Mallrats quotes

View Quote [Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
T.S.: What's he doing?
Jay: Shit Head here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy **** thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.
[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Jay: Knock it off.
Brodie: The Force is strong with this one.
Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.
Brodie: So, I was just telling T.S. here that we needed to find Jay and Silent Bob. If there's anybody who can help us, it's the two guys who have even less to do than us.
Jay: What is this shit? Everybody's looking for us today. We're ducking Tricia 'cause she wants to talk to Obi-Wan here about a video setup.
Brodie: Why him?
Jay: Silent Bob's an electrical genius. He won the science fair in the fourth grade by turning his mom's vibrator into a CD player using some chicken wire and shit. Mother****er's like McGyver--no, mother****er's better than McGyver! [he knocks the cigarette from Silent Bob's hand again] Knock it off!

View Quote [the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Tricia is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]
Shannon: Yeah, who's your favorite new kid? Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.
Jay: God damn, This is one wacky game show.
Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!
[cops focus their attention on Shannon]
Shannon: Ah, 15? I thought she was 36! Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

View Quote [about the break-up letter from Rene] Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.

View Quote [after hitting La Fours over the head with a baseball bat] Come, son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod! Snootchie-bootchies. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

View Quote [Explaining the details of Operation Dark Knight to Silent Bob] Okay, Lunch Box, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogins.

View Quote [Explaining the details of Operation Drive By to Silent Bob] First you take a run at La Fours with a sock full of quarters. I'd do it, but I put my back out humping your mom last night. Nooch. Okay, you clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold. That's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure Wolvie Berserk style, and knock out the ****ing pin and bickety-bam! The mother****er is rubble. Hence, no game show.

View Quote [Modeling women's underwear] I would've made a sexy chick.

View Quote [referencing Silent Bob] Human brown-eye here is a walking calamity. We're gonna have to take a pass on the stage-trashing business, otherwise he's liable to kill himself. Sorry, bro.

View Quote [referencing Trisha] How does that Jr. Masters in Johnson know about my proposal?

View Quote [Shows a Hustler spread to Silent Bob] Dude, this one looks like your mom. [Silent Bob nods]

View Quote [speaking of T.S. and Brandi's love] You two are ****ed for each other.

View Quote Brodie, I have always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme from Mighty Mouse, I said "Okay." When we were at that hotel prom night and you asked me to sleep underneath the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told most of my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it slide. [grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think that I'm going to suffer any more of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious ****ing disappointment.

View Quote Didn't I dump your ass this morning?

View Quote Dude, you the mad chick magnet.

View Quote Fly fatass, fly!