Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events quotes

View Quote (To the children) You're not afraid of heights are you? (Points to Sunny and laughs) Imagine that: a monkey afraid of heights!

View Quote (While showing the children his house) The kitchen! I know what you're thinking: "This place could use a little TLC". I trust you've had your tetanus shots. Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.

View Quote Count Olaf (as Captain Sham): (to Violet) Are you jigging, me girl? (to Aunt Josephine) Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings of an expert fisherman, but grammar is the number one, most important thing in this here world to me.
Aunt Josephine: It is?
Sunny: (baby talk) Is she desperate?
Count Olaf: It's the whole ball of wax. The entire kit and caboodle. Why, without your good gammar, the whole darn shooting match could go arse over tea kettle.
Aunt Josephine: Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.
Count Olaf: I can flip it up and rub it down, too. But of course, that'd be entirely up to you, ma'am.

View Quote Count Olaf (as Captain Sham): Captain Sham, at your service.
Klaus: He's lying! He's Count Olaf!
Aunt Josephine: That horrible man you warned me about? Where? Who?
Violet: Right in front of you!
Count Olaf: Where's he at?
Aunt Josephine: Behind Captain Sham?
Klaus: No!
Count Olaf: I'll show him a thing or two. I'll give him the old "wax on, wax off," me son.
Klaus: Captain Sham is Count Olaf! I am not going through this again! (knocks over Count Olaf)
Count Olaf: Children of the corn!

View Quote Count Olaf: (after showing the children to their "room") And this is where you'll sleep, time permitting. Nighty-night!
Violet: But the sun's still up!
Count Olaf: (mocking) "But the sun's still up!"

View Quote Count Olaf: Now that we're family, I can make it up to you. I can be the ultimate dad!I know lets stop for a treat. Soda, soda, banana.
Sunny: "Bite me."
Count Olaf: Got it.

View Quote Klaus: Aunt Josephine?
Violet: Never heard of her.
Klaus: Doesn't it strike you odd that none of our relatives are related to us?

View Quote Klaus: That man is Count Olaf, He tried to flatten us with a train.
Detective: Where would that man get a train?
Stephano: Yeah, where would I get a train??

View Quote Klaus: Violet, you better tie your hair up.
[Camera pans out reveling what's left of the house being supported by single beam]
Klaus: Uh... Violet? Ideas?

Violet: On three, we're gonna break that beam.
Klaus: Break it?.
Violet: Yes
Klaus: That's the only thing keeping us up.
Violet: Exactly.
Klaus: Are you sure you tied your hair tight enough?

View Quote Lemony Snicket: (narrating) I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however...
Count Olaf: Orphans!
Lemony Snicket: (narrating) ... they were correct.

View Quote Mr. Poe: Arrest him!
Detective: Why?
Mr. Poe: For being a greedy monster!
Count Olaf: I'm the monster? No. You're the monster. These children tried to tell you but you didn't listen to them, no one ever listens to children. This do****ent says that I have the fortune now AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!

View Quote Mr. Poe: Children, I'm afraid I must inform you of an extremly unfortunate event. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this but your parents have just perished in a fire that destroyed your entire home.
Lemony Snicket: "If you have already lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels. If you haven't? You can't possible imagine."
Count Olaf: Ah! My dear...(looks at stick figures of the children with names on his hands) Violet. Au' chan terr?
Violet: How do you do?
Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus. (grabs Klaus' face, and looks at each side of it) Young Klaus. Your left side is the good one. (begins to mess with Klaus' bottom lip, then notices Sunny) And, uh...what is this?
Sunny:(baby talk) I'm Sunny.
Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak... *monkey*! (Mimicing a baby) Banana?
Sunny:(baby talk) I'm *not* a monkey!

Klaus: You're not getting a cent until Violet turns 18.
Count Olaf: Oh really? Says who?
Klaus: The law. Look it up!

View Quote Mr. Poe: Count Olaf? What are you doing here?
The Detective: Please, Mr. Poe. (to Olaf) Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?

View Quote Mr. Poe: I'm sorry, Count Olaf. Allowing a child of Sunny's age to drive a car is simply not good parenting.
Klaus: He tried to kill us!
Mr. Poe: Let us not exaggerate, Klaus. The vehicle was not even in gear.
Count Olaf: [to Mr. Poe] May I have a moment alone with the children?
[Mr. Poe nods head in agreement]
Count Olaf: Goodbye, kids. It's been fun (leans farther into car window, whispers) I'm going to get you. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'll find you. (light menacing laugh) You are so deceased. (turns from car, puts eye drops in eye, turns to Mr. Poe) Take them, Mr. Poe... before I lose it, big time.(quivers bottom lip)

View Quote Stephano: Hello. I am looking for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery. I am Stephano. I am an Italian man and I am here to assist him in his research, as best I can. As well as to facilitate and remain observatory.
Violet: Count Olaf.
Stephano: Oh. Now why would you say something like that? I have never met such a person as a Count Olaf, but if I had, I'm sure he would look and sound completely different.
Klaus: You're Olaf, and we're not letting you in.
Stephano: [stabs door] Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate your hypothesis. [sees Uncle Monty] Anyway, that's why you should never run with one of these, kids.
Uncle Monty: Words of wisdom indeed, Mr. Stephano.
Stephano: Oops, you caught me being a mentor.