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Earl Cross: All day long, I listen to people give me excuses why they can't work... 'My back hurts,' 'my legs ache,' [pauses for a second] 'I'm only four!' The sooner he learns life isn't handed to him on a silver platter, the better!
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Elliot Loudermilk: Hello wabbit.
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Ghost of Christmas Past: [after driving harmlessly through a van] GO BACK TO JERSEY, YA MORON! [laughs]
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Ghost of Christmas Present: Sometimes, you have to SLAP them in the face just to get their attention!
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James Cross: [last lines] My brother, The King of Christmas.
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Promo Announcer: The night the reindeer died!
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Elliot: Hello, IBC program room.
Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?
Elliot: Oh, uh, Brice ****mings is the idiot, sir, but uh... he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?
Preston: A butthead?
Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before, but you really looked good in a suit.
[Preston angrily kicks one of the cats]
Preston: This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?
Elliot: Oh, uh, Brice ****mings is the idiot, sir, but uh... he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?
Preston: A butthead?
Elliot: He said he never felt that way about a man before, but you really looked good in a suit.
[Preston angrily kicks one of the cats]
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Frank: Grace, put yourself down for a towel, too.
Grace: What about my bonus?
Frank: Towel and a facecloth.
Grace: What about my bonus?
Frank: Towel and a facecloth.
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Frank: I want to see her nipples.
Censor Lady: But this is a Christmas show.
Frank: Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples!
Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
Frank: See? And these guys are really looking!
Censor Lady: But this is a Christmas show.
Frank: Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples!
Carpenter: You can barely see them nipples.
Frank: See? And these guys are really looking!
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Frank: I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people.
Elliot: Well, uh... granted but the people already wanna watch the show.
Frank: That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified! Now if I were in charge, and I am. [laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts up] Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.
[Frank stands in front of the screens. Thunder sounds and ominous music start playing]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Acid rain.
[Images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Drug addictions.
[Shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: International terrorism.
[Jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Freeway killers.
[Guy with shotgun fires]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Now more than ever...
Frank: [Speaking along with announcer] It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic Scrooge. Your life...
Frank: [Speaking along with announcer] ... might just depend on it.
[Promo holds on the image of a nuclear explosion. Frank takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives]
Frank: Not bad, huh?
Elliot: Well, uh... granted but the people already wanna watch the show.
Frank: That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified! Now if I were in charge, and I am. [laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts up] Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.
[Frank stands in front of the screens. Thunder sounds and ominous music start playing]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Acid rain.
[Images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Drug addictions.
[Shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: International terrorism.
[Jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Freeway killers.
[Guy with shotgun fires]
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Now more than ever...
Frank: [Speaking along with announcer] It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Scrooge Promo Announcer: Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic Scrooge. Your life...
Frank: [Speaking along with announcer] ... might just depend on it.
[Promo holds on the image of a nuclear explosion. Frank takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives]
Frank: Not bad, huh?
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Frank: I get it. You're here to show me my past, and I'm supposed to get all dully-eyed and mushy. Well, forget it, pal, you got the wrong guy!
Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. But when he saw his mother... Niagara Falls!
Ghost of Christmas Past: That's exactly what Attila the Hun said. But when he saw his mother... Niagara Falls!
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Frank: I'm gonna give you a little advice, Claire... Scrape 'em off. You wanna save somebody? Save yourself!
Claire: Oh, well, that's a really nice attitude on Christmas Eve!
Frank: [starts to walk away and then turns around] Bah, humbug.
Claire: Oh, well, that's a really nice attitude on Christmas Eve!
Frank: [starts to walk away and then turns around] Bah, humbug.
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Frank: Same old Claire... still trying to save the world.
Claire: You still trying to run it?
Claire: You still trying to run it?
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Ghost of Christmas Past: You left Claire for Frisbee the dog? Frank, let me sum this up for you: you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on!
Frank: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on!
Ghost of Christmas Past: [the Ghost has disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Up here!
Frank: What's going on?
Ghost of Christmas Past: How should I know? I'm just the ghost! So long, sucker!
Frank: I've made a few mistakes. I gotta live with that. But I do know who I am, I know what I want, and I know what's going on!
Ghost of Christmas Past: [the Ghost has disappeared into a monitor, and whistles to get his attention] Hey, Frank! Up here!
Frank: What's going on?
Ghost of Christmas Past: How should I know? I'm just the ghost! So long, sucker!
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Ghost of Christmas Past: You still spend the next fifteen years sitting on your ass watching TV.
Frank: Check the records! I did some stuff. I played baseball. One year, I hit the home-run that won the big game--
Ghost of Christmas Past: That was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father.
Frank: There was another time, though. I was on a hill covered with flowers, and there was a beautiful girl with pigtails--
Ghost of Christmas Past: PATHETIC! You are so pathetic! That was Little House on the Prairie!
Frank: ... Was it the the homecoming episode?
Ghost of Christmas Past: [exasperated] Yes, it was the homecoming episode of Little House. Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.
Frank: Yeah? Name one.
Frank: Check the records! I did some stuff. I played baseball. One year, I hit the home-run that won the big game--
Ghost of Christmas Past: That was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father.
Frank: There was another time, though. I was on a hill covered with flowers, and there was a beautiful girl with pigtails--
Ghost of Christmas Past: PATHETIC! You are so pathetic! That was Little House on the Prairie!
Frank: ... Was it the the homecoming episode?
Ghost of Christmas Past: [exasperated] Yes, it was the homecoming episode of Little House. Let's face it, Frank. Garden slugs got more out of life than you.
Frank: Yeah? Name one.