Major League quotes

View Quote Jake: [at the library, discussing Jake's one-night stand with a flight attendant] I had no choice. She bet me fifty dollars that she had a better body than you and I had to defend your honor.
Lynn Wells: Oh, what a bunch of bullshit! I have a much better body than she does!
[everyone in the library turns to look]
Jake: [to others] She's right.

View Quote Lou: I thought you said we didn't have any high priced talent.
Charlie Donovan: I forgot about Dorn, cause he's only high priced.
Pepper: [Vaughn pulls up on a motorcycle] Take a look at this ****in' guy.
Lou: It's my kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team.

View Quote Lou: [answering the phone] Tire World.
Charlie: Lou, it's Charlie Donvan from Cleveland. How would you like to manage the Indians this year?
Lou: Gee, I don't know...
Charlie: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.
Lou: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

View Quote Lou: [at a team meeting] Can I have your attention, please? I have something I think you all ought to know about. It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn't think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami... and get rid of all of us for better personnel.
Roger: Even me?
Lou: Even you, Dorn.
Eddie: What if we DON'T finish last?
Lou: She'll REPLACE you with somebody who WILL. After this season, you'll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release.
Jake: [stands] Well then I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Roger: What's that?
Jake: Win the whole ****ing thing.
[long pause]
Willie: [stands] Yeah.
Pedro: [pounds his hand] YES!

View Quote Pedro: Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, rum. He will come.
Eddie: You know you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.
Roger: Shit, Harris! [leaves]
Pedro: Ah, Jesus [pronounced hey-SOOS], I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.
Eddie: You trying to say Jesus Christ can't hit a curveball?
Jake: Let's not start a holy war now.

View Quote Rachel: This is a list of players that I want to invite to Spring Training this year.
Board Member #1: I've never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
Charlie: Most of these guys never had a prime.
Board Member #2: This guy here is dead.
Rachel: Cross him off then.

View Quote Rick: I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven't heard the last of me. You may think I'm shit now, but someday you're gonna be sorry you cut me. I'm gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I'm gonna stick it up you're ****in' ass! [throws baseball against locker]
Lou: Good! I like that kind of spirit in a player. The only problem is I didn't cut you.
Rick: What?
Lou: I think someone's been having some fun with you.

View Quote Rick: What's that shit on your chest?
Eddie: [wipes his finger across his chest] Crisco; [wipes his finger across his waist line] Bardol; [wipes his finger along his head] Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. 'Course if the umps are watching me real close I just rub a little jalapeño juice up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up I just... [wipes his nose] ...wipe my nose.
Rick: You put snot on the ball?
Eddie: I haven't got an arm like yours; I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.

View Quote Roger: [after Rick tackled him, and the two have been separated] Don't **** with me, Vaughn!
Rick: Yeah? [shouting] **** you!
Roger: What's the matter, rookie ****-Wad? Can't you take a little joke?
Rick: Real ****ing funny, asshole.
Lou: All right, [shouting] All right. Knock that shit off.
Roger: Lou, you better make it real clear to this little lady that I'm not about to take his shit.
Lou: Shut up, Dorn.

View Quote Tom: Stay away from her.
Jake: Suck my dick.

View Quote Willie Mays Hays: Vaughn, get the stewardess. I think I'm gonna need one of those little bags!
Rick Vaughn: There aren't any stewardesses.
Willie Mays Hays: [frightened]I wonder if there are any pilots!

View Quote Willie: What the hell league you been playing in?
Rick: California Penal...
Willie: Never heard of it. How'd you end up playing there?
Rick: Stole a car.

View Quote Willie: [looks over Jake's shoulder and see's him reading a comic book] Moby Dick? What you reading that for?
Jake: This happens to be a masterpiece of American Literature.
Willie: [chuckles] Lynn turn you on to that?
Jake: Yeah... a long time ago.
Willie: Well listen, if we ever get out of here, me and the other guys are going to a club later on tonight. You want to come with us?
Jake: [frustrated] Oh, I can't, I got some reading to do.
Willie: [rolls his eyes] What man, you got a test or something? Jake, man why don't you just go over there and see her. Maybe she'll let you slide on a couple of these.
Jake: Well I would if I knew where she lived.
Willie: That's easy! Just tail her home from the library.
Jake: You mean sit in my car and wait for her to get out of work and then follow her? That's kind of juvenille don't you think?
Willie: [ponders it for a split second] Yeah!

View Quote [wearing tuxedos, the whole team stands behind Home Plate]
Indians: Hello. Do you know us?
[putting on their caps]
Indians: We're a Major League Baseball team.
Jake: But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us - not even in our own home town.
Eddie: That's why we carry the American Express card.
Rick: No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.
Pedro: So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.
Roger: Look what it's done for us. People still DON'T recognize us but... [snaps his fingers]
Lou: We're contenders now.
Willie: [slides into Home Plate and holds up a green credit card] The American Express card: Don't steal home without it.

View Quote Ball four...ball eight...and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on 12 consecutive pitches. How can these guys lay off pitches that close??