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Damon: So, have you thought a little more about what you might want for your birthday?
Mindy: Can I get a puppy?
Damon: [in disbelief] You wanna get a dog?
Mindy: Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one. And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha.
[Damon is stunned.]
Mindy: [laughing] I'm just messing with you, Daddy. Look, I'd love a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife.
Damon: [in relief] Oh, child. You always knock me for a loop. You know what?
Mindy: What?
Damon: I'm gonna get you two.
Mindy: Two?
Damon: One balisong. Two balisong. That's what you get.
Mindy: Can I get a puppy?
Damon: [in disbelief] You wanna get a dog?
Mindy: Yeah, a cuddly, fluffy one. And a Bratz Movie Star Makeover Sasha.
[Damon is stunned.]
Mindy: [laughing] I'm just messing with you, Daddy. Look, I'd love a Benchmade Model 42 butterfly knife.
Damon: [in relief] Oh, child. You always knock me for a loop. You know what?
Mindy: What?
Damon: I'm gonna get you two.
Mindy: Two?
Damon: One balisong. Two balisong. That's what you get.
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Dave: How come nobody's ever tried to be a superhero?
Marty: Boy, I don't know. Probably 'cause it's ****ing impossible, dipshit.
Dave: What, putting on a mask and helping people? How's that impossible?
Todd: That's not superhero, though. How is that super? Super's like being stronger than everybody and flying and shit. That's just hero.
Marty: No, it's not even hero. It's just ****ing psycho.
Todd: Hmm.
Dave: Hello? Bruce Wayne? He didn't have any powers.
Todd: Yes, but he had all the expensive shit that doesn't exist. I thought you mean like, "How come nobody does it in real life?"
Dave: Yeah, Todd. That's what I meant.
Marty: Dude, if anybody did it in real life, they'd get their ass kicked. They'd be dead in like a day.
Todd: A day.
Dave: Yeah, okay, I'm not saying they should do it. I just can't figure out why nobody does. Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes, you'd think one would give it a try. [Todd and Marty just give Dave looks of disagreement] Jesus, doesn't that bug you guys? Like thousands of people want to be Paris Hilton; nobody wants to be Spider-Man.
Marty: [to Todd] Yeah, what's with that? She has like no tits, at all.
Marty: Boy, I don't know. Probably 'cause it's ****ing impossible, dipshit.
Dave: What, putting on a mask and helping people? How's that impossible?
Todd: That's not superhero, though. How is that super? Super's like being stronger than everybody and flying and shit. That's just hero.
Marty: No, it's not even hero. It's just ****ing psycho.
Todd: Hmm.
Dave: Hello? Bruce Wayne? He didn't have any powers.
Todd: Yes, but he had all the expensive shit that doesn't exist. I thought you mean like, "How come nobody does it in real life?"
Dave: Yeah, Todd. That's what I meant.
Marty: Dude, if anybody did it in real life, they'd get their ass kicked. They'd be dead in like a day.
Todd: A day.
Dave: Yeah, okay, I'm not saying they should do it. I just can't figure out why nobody does. Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes, you'd think one would give it a try. [Todd and Marty just give Dave looks of disagreement] Jesus, doesn't that bug you guys? Like thousands of people want to be Paris Hilton; nobody wants to be Spider-Man.
Marty: [to Todd] Yeah, what's with that? She has like no tits, at all.
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Frank D'Amico: [fighting Hit-Girl] Ruin my business, huh? Kill every single ****ing guy on my payroll?! [picks up gun] God, I wish I had a son like you. [points gun at Hit-Girl] Time for a family reunion.
Dave/Kick-Ass: Hey! [Frank looks up to see Kick-Ass holding a bazooka] Why don't you pick on somebody your own size? [blasts Frank out of the window]
Dave/Kick-Ass: Hey! [Frank looks up to see Kick-Ass holding a bazooka] Why don't you pick on somebody your own size? [blasts Frank out of the window]
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Huge Goon: Everything is under control. [grabs the bazooka]
Red Mist: Under control? You're grabbing a ****ing bazooka, you dumbass!
Red Mist: Under control? You're grabbing a ****ing bazooka, you dumbass!
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Marcus Williams: You owe that kid a childhood.
Big Daddy: I'll tell you who owes her a childhood: FRANK D'AMICO!
Big Daddy: I'll tell you who owes her a childhood: FRANK D'AMICO!
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Mindy: You know what? Everyone likes Kick-Ass. If you see the clip he's actually pretty good.
