Count Olaf quotes

View Quote Hello, hello, hello.

View Quote I realize that my humble abode isn't as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, but I'm coming into a great deal of money soon, and I think it'll be quite charming once it's finished. (Leans forward menacingly) Shall we take a look?

View Quote (While showing the children his house) The kitchen! I know what you're thinking: "This place could use a little TLC". I trust you've had your tetanus shots. Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.

View Quote I'm sorry... I don't speak monkeyish.

View Quote (To the children) You're not afraid of heights are you? (Points to Sunny and laughs) Imagine that: a monkey afraid of heights!

View Quote I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.

View Quote Do you have a hall pass? I didn't think so.

View Quote You are so deceased!

View Quote And I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth. And bravery and nobility will prevail at last. And this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony. And everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littlest Elf! A happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?

View Quote What do you think? Too diabolical? Give me some feedback!

View Quote Now, now. Let's keep our heads here. If you do anything to me, you're just sinking to my level. Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.

View Quote This... is a little piece I like to call "The Electric Chair". (Sits in a chair. Everybody stares at him, while nothing happens. In a country/redneck accent) I think ya' might have t' turn it up a little! (slight pause) Is anybody...OOUUTT TTHHEERREE!!! DAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

View Quote Let's go back to prehistoric times when dinosaurs ruled the earth! [starts acting like a dinosaur and making dinosaur sounds]

View Quote You know, it's a big, big world out there. Filled with desperate orphans who would gladly swim across and ocean of thumbtacks just to be eclipsed by the long shadow cast by my accomplishments. But I don't care about them. I chose to open my heart to you two luvverly children and your hideous primate. All I ask in return is that you do each and every thing that pops into my head while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.