Night at the Opera, A quotes

View Quote Driftwood: Could he sail tomorrow?
Fiorello: You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday. How much you pay him?
Driftwood: Well, I don't know... [muttering to himself] Let's see, a thousand dollars a night... I'm entitled to a small profit... How about ten dollars a night?
Fiorello: Ten? Ten dolla— ha ha ha ha ha! I'll take it...
Driftwood: All right, but remember, I get 10% for negotiating the deal.
Fiorello: Yes, and I get 10% for being the manager. How much does that leave him?
Driftwood: That leaves him— uh, $8.00.
Fiorello: Eight dollars, huh? Well, he sends a five dollars home to his mother...
Driftwood: Well, that leaves him $3.00.
Fiorello: Can he live in New York on $3.00?
Driftwood: Like a prince. Of course he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince. However, out of that $3.00, you know, he'll have to pay an income tax...
Fiorello: Ah, there's income tax...
Driftwood: ...there's a federal tax, and a state tax, and a city tax, and a street tax, and a sewer tax.
Fiorello: How much does this come to?
Driftwood: Well, I figure if he doesn't sing too often, he can break even.
Fiorello: All right, we take it.

View Quote Driftwood: Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
Fiorello: No, that's no good.
Driftwood: What's the matter with it?
Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again.
Driftwood: It says the, uh... "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.
Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
Fiorello: Er... just the first part.
Driftwood: What do you mean? The... the party of the first part?
Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.
Driftwood: All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh? Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that...
Driftwood: Now what's the matter?
Fiorello: I no like-a the second party, either.
Driftwood: Well, you shoulda come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days!

View Quote Driftwood: Now, here are the contracts. You put his name at the top and uh... you sign at the bottom. There's no need of you reading that because these are duplicates.
Fiorello: Yeah, these are duplicates. [Fiorello looking at the contract] Duplicates, huh?
Driftwood: I say they are duplicates!
Fiorello: Sure. These are duplicates.
Driftwood: Don't you know what duplicates are?
Fiorello: Sure. There's five kids up in Canada.
Driftwood: Well, I wouldn't know about that. I haven't been in Canada in years.

View Quote Driftwood: You see that spaghetti? Now, behind that spaghetti is none other than Herman Gottlieb, director of the New York Opera Company. Do you follow me?
Mrs. Claypool: Yes.
Driftwood: Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested!

View Quote Fiorello: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?
Driftwood: Oh, that? Oh, that's the usual clause that's in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.
Fiorello: Well, I don't know...
Driftwood: It's all right. That's, that's in every contract. That's, that's what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!

View Quote Gottlieb: Could you tell me where Lassparri is?
Fiorello: Sure. There's Lassparri.
Gottlieb: LASSPARRI!!
Driftwood: Lassparri? Then, whom did I sign?
Fiorello: You signed Riccardo Baroni. That's my man.
Gottlieb: Signor Lassparri, what happened! Speak to me! It's me! It's Gottlieb! It's me! It's Gottlieb!
[While Gottlieb was trying to revive Lassparri, Tomasso once again bashed Lassparri on the head with a heavy sack] Gottlieb: Oh! What is this now!?
Driftwood: How early is the fruit is falling this season?

View Quote Gottlieb: If you pardon my saying so, Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Driftwood seems hardly the person to handle your business affairs?
Mrs. Claypool: I'm beginning to think the same thing.
Driftwood: Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Well, I made it. How soon does the curtain go up?
Gottlieb: The curtain, Mr. Driftwood, will go up again next season.
Mrs. Claypool: You've missed the entire opera.
Driftwood: Well, I only missed it by a few minutes. Then, I can go then, huh?
Gottlieb: Mrs. Claypool, was I right? Isn't Lassparri the greatest tenor that ever lived?
Mrs. Claypool: He's superb. What would you have to pay him?
Gottlieb: What's the difference? He must sail with us tomorrow no matter how much we pay him. Why, he wouldn't be worth $1,000 a night.
Driftwood: How much?
Gottlieb: $1,000 a night.
Driftwood: A thousand dollars a nacht? What does he do?
Gottlieb: What's he do? He sings!
Driftwood: So, you're willing to pay him $1,000 a night just by singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. For a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie.
Gottlieb: If you'll excuse me, Mrs. Claypool, I think I had better arrange to see Lassparri immediately. You are agreed-- $1,000 a night?
Mrs. Claypool: Just as you think.
Driftwood: [To himself] Thousand dollars a night? There must be something I have to get a piece of this? [To Gottlieb] Wait a minute! Why don't I sign Lassparri? I represent Mrs. Claypool.
Gottlieb: But, I represent the New York Opera Company. My boy? Will you give my card to signor Lassparri, please?

