Liar Liar quotes

View Quote Fletcher: Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana: Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher: You would!
Dana: BASTARD!
Fletcher: HAG!
Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled!

View Quote Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing?
Samantha: Sympathy.
Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

View Quote Fletcher: You lied about your age to make yourself older, but why would any woman WANNA DO THAT?
Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!

View Quote Fletcher: You scratched my car!
Impound Guy: Where?
Fletcher: [Showing him exactly] Right there!
Impound Guy: Oh. That was already there.
Fletcher: You - liar! You know what I'm going to do about this?
Impound Guy: What?
Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain eight hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Motorpool Guy: You've been here before, haven't ya? [winks]

View Quote Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Judge: Why?
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!
Judge: Overruled.
Fletcher: Good call!

View Quote Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?
Judge: Can't it wait?
Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!
Judge: Is that true?
Fletcher: It has to be!
Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.

View Quote Greta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.
Fletcher: Oh, I'm such a shit!

View Quote Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you *he won*. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?
Fletcher: No! [pause] I'd have got him ten.

View Quote Guy in the Washroom: What the hell are you doing?
Fletcher: I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind?

View Quote Jerry: I love you!
Audrey: Thank you.
Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...
Audrey: Thank you very much?

View Quote Judge Stevens: Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?
Fletcher: No, sir! We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived!
[Samantha and children enter]
Samantha: [to children] Hurry up! Move it!
Fletcher: [singing in tune to Mighty Mouse theme] Here she comes to wreck the daaaay!
Judge Stevens: MISTER Reede!
Fletcher: Sorry, Your Honor!

View Quote Judge Stevens: How are we this morning, Counselor?
Dana: Fine, thank you.
Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
[Shocked pause]
Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?

View Quote Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher: I hold myself in contempt! Why should you be any different?

View Quote Max: [thought voice-over] I wish that for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.
Miranda: [after sex] Ummm, that was incredible. Was it good for you?
Fletcher: I've had better.

View Quote Max: Do the claw to mom, dad, do the claw to mom!
Fletcher: Uh-oh. You've found the claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures.
Audrey: So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Fletcher: All right, I'm late. I ran oughta gas! The gage is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap! My mind on my money and my money on my mind!
Audrey: They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer.
Fletcher: Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up.
Max: Mom, Dad's taking me to see wrestling!
Audrey: Ugh. Fletcher!
Fletcher: Ugh. Audrey!