. Lots of mayo, easy on the ham.
Nero's Waitress: Slaw Cup?
Miles Massey: What the hell.