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Frank: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
[Susan laughs]
Frank: Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.
Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
[Susan laughs]
Frank: Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.
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Gil: What's the matter, honey? You don't feel so good?
Taylor: Yeah.
Gil: You feel like you want to throw up?
Taylor: Okay.
[vomits all over Gil, and starts crying]
Karen: Oh Taylor, baby... Gil, why are you :standing there?
Gil: Waiting for her head to spin around.
Taylor: Yeah.
Gil: You feel like you want to throw up?
Taylor: Okay.
[vomits all over Gil, and starts crying]
Karen: Oh Taylor, baby... Gil, why are you :standing there?
Gil: Waiting for her head to spin around.
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Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.
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Susan: Nathan, I need to speak with you for a couple of minutes.
Nathan: Patty, your mother and I will be gone for two minutes. How many seconds is that?
Patty: 120.
Den
Nathan: What is it?
[Susan produces flashcards, which Nathan recites]
Flashcard #1: This is the only way
Flashcard #2: To reach you, so
Flashcard #3: I am leaving you
Nathan: Patty, your mother and I will be gone for two minutes. How many seconds is that?
Patty: 120.
Den
Nathan: What is it?
[Susan produces flashcards, which Nathan recites]
Flashcard #1: This is the only way
Flashcard #2: To reach you, so
Flashcard #3: I am leaving you
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Taylor: Mommy what was that?
Karen: That was an electrical ear cleaner.
Taylor: It was kinda big.
Grandma: It sure was.
Karen: That was an electrical ear cleaner.
Taylor: It was kinda big.
Grandma: It sure was.
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Gil's nightmarish vision. University is on lockdown and covered by squad cars. People are screaming and an elderly Gil tries to reason with Kevin
College Student #1: Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!
Dean at College: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!
College Student #2: What is he yelling?
Kevin, Age 21: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!
Gil: [through bullhorn] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.
[Kevin opens fire and shoots bullhorn out of Gil's hands]
Gil: Nice shot son!
Police try to get Gil to safety, but Gil rebuffs them
Gil: [police] It's important to be supportive. [to Kevin] Come on let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea - "
College Student #1: Someone's gone to the roof of the bell tower with a rifle!
Dean at College: It's Kevin Buckman! His father totally screwed him up!
College Student #2: What is he yelling?
Kevin, Age 21: YOU MADE ME PLAY SECOND BASE!
Gil: [through bullhorn] Son, I'm sorry. I did all the best I could.
[Kevin opens fire and shoots bullhorn out of Gil's hands]
Gil: Nice shot son!
Police try to get Gil to safety, but Gil rebuffs them
Gil: [police] It's important to be supportive. [to Kevin] Come on let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea - "
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[after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one]
Susan: Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked...[sees the sex action on the television]
Grandma: What channel is this?
Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.
Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man now!
Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
[later]
Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
Susan: Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked...[sees the sex action on the television]
Grandma: What channel is this?
Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.
Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man now!
Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
[later]
Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!
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[Gil's ideal vision. Kevin has graduated from university and is the class valedictorian]
Kevin, Age 21: All of this I have one thing to credit; when I was a kid and my father made me play second base. Thank you, Dad!
[Audience applauds an elderly Gil]
Gil: Thank you, son!
Kevin, Age 21: All of this I have one thing to credit; when I was a kid and my father made me play second base. Thank you, Dad!
[Audience applauds an elderly Gil]
Gil: Thank you, son!
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[Kevin's birthday. A stripper comes to Buckman residence]
Stripper: So what is the name of the birthday boy? I will paint his name on my breasts.
Karen: What in the world?
Gil: We did not order any stripper! We hired Cowboy Dan.
Stripper: Is that so, let me call my boss.
Stripper uses phone to call boss, then hangs up
Stripper: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. My boss screwed up our assignments. I was supposed to do that birthday party at the Army base, but my boss sent Cowboy Dan there.
Karen: Then have him come here.
Stripper: There's a problem, you see, the soldiers got the wrong idea and beat up Cowboy Dan really good. He is in the hospital.
Kevin: Cowboy Dan is not here? All the kids will hate me!
Gil: Kevin, pull yourself together! A cowboy is coming.
Stripper: So what is the name of the birthday boy? I will paint his name on my breasts.
Karen: What in the world?
Gil: We did not order any stripper! We hired Cowboy Dan.
Stripper: Is that so, let me call my boss.
Stripper uses phone to call boss, then hangs up
Stripper: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. My boss screwed up our assignments. I was supposed to do that birthday party at the Army base, but my boss sent Cowboy Dan there.
Karen: Then have him come here.
Stripper: There's a problem, you see, the soldiers got the wrong idea and beat up Cowboy Dan really good. He is in the hospital.
Kevin: Cowboy Dan is not here? All the kids will hate me!
Gil: Kevin, pull yourself together! A cowboy is coming.
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[Helen is trying to talk with Garry about his sex tapes] l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.
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[on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.
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[to Nathan] Keep Patty away from Larry. He'll suck the intelligence right out of her.
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I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.
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My whole life is have to...