View Quote Henderson: Hey, I think these fellows are phonies!
Driftwood: What's that you say?
Henderson: You heard me.
Driftwood: Did you hear what he said? He said you boys are imposters and you absolutely don't belong here at all.
Fiorello: Did he say that about us? I've never been so insulted!
Driftwood: [to the Mayor] Do you hear what they say? They say they've never been so insulted in their life and they absolutely refuse to stay here!
Mayor: No, no, please. He didn't mean it. Tell them he didn't mean it.
Driftwood: [confers with the aviators] Of course, you know this means war!
Mayor: [to Henderson] Now see what you've done!

View Quote Henderson: What's a hermit doing with four beds?
Driftwood: Well, you see those first three beds?
Henderson: Yes.
Driftwood: Last night I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have another bed to sleep in. You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you?

View Quote Henderson: Who are you talking to?
Driftwood: I was talking to myself, and there's nothing you can do about it, I've had three of the best doctors in the East.
Henderson: Well, I certainly heard somebody say something.
Driftwood: Oh, it's sheer folly on your part.
Henderson: What's this?
Driftwood: Why, that's a fire escape. And, uh, that's a table, and this is a room, and there's the door leading out, and I wish you'd use it, I... I vant to be alone!
Henderson: You'll be alone when I throw you in jail.
Driftwood: Isn't there a song like that, Henderson...?
Henderson: What became of that fourth bed?
Driftwood: What are you referring to, Colonel?
Henderson: The last time I was in this room, there were four beds here!
Driftwood: Please! I'm not interested in your private life, Henderson.
Henderson: Oh-h-h. [He barges into the living room] Say! What's that bed doing here?
Driftwood: I don't see it doing anything.
Henderson: There's something funny goin' on around here, but I'll get to the bottom of it. [going back to the bedroom] Hey, you!
Driftwood: Coming!
Henderson: Am I crazy, or are there only two beds here?
Driftwood: Now, which question do you want me to answer first, Henderson?

View Quote Henderson: You remember me. I'm Henderson, plain-clothesman.
Driftwood: You look more like an old-clothes man to me.
Henderson: Oh! A wise guy, huh? Nice place.
Driftwood: Well, it's comfortable.
Henderson: You live here all alone?
Driftwood: Yes. Just me and my memories. I'm practically a hermit.
Henderson: Oh. A hermit. I notice the table's set for four.
Driftwood: That's nothing; my alarm clock is set for eight. That doesn't prove a thing.

View Quote Lassparri: [after being booed by the audience and pelted with fruit] Never in my life have I received such treatment. They threw an apple at me.
Driftwood: Well. Watermelons are out of season.

View Quote Lassparri: Rosa?
Rosa: Yes, signore?
Lassparri: My good friend Herman Gottlieb is coming back to see me. How would you like to have supper with us?
Rosa: I'm terribly sorry, signor Lassparri. I already have an engagement.
Lassparri: Oh, I see. Well, that's too bad because I have an idea that he's going to invite me to sing in New York. And uh... He may permit me to select my leading lady. Are you sure you can't break your appointment?
Rosa: I'm terribly sorry, signor.
[Rosa went away from Lassparri with Riccardo with her. Tomasso made a little happy tune with his flute and drums. Then Lassparri aggressively picked him up angrily] Lassparri: What do you mean by humiliate me in front of all those people!? You're fired!! Do you understand!!? YOU'RE FIRED!!
Driftwood: Hey, you big bully. What's the idea of hitting that little bully?
Lassparri: In a count of letting me handle my own affairs!? [Lassparri pushing Tomasso] GET OUT!! [To Driftwood] Now, what do you have to say to me?
Driftwood: Just this, can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas? [Driftwood taking one of the clown buttons off of him]
Lassparri: Why you--
[Before Lassparri was going to punch Driftwood, Tomasso came back and bashed Lassparri on the head with a large hammer]

View Quote Lassparri: Those men-- They can't be passengers on this boat. They must be stowaways.
Captain: Stowaways? Well, we'll soon find out.
[The captain's guards ran after Tomasso, Riccardo, and Fiorello while other people are dancing. And they're caught and placed them in the detention cabin]

View Quote Mrs. Claypool: I've been sitting right here since 7 o'clock.
Driftwood: Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.