My Cousin Vinny quotes

View Quote Lisa: So what's your problem?
Vinny: My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.
Lisa: Well, I guess that plan's moot.
Vinny: Yeah.
Lisa: You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? you win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, "thank you." Oh my God, what a ****ing nightmare!

View Quote Lisa: What name did you tell him?
Vinny: Jerry Gallo.
Lisa: Jerry Gallo?! The big attorney.
Vinny: Yeah.
Lisa: Think that was a smart move?
Vinny: Yeah, well, the man's a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.
Lisa: His name was in the papers all last week.
Vinny: Yeah, I saw that.
Lisa: But you didn't actually read the articles.
Vinny: No
Lisa: Too bad.
Vinny: Why's that?
Lisa: 'Cause he's dead.

View Quote Lisa: What the **** is going on here, Vinny? You ****ing up this case or what?
Vinny: I explained it to you already, didn't I? It's procedure. I'm bound to **** up a little.
Lisa: A little? You've been thrown in jail twice.

View Quote Mona Lisa: Don't you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?
Vinny Gambini: I told you why already.
Mona Lisa: He has to, by law, you're entitled. It's called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he's not allowed any surprises. They didn't teach you that in law school either?

View Quote Officer: That's death row in there.
Stan: It is?
Officer: The chair ain't workin' like it used to. The guy we fried last week, took us three attempts, and his head caught on fire. See, there's no money in the budget to get it looked at. I said it'd be cheaper to get it fixed than keep running up them extra electric bills.

View Quote Stan: What's the matter?
Bill: Do you know what this is all about?
Stan: Yeah, they're ****ing with us.
Bill: And you don't believe that?
Stan: No, they don't execute for shoplifting.
Bill: You think we're being booked for shoplifting?
Stan: No, no. You're being booked for shoplifting, I'm being booked for accessory to shoplifting.
Bill: No, Stan, I'm being booked for murder, and you're being booked for accessory to murder.

View Quote Vinny: Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?
Neckbrace: My place.
Vinny: Shit.

View Quote Vinny: Does that freight train come through here at 5:00 A.M. every morning?
Hotel Clerk: No, sir, it's very unusual.
...
Vinny: [the next day, after Vinny was awakened by the train] Yesterday you told me that freight train hardly ever comes through here at 5:00 A.M. in the morning.
Hotel Clerk: I know. She's supposed to come through at ten after 4:00.

View Quote Vinny: Hey, Vincent Lamgini Gambini....
Lisa: His name's JT.
Vinny: JT...I believe you and Lise played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won. I'm here to collect.
JT: How 'bout if I just kick your ass?
Vinny: Oh a counter-offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a counter-offer. Lemme see...This is a tough decision you're givin' me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Hmmp. Let me think... I could use a good ass kickin', I'll be very honest with you... nah, I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
(The people in the room laugh) JT: Over my dead body.
Vinny: You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here's my counter-offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?
JT: In your dreams.
Vinny: Oh no no... in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta yah, do I get the money?
(JT contemplates this) JT: If you kick the shit outta me,
Vinny: Yeh,
JT: -Then you get the money.
(Some people weakly laugh. Vinny looks at a guy whose in a neck brace.) Vinny: What happened? Rear-ended?
Guy: No, ah fell.
Vinny: Oh. (Vinny does personal injury lawsuits). Okay, lets see if we agree on the terms. The choice now, is...I get my ass kicked...OR, option B, I kick your ass, and collect the 200......I'm goin with option B. (takes his coat off) Kickin' your ass and collectin' two-hundred dollars.
JT: (a little nervous) Uh, we gonna fight now?
Vinny: Yeah, first let me see the money.
JT: I have the money.
Vinny: Alright, show it to me.
JT: Ah can get it.
Vinny: You can get it? Alright, go get it. Then we'll fight.
(Vinny goes to walk out.) Vinny: (to the guy in the nec brace) Did you fall in your place or somebody else's?
Guy: My place.
Vinny: Shit.

View Quote Vinny: How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes?
Mr. Tipton: Um... I'm a fast cook, I guess.
Vinny: [across beside the jury] What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth?
Mr. Tipton: I don't know.
Vinny: Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove! Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

View Quote Vinny: I got thirty ****ing minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the ****ing courthouse.
Lisa: You ****ing shower, I'll get your ****ing suit.

View Quote Vinny: I object to this witness being called at this time. We've been given no prior notice he'd testify. No discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we may properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have the witness's reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini?
Vinny: Yes, sir?
Judge Haller: Mr. Gambini, that is a lucid, intelligent, well thought-out objection.
Vinny: Thank you.
Judge Haller: Overruled.

View Quote Vinny: Is it possible that the two utes...
Judge Haller: ...Ah, the two what? Uh... uh, what was that word?
Vinny: Uh... what word?
Judge Haller: Two what?
Vinny: What?
Judge Haller: Uh... did you say "utes"?
Vinny: Yeah, two utes.
Judge Haller: What is a ute?
Vinny: Oh, excuse me, Your Honor... two youths.

View Quote Vinny: Is that a drip I hear?
Mona Lisa: Yeah.
Vinny: Weren't you the last one to use the bathroom?
Mona Lisa: So?
Vinny: Well, did you use the faucet?
Mona Lisa: Yeah!
Vinny: Why didn't you turn it off?
Mona Lisa: I did turn it off.
Vinny: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
Mona Lisa: Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?
Vinny: No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn't drip.
Mona Lisa: Maybe it's broken!
Vinny: Is that what you're saying? It's broken?
Mona Lisa: Yeah, that's it, it's broken.
Vinny: You sure?
Mona Lisa: I'm positive.
Vinny: Maybe you didn't twist it hard enough.
Mona Lisa: I twisted it just right.
Vinny: How can you be so sure?
Mona Lisa: If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
Vinny: How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?
Mona Lisa: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.
Vinny: In that case, how can you be sure THAT'S accurate?
Mona Lisa: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here's the certificate of validation!
Vinny: "Dead-on balls accurate"?
Mona Lisa: It's an industry term.
Vinny: I guess the ****in' thing is broken!

View Quote Vinny: Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?
[puts his hand on the wall]
Bill: Right.
Vinny: Let me show you something.
[he holds up a playing card, with the face toward Billy]
Vinny: He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you.
[turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy]
Vinny: When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.