National Lampoon's Vacation quotes

View Quote Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey: So, everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.

View Quote Audrey: [Looking at Vicki's trophy for hog raising] Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know.
Cousin Vicki: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?
[Reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana]

View Quote Rusty: Hey, ya' got Pac Man?
Cousin Dale: No.
Rusty: Ya' got Space Invaders?
Cousin Dale: Nope.
Rusty: Ya' got Asteroids?
Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.

View Quote Rusty: [looking through Dale's porno magazines] Would you ever consider selling any of these?
Cousin Dale: No way, I treasure these. I use them a lot.
Rusty: How do you use magazines?
Cousin Dale: Ya ever bop your boloney?

View Quote Rusty: Mom, my sandwich is all wet.
Ellen: They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.
[Clark spits out his sandwich. Aunt Edna looks at hers, shrugs, then keeps eating it.]

View Quote Aunt Edna: Clark, Dinkins needs a long walk and a bath.
Clark: Rusty take care of Dinkins.
Rusty: Dad he bites.
Clark: Bite him back.

View Quote Clark: Despite all the little problems it's fun isn't it?
Ellen: No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.

View Quote Motorcycle Cop: [sternly] Do you know what the penalty is, in this state, for cruelty to animals?
Clark: No, officer, I don't.
Motorcycle Cop: [hesitatingly] Well, it's probably pretty stiff!

View Quote [after driving off the road]
Ellen: I think I broke my nose.
Rusty: I stabbed my brain.
Audrey: I just got my period.

View Quote Ellen: Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here.
Aunt Edna: Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and him! [pointing to Clark] He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!
Ellen: SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outta that seat and I'll split your lip!

View Quote Clark: Russ, it's really great that I can spend time with you and... uh... uh... uh...
Rusty: Audrey, Dad.

View Quote [In the middle of a desert. Clark is going crazy as he trots through the hills. Two men on horses watch him]
Clark: We passed a God damn gas station every 10 yards for 1000 miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!
Cowboy: What an asshole.

View Quote Ellen: I honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
Clark: Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world.
Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
Clark: Make that the second biggest.

View Quote Ellen: [looking at the dead Aunt Edna in the back seat] She must have passed away somewhere near Flagstaff. What are we going to do Clark?
Clark: Well, I guess we could leave her here and maybe the first phone we pass, we could call Cousin Normie and he could come and get her I guess.
Ellen: That is the meanest, coldest...
Clark: Well, what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?
Audrey: Mom, we don't have to ride with a dead person, do we? Please say we don't!
Rusty: Yeah, come on. It'll be real easy for Normie to find Aunt Edna. All he has to do is look for the buzzards.

View Quote Clark: [talking about Aunt Edna] She can't weigh more than 100 pounds.
Ellen: Oh, no. You can't just put her on the roof.
Audrey: Yes, he can!
Clark: You want me to strap her to the hood? She'll be fine. It's not as if it's going to rain or something.
[thunder rumbles]