Kicking & Screaming (2005) quotes
36 total quotes
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Umberto: [making the two boys recite] Prima la carne, prima la carne.
Gian Piero: Prima la carne.
Massimo: Prima la carne.
Phil Weston: What?
Umberto: Meat first, THEN soccer!
Phil Weston: Right, meat comes first!
Gian Piero: Prima la carne.
Massimo: Prima la carne.
Phil Weston: What?
Umberto: Meat first, THEN soccer!
Phil Weston: Right, meat comes first!
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[Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game]
Janice Weston: Hi, you guys!
Barbara Weston: Hi!
[hugs Janice]
Barbara Weston: Hi, Buck.
[she kisses him]
Buck Weston: Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil!
Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.
Janice Weston: Hi, you guys!
Barbara Weston: Hi!
[hugs Janice]
Barbara Weston: Hi, Buck.
[she kisses him]
Buck Weston: Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil!
Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.
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[Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on]
Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!
Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!
Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.
Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think one of those things costs?
Phil Weston: I have no idea.
Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!
Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!
Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.
Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think one of those things costs?
Phil Weston: I have no idea.
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Phil Weston: Ambrose
Ambrose: Yeah?
Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?
Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.
Phil Weston: LIAR!
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Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.
[kid starts attacking him]
Phil Weston: [shouts] Get him off me!
[someone pulls kid off]
Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from hell!
Buck Weston: We've got balls!
Phil Weston: And vitamins!
Buck Weston: But mostly balls!
Phil Weston: [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams]
[shout]
Phil Weston: And vitamins!
Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like. Ann Hogan: You ease up on him. Phil Weston: You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket. Byong Sun: Whoo! Electric in the air! Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit! Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car kids! don't look back! Run! Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends. Beantown Employee: My name is Andy! Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies. Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces! Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh? [indicating Phil's smaller sedan] Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha! Referee: Where do I know you from? Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years! Referee: No, that ain't it. Phil Weston: That's definitely it! Referee: I'll figure it out. Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance. Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks. [pause] Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son? Donna Jones: Byong-Sun. Phil Weston: Oh, I see. [pause] Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry. [realizing they are lesbians] Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow! Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents. Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents. Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better? Phil Weston: No, they're different. Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"? Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better. Ambrose's Dad: How are they better? Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way! Ann Hogan: Uh, okay. [she walks off with Donna] Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil. Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun. Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun. Byong Sun: I am a very kind person. Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer? Byong Sun: No sir. Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson. [Ambrose gives him a dirty look] Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that. Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my hands strong [waving hands, gesturing] Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me? Phil Weston: What does that mean? Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes. Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot. Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over? Phil Weston: Right, yeah... Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad! Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it. Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you? [quick cut to Ditka's house] Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind? Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil. Mike Ditka: It's not Paul? Phil Weston: No. Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out. [lights a cigar] Diana Ditka: Mike? Mike Ditka: Here, hold this. [gives cigar to Phil] Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house! Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka. Diana Ditka: You should be. Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey! Donna Jones: [second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip] Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.' Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears... Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa? Mike Ditka: C'mon! Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986... Mike Ditka: '85. Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka! Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa? Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid! Sam Weston: Dad, you're getting a little creepy.
Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon.
Sam Weston: What?
Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!
Neighbor: Shut up out there!
Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE!
[continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]
Buck Weston: You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.
Phil Weston: She didn't die! She divorced you!
Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.
Massimo: [after Sam keeps falling over] Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know? The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate? Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats! Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation. Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game. [throws down his clipboard and walks off] The Tigers: [parent picks it up] Can I have this? Phil Weston: Sure. The Tigers: Alllllright! Mike Ditka: [to the Tigers team] This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...
Phil Weston: Don't get emotional...
Mike Ditka: When it's over...
Phil Weston: [echoing him] When it's over...
Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions!
Phil Weston: Champions!
Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun'
The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!
Mike Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?
Buck Weston: We've got balls!
Phil Weston: And vitamins!
Buck Weston: But mostly balls!
Phil Weston: [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams]
[shout]
Phil Weston: And vitamins!
Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like. Ann Hogan: You ease up on him. Phil Weston: You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket. Byong Sun: Whoo! Electric in the air! Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit! Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car kids! don't look back! Run! Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends. Beantown Employee: My name is Andy! Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies. Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces! Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh? [indicating Phil's smaller sedan] Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha! Referee: Where do I know you from? Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years! Referee: No, that ain't it. Phil Weston: That's definitely it! Referee: I'll figure it out. Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance. Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks. [pause] Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son? Donna Jones: Byong-Sun. Phil Weston: Oh, I see. [pause] Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry. [realizing they are lesbians] Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow! Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents. Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents. Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better? Phil Weston: No, they're different. Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"? Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better. Ambrose's Dad: How are they better? Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way! Ann Hogan: Uh, okay. [she walks off with Donna] Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil. Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun. Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun. Byong Sun: I am a very kind person. Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer? Byong Sun: No sir. Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson. [Ambrose gives him a dirty look] Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that. Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my hands strong [waving hands, gesturing] Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me? Phil Weston: What does that mean? Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes. Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot. Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over? Phil Weston: Right, yeah... Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad! Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it. Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you? [quick cut to Ditka's house] Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind? Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil. Mike Ditka: It's not Paul? Phil Weston: No. Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out. [lights a cigar] Diana Ditka: Mike? Mike Ditka: Here, hold this. [gives cigar to Phil] Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house! Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka. Diana Ditka: You should be. Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey! Donna Jones: [second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip] Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.' Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears... Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa? Mike Ditka: C'mon! Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986... Mike Ditka: '85. Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka! Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa? Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid! Sam Weston: Dad, you're getting a little creepy.
Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon.
Sam Weston: What?
Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!
Neighbor: Shut up out there!
Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE!
[continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]
Buck Weston: You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.
Phil Weston: She didn't die! She divorced you!
Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.
Massimo: [after Sam keeps falling over] Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know? The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate? Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats! Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation. Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game. [throws down his clipboard and walks off] The Tigers: [parent picks it up] Can I have this? Phil Weston: Sure. The Tigers: Alllllright! Mike Ditka: [to the Tigers team] This is gonna be the hardest thing you've ever done in your whole lives. But when it's over...
Phil Weston: Don't get emotional...
Mike Ditka: When it's over...
Phil Weston: [echoing him] When it's over...
Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions!
Phil Weston: Champions!
Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun'
The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's Have Fun!
Mike Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?