The Royal Tenenbaums quotes

View Quote Royal: I got a pretty bad case of cancer.
Chas: [yawns] How long you gonna last?
Royal: Not long.
Chas: A month? A year?
Royal: About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anything.
[Chas scoffs and mock laughs] Oh ho! Ho ho!
Royal: Chas, let me finish here! I've got six weeks to set things right with you and I aim to do it. Will you give me a chance?
Chas: No.
Royal: Do you speak for everyone?
Chas: I speak for myself.
Royal: Well you've had your say, now it's someone else's turn.

View Quote Royal: I thought I'd start by taking you out to visit your grandmother.
Richie: God, I haven't been out there in years.
Margot: I've never been at all. I was never invited.
Royal: Well she wasn't your real grandmother, and I didn't know how much interest you had. But you're invited now!

View Quote Royal: I'm dying, baby. I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying.
Ethel: What are you talking about? What happened? Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I didn't know. What'd they say? What's the prognosis?
Royal: Take it easy, Ethel. Hold on. Hold on.
Ethel: Where's the doctor? Let's get -
Royal: Wait a second. Listen. I'm not dying. But I need some time. A month. Maybe two. I want us to -
Ethel: What's wrong with you?
Royal: Ethel.
Ethel: Go away!
Royal: Baby. I am dying.
Ethel: Are you or aren't you?
Royal: Dying? Yes.

View Quote Royal: I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.
Henry Sherman: I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.
Royal: Well, I really appreciate that.

View Quote Royal: Look, I know I'm gonna be the bad guy on this one. But I just wanna say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.
Narrator: Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.

View Quote Royal: Richie, this illness, this closeness to death... it's had a profound affect on me. I feel like a different person, I really do.
Richie: Dad, you were never dying.
Royal: ...but I'm gonna live.
[Richie walks away, Margot and Henry Sherman stand on stoop]
Royal: He's not your father.
Margot: Neither are you.

View Quote Royal: Which one are you?
Ari: Ari
Royal: Uzi, I'm your grandfather.

View Quote Royal: You always put raising the kids before everything else.
Etheline: I tried to. Lately I'm feeling like I might not've done such a good job.

View Quote Tennis Announcer 1 (Jim): That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenebaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now, Tex Haywood?
Tennis Announcer 2 (Tex Haywood): I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.

View Quote Uzi Tenenbaum: Who's your father?
Chas: His name is Royal Tenenbaum.
Ari: You told us he was already dead.
Chas: Yeah, well now he's really dying.

View Quote Young Chas Tenenbaum: [about Margot's play] What'd you think, Dad?
Royal: Didn't seem believable to me.
Royal: [to Eli] Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?
Young Richie Tenenbaum: He has permission to sleep over.
Young Chas Tenenbaum: Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed?
Royal: What characters? It's just a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.
Young Margot Tenenbaum: Good night, everyone.
Royal: Well, sweetie, don't get mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.

View Quote [Chas Tenenbaum and his sons enter his mother's house with several bags]
Ethel: Chas? What's going on?
Chas: We got locked out of our apartment.
Ethel: Well, did you call a locksmith?
Chas: Uh huh.
Ethel: Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags BEFORE you got locked out?
Chas: It's not safe there.
Ethel: What are you talking about?
Chas: The apartment. I have to get some new sprinklers and a back-up security system installed.
Ethel: But there are no sprinklers here either.
Chas: We might have to do something about that too.

View Quote [Royal tells his children of his impending divorce]
Richie: Is it because of us?
Royal: Well, of course, certain sacrifices had to be made as a result of having children. But lord, no.

View Quote [the priest breaks his ankle and is being loaded into the ambulance]
Raleigh: Do you have an alternate?
Priest: No.
Raleigh: Are there priests on call?

View Quote Mar: I didnt think you ever were.
Eli: Let's not make this harder than it already is.
Mar: Ok.
Eli: Ok what?
Mar: Ok, I'm not in love with you any more either.
Eli: I know. You're in love with Richie, which is sick and gross.
Mar: Do you send my mother your clippings? And your grades in ---
Eli: Please stop belittling me. You never gave me the time of day until I started getting good reviews.
Mar: The reviews aren't that good.
Eli: But the sales are.