Step Brothers quotes

View Quote (Dale and Brennan, after Dale punched Derek) Brennan: Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?
Derek: What?
Brennan: If you lick my butthole.
Dale: SNAP!! (He and Brennan do a high-five)

View Quote Brennan: [about Robert] I'm not gonna call him "Dad".
Nancy: Brennan, you're 39 years old. I would not expect you to call him "Dad".
Brennan: Well, I'm not going to. Ever. Even if there's a fire!

View Quote Brennan: Listen, I know we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me, against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.
Dale: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon, if that's what you mean.

View Quote Brennan: Listen. Mom...Mr. Doback.
Robert: Don't call me Mr. Doback.
Brennan: Ok...Mom, Doback.

View Quote Brennan: Robert better not get in my face... 'cause I'll drop that mother****er.
Nancy: Jesus, Brennan.

View Quote Brennan: Where did he go to medical school?
Nancy: He went to Northwestern and Johns Hopkins, is that good enough for you?
Brennan: No, it’s not.
Nancy: Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools.
Brennan: I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.
Nancy: You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.
Brennan: It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering. And they were blazing that shit up every day.

View Quote Brennan: Your drum set's a whore! I tea bagged your ****ing drum set!
Dale: Well, my drum set's a guy, so that makes you gay, you ****er!

View Quote Dale: (Is inside of the hole) What are you doing?
Brennan: (As he's shoveling dirt on Dale) I'm burying you!
Dale: (Sobbing) But I'm alive! Brennan, I'm alive!
Brennan: (Continues burying him) You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!!
Dale: No!
Brennan: Now I'm gonna play your drum set!
Dale: Help me!
Brennan: Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you.

View Quote Dale: (Regarding the job interviews that occurred) Is my dad mad about the stuff that happened?
Nancy: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.
Brennan: Oh, he did?
Nancy: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or...?
Dale: No. I thought it was gonna be silent.
Brennan: It was not silent...
Dale: It just kept going...
Brennan: It got louder...
Dale: It made a sound. It was embarrassing...
Brennan: It got louder.

View Quote Dale: (To Brennan, believing he touched his drum set) Hey, man. Did you touch my drum set?
Brennan: Nope.
Dale: It's just weird 'cause...it seems like someone definitely touched my drum set.
Brennan: Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch em'.
Dale: (Throws Brennan's feet off the couch) Hey! (Angrily) Did you touch my drum set?!
Brennan: Hey, knock it off!
Dale: I know you touched my drum STICK. 'Cause the left one has a chip in it!
Brennan: Are you ****ing crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.
Dale: **** you, Brennan! I know you touched my drum set, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it!
Brennan: You get outta my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!
Dale: You swear on your mom's life you didn't touch it then?!
Brennan: I don't have to swear to shit!
Dale: That's 'cause you ****ing touched my drum set, 'cause I KNOW, Cops doesn't start till 4:00!
Brennan: (Begins to leave the living room)
Dale: Where you going?
Brennan: I'm going upstairs. Cause I'm gonna put my nutsack on your drum set! Okay!? (He walks upstairs)
Dale: Don't you do that! I am WARNING you right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, IN THE NECK, WITH A KNIFE!

View Quote Dale: Alright, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good. I've got a luscious V of hair going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro. And she takes one look at me, and she goes: 'Oh, my God. I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf.'
Robert: Shut the **** up!!

View Quote Dale: Can we turn our beds into bunk beds?
Brennan: It will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!
Robert: You don't need permission from us to build bunk beds. You're adults, you can do what you want.
Dale: So...?
Robert: I'm not making myself clear... I don't give a ****. Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds.
Dale: So...?
Brennan: We can..? No?
Nancy: Yes.
Brennan: Thanks. You guys are not gonna regret it.
Dale: This is the funnest night ever!

View Quote Dale: Dad. We're men, okay? That means a few things; we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we like to go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked.
Robert: (Thinks for a minute) We literally have never done any of those things.

View Quote Dale: Why are you so sweaty?
Brennan: I was watching Cops.

View Quote Dale: You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learn-ed doctors.
Brennan: You're not a doctor...you're a big, fat, curly-headed ****!