Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back quotes

View Quote Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the **** is the Internet?
Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.

View Quote Hooker #1: Hey, little man! You want some of this?
Hooker #2: How 'bout you, big boy?
Hooker #1: You got 50 bucks, we can get NASTY.
Jay: Oh, yeah? How nasty?
Hooker #1: As nasty as you want to be, papi.
Jay: Oh, all right. Well, first, I want you to tongue my bung, while you juggle my balls in one hand, and play with my asshole with the other, but don't stick you're finger in. Then I want to pinky you while I stick in your ****in' friend's brown, while Silent Bob watches, and ****in' spanks it in a Dixie cup. After that, I want to smell your titties for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my dick so it looks like a bullfrog. Then I want you to ****in' flick my nuts while your friend spanks me off in the same Dixie cup that Silent Bob jizzed in. Then, we throw the Dixie cup out.
[brief silence]
Hooker #1: Oh, that's it, honey! I quit! This job just passed the point of no return!
[both hookers leave]
Jay: What? You said "nasty"!
[to Silent Bob]
Jay: Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck-up.

View Quote James Van Der Beek: [about "Dawson's Creek"] You actually watch that show?
Jay: Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine. Did you ever get to 3rd base with her?
James Van Der Beek: Well, actually there was this one time...

View Quote Jay: [after tossing Brent out of the van] Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep ****er?
Brent: I would *never* **** a sheep!
[sees a sheep in a nearby field]
Brent: Hey there. How you doing?
[reaches for a condom]
Brent: I *love* animals.
[goes for the sheep]

View Quote Jay: [after trying to figure out what Silent Bob is trying to tell him] Well, come on! SAY IT already!
Silent Bob: THE SIGN! ON THE BACK OF THE CAR! IT SAID "CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD"! YOU DUMB ****!

View Quote Jay: [singing] ****, ****, ****,
Mother, mother ****,
Mother, mother ****, ****
Mother ****, mother ****,
Noich noich noich,
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4,
Noich, noich noich
Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz,
Doin' coke, drinkin' beers,
Drinkin' beers, beers, beers,
Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts,
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts.
Rollin' blunts and smokin'...
Teen #2: Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Jay: [singing] Fifteen bucks, little man,
Put that shit in my hand,
If that money doesn't show,
Then you owe me, owe me, owe,
My jungle love, yeah,
Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe,
I think I want to know ya, know ya,
Yeah, what?
Teen #1: What the hell are you singing?
Jay: You don't know "Jungle Love?" That shit is the mad notes. Written by God herself and sent down to the greatest band in the world: The mother-****ing Time.
Teen #2: You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
[Silent Bob points to the two teens]
Teen #1: Yeah, Purple Rain.
Teen #2: Man, that shit was so gay - ****ing eighties style.

View Quote Jay: [the monkey has been put into a car] Man, who the **** steals monkeys?
Silent Bob: [Points to Jay and himself]
Jay: Oh yeah...

View Quote Jay: [to Silent Bob] It's either this or jail. And you know what they do to you in jail.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: I was a guard. Alright, and after it's all over, you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea party".

View Quote Jay: And I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourselves eat that shit. Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?
Brent: [getting into the van] Say, what's all this talk about farting?

View Quote Jay: Do they say who's ****in' playing us in the movie?
Holden: No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies.
Jay: Who?
Holden: You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting?
Jay: You mean that ****in' movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Holden: Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Jay: Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mall****er.

View Quote Jay: Hey, I'll make you a deal - this guy
[points to Silent Bob]
Jay: will suck your dick off if you let us go.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual.
Jay: How about this deal- he'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Alright.
[takes Jay and Silent Bob behind a wall, out of sight]
Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon: Make it fast and sexy.

View Quote Jay: Hey, lawdog.
[Willenholly realizes Jay & Silent Bob didn't jump]
Whillenholly: Aww, **** Meeeee!.
Jay: See you in hell, ****smoker!

View Quote Jay: Hey, wait a second! Aren't you the guy who ****ed the pie!
Jason Biggs: You see! It's never "Hey! You're that guy from Loser" or "Hey you rocked in Boys and Girls." No, it always comes back to that ****ing pie! I'm HAUNTED by it!
James Van Der Beek: You put your dick in a pie!

View Quote Jay: If today is Tuesday and the movie starts filming on Friday, we have...
[counting his fingers, holds up ten]
Jay: ...eight days.
Holden: Uh, three by my count, but close.
Jay: Right. My bad. Three days to stop that ****ing movie from getting made. Come on, Silent Bob. We're going to Hollywood!

View Quote Jay: It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust up some people who were calling us names on the internet, even thought they're not really talking about us but characters based on us, and at the same time find my ex-girlfriend-who-was-killed-by-a-car-explosion's monkey.
Pumpkin Escobar: Man... I don't know what the **** you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart.