My Cousin Vinny quotes

View Quote J.T.: Hey there little Yankee wuss! Look here, 'got your $200. You gonna kick the shit out of me now?

View Quote Bill: [on the phone] We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.
Stan: The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.
[a deputy glares at him]
Stan: Some of them do.

View Quote Bill: Vinny!
Vinny: What?
Bill: C'mon! It's time to make your opening statement. C'mon, Vin!
Vinny: Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
Jim Trotter: Objection! Counsel's entire opening statement is argumentative.
Judge Haller: Sustained. Counselor's entire opening statement, with the exception of "Thank you" will be striken from the record.

View Quote Bill: We should get tuna.
Stan: Please no more tuna.
Bill: It has protein, we need protein.
Stan: Beans have protein.
Bill: Beans make you fart.
Stan: We got a convertible.

View Quote Bill: You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.
Stan: My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.
Bill: Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.
...
Bill: At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?
Stan: The magician with the ponytail?
Bill: Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.

View Quote J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny: What is it?
J.T.: $200.
Vinny: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny: Yeah, right.

View Quote Jim Trotter: Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
Lisa: I'm an out-of-work hairdresser.
Jim Trotter: An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
Lisa: It doesn't. Thank you. [stands up]
Judge Haller: Sit down Miss Vito.
Jim Trotter: Now, Ms. Vito, being an expert on general automotive knowledge, can you tell me... what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet, with a 327 cubic-inch engine and a four-barrel carburetor?
Lisa: That's a bullshit question.
Jim Trotter: Does that mean you can't answer it?
Lisa: It's a bullshit question, it's impossible to answer.
Jim Trotter: Impossible because you don't know the answer!
Lisa: Nobody could answer that question!
Jim Trotter: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as an expert witness!
Judge Haller: Can you answer the question?
Lisa: No, it's a trick question!
Judge Haller: Why is it a trick question?
Vinny: Watch this.
Lisa: 'Cause Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55, the 327 didn't come out till '63. And it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four-barrel carb till '64. However, in 1964, the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top-dead-center.
Jim Trotter: Well... uh... she's acceptable, Your Honor.

View Quote John Gibbons: Mr. Tipton, I see you wear glasses.
Mr. Tipton: Yes I do.
John Gibbons: Could you show those glasses to the court, please? Okay, now were you wearing them that day?
Mr. Tipton: No.
John Gibbons: Uh huh. You see? You were fifty feet away, you made a positive eyewitness identification and-and-and-and-and-and-and YET, you were not wearing your necessary, prescription eye glasses.
Mr. Tipton: They're reading glasses.
John Gibbons: [after long pause] Um Mr., Um... Could you tell the court what color eyes the defendants have?
Mr. Tipton: [after quick glance] Brown and hazel green.

View Quote Judge Haller: Counselor, your clients are charged with first degree murder. How do they plead?
Vinny: [sitting down] Your Honor, my clients...
Judge Haller: Don't talk to me sitting in that chair.
Vinny: But he [points to bailiff] told me to sit here.
Judge Haller: When you're addressed in this court, you'll rise. Speak to me in a clear, intelligible voice.
...
Vinny: My clients...
Judge Haller: What are you wearing?
Vinny: Huh?
Judge Haller: What are you wearing?
Vinny: [wearing a leather jacket] Um, I'm wearing clothes.
[Judge stares ominously]
Vinny: I... I don't get the question.
Judge Haller: When you come into my court looking like you do. You not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court.
Vinny: I apologize, sir, but, uh... this is how I dress.
Judge Haller: The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I mean you comb your hair, and wear a suit and tie. And that suit had better be made out of some sort of... cloth. You understand me?
Vinny: Uh yes. Fine, Judge, fine.
...
Vinny: My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.
Judge Haller: What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?
Vinny: No. I'm just trying to explain.
Judge Haller: I don't want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
Vinny: Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients...
Judge Haller: Uh, Mr. Gambini?
[Motions for him to approach the bench]
Judge Haller: All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.
Vinny: But your honor, my clients didn't do anything.
Judge Haller: Once again, the communication process broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.
...
Judge Haller: The next words out of your mouth better be "guilty" or "not guilty." I don't want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than "guilty" or "not guilty", you'll be in contempt. I don't even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, how do your clients plead?
Vinny: I think I get the point.
Judge Haller: No, I don't think you do. You're now in contempt of court.
Judge Haller:Would you like to go for two counts.
Vinny: Not guilty.
Judge Haller: Thank you.

View Quote Judge Haller: I don't like your attitude.
Vinny: So what else is new?
Judge Haller: I'm holding you in contempt of court.
Vinny: [to Bill] Now there's a ****ing surprise.
Judge Haller: What did you say? What did you just say?
Vinny: Huh? What did I say?

View Quote Judge Haller: I tell you this because I want you to know that when it comes to procedure, I'm not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don't.
Vinny: You should.
Judge Haller: Don't think that being from New York, you're getting a special treatment.
Vinny: I shouldn't?
Judge Haller: You won't. You'll be given no leeway whatsoever.
[Takes a book on Alabama law from his book case]
Judge Haller: Now I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.
[drops the book before Vinny]
Judge Haller: You willing to accept those terms?
Vinny: Sure. No problem.
[quickly leafs through the book]
Vinny: Just this? Ha ha.

View Quote Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini, didn't I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?
Vinny: You were serious about that?

View Quote Lisa: Don't worry, I'll find a way to bail you out.
Vinny: No don't. I'm gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. I'm doing good, huh?

View Quote Lisa: How's your Chinese food?
Vinny: You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you're a tourist?
Lisa: Yeah well what are you, a ****ing world traveler?

View Quote Lisa: I want a wedding in church with bride's maids and flowers.
Vinny: Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?
Lisa: Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.