Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels quotes

View Quote (to Dog holding up a gun)Bend over the ****ing desk!

View Quote (To Tom about the guns) So, the only thing connecting us to the case, is in the back of your car which is parked outside?!

View Quote Barfly Jack: Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's a funny-looking ****er I know, but you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing - it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's busted, so he's gone down the battle-cruiser to watch the end of the football game. No one's watching the custard so he switches the channel over. A fat geezer's north opens and he wanders up and turns the Liza over, "Now **** off and watch it somewhere else." He knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game; so, calm as a coma, picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action, and plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping-pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. "That's ****ing it," says the geezer. "That's ****ing what?" says Rory. And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty; he flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turns back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil.

View Quote Big Chris: All right, son: roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on.

View Quote Big Chris: It's been emotional.

View Quote Dog: Golf - the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two.

View Quote Hatchet Harry: I don't want to know who you use, as long as they're not complete muppets.

View Quote J.D.:You're lucky you're still breathing. Let alone able to walk. I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.

View Quote Winston: Alarm bells are ringing Willy.

View Quote Winston: Charles, get the rifle out. We're being ****ed.

View Quote Bacon: Right. Let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't, because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping. You're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? Never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite. Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, c'mon take a bag. I took a bag home last night. Cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you. Anyone like jewelry? Look at that one there. Handmade in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm. I wish it was as long as something else. Don't think because these boxes are sealed up, they're empty. The only man who sells empty boxes is the undertaker, and by the look of some of you lot today, I'd make more money with me measuring tape. Here, one price. Ten pound.
Eddie: Did you say ten pound?
Bacon: Are you deaf?
Eddie: That's a bargain. I'll take one.
Bacon: Squeeze in if you can. Left leg, right leg, your body will follow. They call it walking. You want one as well, darling? You do? That's it. They're waking up. Treat the wife. Treat somebody else's wife. It's a lot more fun if you don't get caught. Hold on. You want one as well? Okay, darling, show me a bit of life then. It's no good standing out there like one o'clock half-struck. Buy them, you better buy them. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for, and we can't get them again, they've changed the bloody locks. Here. One for you. It's no good coming back later when I've sold out. "Too late, too late" will be the cry when the man with the bargains has passed you by. If you got no money on you now, you'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages.
Eddie: Bacon, cozzers!
Bacon: Shit.

View Quote Bacon: The odds are a hundred to one. All we need is five grand.
Soap: I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse. The odds are a hundred to one for a good reason, Bacon. It won't win!

View Quote Bacon: What's that?
Samoan Joe's Barman: It's a ****tail. You asked for a ****tail.
Bacon: No. I asked you to give me a refreshing drink! I didn't expect a ****ing rainforest! You could fall in love with an orangutan in there! Bring me a pint.
Samoan Joe's Barman: You want a pint, you go to the pub.
Bacon: I thought this was a pub!
Samoan Joes Barman: It's a Samoan pub.

View Quote Barry the Baptist: ****ing northern monkeys!
Gary: I hate these ****ing southern fairies!

View Quote Barry the Baptist: Hello son, would you like a lolly?
Little Chris: Piss off, you nonce!