Damon: Good at getting his ass... kicked. They should call him Ass-Kick, instead. [laughs sarcastically]
Mindy: That doesn't even make sense.
Damon: Good at getting his ass... kicked. They should call him Ass-Kick, instead. [laughs sarcastically]
Mindy: That doesn't even make sense.
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[Dave is sleeping in bed with his costume on; he hears a noise, wakes up, rushes to turn on the light, sees Hit-Girl and Big Daddy standing in his room.]
Dave/Kick-Ass: [panting] I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear!
Big Daddy: Good move, Ass-Kick. Let's keep it that way.
Hit Girl: [shows cartridge in her hand] You know what this is? [Dave shakes his head] It's all the cartridge crap that comes out of your gay little taser when you fire it. You do know the police could've traced this right back to you if they found it? But lucky for you, I picked it up.
Dave/Kick-Ass: [in relief] Thank you. [walks over to claim the stuff from Hit-Girl; Big Daddy takes it from his hands]
Big Daddy: Let's call it insurance. Makes it easier for us to take your word. See, we like you, but we don't trust you.
Hit Girl: Don't take it personal, though. We don't trust anybody.
Big Daddy: I rerouted your IP adress. Finding you was way too easy.
Dave/Kick-Ass: [stammering] Oh, shit. Shit, I hadn't thought…my God, I…I owe you. You know what? I'm thinking of just shutting my site down anyway. Quitting. I mean, this is…it's ****ing insane. I'm in way over my head.
Hit Girl: It's a shame. You have potential.
Big Daddy: Your call. But you know, we're around if you need us.
Dave/Kick-Ass: How do I get a hold of you?
Hit Girl: [sarcastically] You just contact the mayor's office, he has a special signal he shines in the sky. It's in the shape of a giant ****.
Big Daddy: You need us, put on your website that you're on vacation. We'll find you. [to Hit-Girl] Hit-Girl, back to headquarters. [jumps out of window]
Hit Girl: [to Dave, as she follows Big Daddy] Sweet dreams. [Blows him a kiss and then jumps out of window, leaving Dave distraught]
Dave/Kick-Ass: [panting] I didn't say anything to anyone, I swear!
Big Daddy: Good move, Ass-Kick. Let's keep it that way.
Hit Girl: [shows cartridge in her hand] You know what this is? [Dave shakes his head] It's all the cartridge crap that comes out of your gay little taser when you fire it. You do know the police could've traced this right back to you if they found it? But lucky for you, I picked it up.
Dave/Kick-Ass: [in relief] Thank you. [walks over to claim the stuff from Hit-Girl; Big Daddy takes it from his hands]
Big Daddy: Let's call it insurance. Makes it easier for us to take your word. See, we like you, but we don't trust you.
Hit Girl: Don't take it personal, though. We don't trust anybody.
Big Daddy: I rerouted your IP adress. Finding you was way too easy.
Dave/Kick-Ass: [stammering] Oh, shit. Shit, I hadn't thought…my God, I…I owe you. You know what? I'm thinking of just shutting my site down anyway. Quitting. I mean, this is…it's ****ing insane. I'm in way over my head.
Hit Girl: It's a shame. You have potential.
Big Daddy: Your call. But you know, we're around if you need us.
Dave/Kick-Ass: How do I get a hold of you?
Hit Girl: [sarcastically] You just contact the mayor's office, he has a special signal he shines in the sky. It's in the shape of a giant ****.
Big Daddy: You need us, put on your website that you're on vacation. We'll find you. [to Hit-Girl] Hit-Girl, back to headquarters. [jumps out of window]
Hit Girl: [to Dave, as she follows Big Daddy] Sweet dreams. [Blows him a kiss and then jumps out of window, leaving Dave distraught]
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[about to fire the bazooka] Say hello to my little friend!
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[after killing Cody in his car with a car crusher] What a douche.
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[after saving Big Daddy and Kick-Ass from being executed on live television] Show's over, mother****ers. [destroys the video camera]
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[in mockingly childish falsetto] Mommy! I want a Kick-Ass party! [in normal voice] Dumb little ****s.
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[lifts up gun at Mindy] You're gonna be fine, babydoll! [shoots Mindy in the chest]
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[narrating] I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, t. v. shows, you'd think that one eccentric loner would have made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who ever fantasised about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives, we all wanted to be a superhero.
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[while attempting to rescue a stubborn cat named 'Mister Bitey' who was stuck on a billboard platform] **** YOU, Mister Bitey! [falls off platform]
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As a great man once said, "Wait 'til they get a load of me!".