So I Married an Axe Murderer quotes

View Quote Charlie Mackenzie: Hi, can we get our check please? Thanks.
[the check comes]
Charlie Mackenzie: I'll get that.
Tony Giardino: No i got it.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no.
Tony Giardino: No, no, no. Let me.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Tony Giardino: Charlie, please.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Tony Giardino: Let me pick this up, please.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Tony Giardino: I insist.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no, no, no, no, no. No to infinity. Negatory. Negatory, good buddy. Ne-ga-to-ry!
Harriet Michaels: I'll pick up the check.
Charlie Mackenzie: Okay.

View Quote Charlie Mackenzie: How many people have you brutally murdered?
Harriet Michaels: Well, brutal's a subjective term. What's brutal to one person might be entirely reasonable to someone else.

View Quote Charlie Mackenzie: I don't want to lose you.
Harriet Michaels: You didn't. You rejected me.
Charlie Mackenzie: Okay, I'm un-rejecting you.

View Quote Charlie Mackenzie: Marry me.
Harriet Michaels: No..
Charlie Mackenzie: ...Please?

View Quote Charlie Mackenzie: So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?
Tony Giardino: What do ya mean?
Charlie Mackenzie: I mean you look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.
Tony Giardino: What are ya talking about, I look hip!
Charlie Mackenzie: No no no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop TRYING to look hip.
Tony Giardino: I AM an undercover cop trying to look hip.

View Quote Frank/Obituary writer: Here's another one here, Native San Franciscan, plumber, Elliot, Ralph. Moved to Dallas, dissappeared four months ago. Body was found in a sewer.
Newspaper reporter: Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain. Haha.
Charlie Mackenzie: Did they mention anything about his wife?
Newspaper reporter: Alright, okay. Look, I know that we're talking about real people so I'm sorry.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no. I'm serious, did they mention the wife?
Newspaper reporter: No, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, no. I'm really serious. Did they mention the wife? I just want to know about the wife.
Newspaper reporter: Hey, hey! You win, you win, okay? I'm a bad person!
Frank/Obituary writer: Hey, c'mon take it easy, will ya?
Newspaper reporter: No, he's saying I'm a bad person and that I'm insensitive. He's saying I'm a shit.
Frank/Obituary writer: He's not saying you're a shit!
Charlie Mackenzie: Did they-did they mention the wife?!
Newspaper reporter: No! No! They didn't mention the wife! Ya happy?! Yeah! Oh hoo, yes, yes. I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop your job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying you for!
Frank/Obituary writer: [to Charlie] He was my ride home.

View Quote Harriet Michaels: Charlie, have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff or a subway platform with someone and you thought just for a split second "What if I pushed him?"
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, not really. Usually I follow the Judeo-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill" but that's just me.

View Quote Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis?
Charlie Mackenzie: No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

View Quote Harriet Michaels: Ralph, this is Charlie.
Ralph: It's really great to meet you.
Charlie Mackenzie: Oh no, no. It's great to meet you. Yes, yes. I love you!
[hugs her tightly out of happiness, making his towel drop]
Charlie Mackenzie: ...I'm naked, aren't I?

View Quote John Johnson: Hello everyone, I am a park ranger and I will be leading you on the tour. All of the park rangers were, at one time, guards, myself included. My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me "Vicky".
Tony Giardino: I love Vicky.
Charlie Mackenzie: Yeah, Vicky's the best.

View Quote May Mackenzie: Charlie, hand me the paper.
Charlie Mackenzie: Mom, I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News "the paper." A paper contains facts.
May Mackenzie: This newspaper contains facts. Look at this. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact!

View Quote May Mackenzie: Harriet, why don't you come with me. I have wonderful photographs when he was a wee baby.
Stuart Mackenzie: And show her the picture of Charlie when he shit his pants at Niagra Falls.

View Quote Rose Michaels: Let me make you some breakfast.
Charlie Mackenzie: Oh gee, you know, I-I'd love to but, you know, I'm really running late.
Rose Michaels: What would you say to silver dollar pancakes, fresh squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee?
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, that sounds great.
[scene changes to her pouring Charlie a bowl of Fruit Loops]
Rose Michaels: Sorry, I didn't have those other things.

View Quote Rose Michaels: You know Harriet.
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, actually I don't.
Rose Michaels: But you did have sex with her.
Charlie Mackenzie: Hello!

View Quote Stuart Mackenzie: So, Charlie tells me you're a butcher.
Harriet Michaels: Yes, I am a butcher.
Stuart Mackenzie: Do you link your own sausage?