Liar Liar quotes

View Quote (Shouting at a client on the phone) Stop breaking the law, asshole!

View Quote *holding a blue pen* The color of the pen is re-, the color of the pen is re-... THE COLOR OF THE PEN THAT I HOLD IN MY HAND IS RE- ROYAL BLUE!

View Quote Audrey: Well, what were you doing?
Fletcher: Having sex!
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone very special!
Fletcher: No, see that's the thing, I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could get ahead by making her squealllAAAAHH! (Throws phone away)

View Quote Bum: Got any spare change?
Fletcher: Absolutely!
Bum: Well, could ya spare some?
Fletcher: Yes I could!
Bum: Will you?
Fletcher: [shakes head] Uh-mm!
Bum: How come?
Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it! I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of Western society!... Plus I'm cheap! AHHH!

View Quote Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me! [winces]
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets. [pulls the glovebox open to reveal the piles of parking tickets and groans] ... be gentle.

View Quote Driver: What's your problem, Schmuck?
Fletcher: I'm an inconsiderate prick!

View Quote Fat Coworker: What's Up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walking!
Randy: Hey, Fletcher!
Fletcher: Hey! You're not important enough to be remembered!
Zit Boy: What'll it be, Fletcher?
Fletcher: A pock mark, eventually!
Greta: Mr. Reede...
Fletcher: Don't ask! For God's sake, don't ask!

View Quote Fletcher: Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?
Audrey: No - I divorced you because I was mad at you.

View Quote Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.

View Quote Fletcher: I'm a bad father!
Audrey: You're not a bad father...when you show up.

View Quote Fletcher: Is this guy right for you? I mean, he's just so, not me!
Audrey: Yes, that's one of his best qualities.
Fletcher: Yeah, but he's kind of, magoo... I'm sorry.
Audrey: You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a little bit...
Fletcher: Magoo!
Audrey: Yes.

View Quote Fletcher: Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I object, Your Honor, and I move to strike!
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick!

View Quote Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?
Samantha: Oh yeah. One for sure.
Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.
Samantha: Seven.
Fletcher: Beg your pardon?
Samantha: Seven single acts of indiscretion.
Fletcher: SEVEN! acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for.

View Quote Fletcher: New in the building?
Busty Woman on Elevator: Yeah.
Fletcher: How do you like it so far?
Busty Woman on Elevator: Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. [Woman looks back at him quickly] I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama! [Makes sucking motion]

View Quote Fletcher: Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?
Samantha: [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!