Officer Michaels quotes
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[While breaking up a party] I assume you all have guns and crack.
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[Out of breath] That kid's a freak! He's a freak, he's the fastest kid alive!
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The only evidence this is is that you can take a hit like a ****in' champ!
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This jobs isn't really how y'know shows like CSI make it out to be. I mean when I first joined the force I assumed there was semen on everything! And there was some sort of semen database that had every bad guy's semen in it. There isn't! That doesn't exist! It'd be nice. Like that crime scene today; If the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we would have a real good shot at catching him! But no.. just a punch in the face, no semen... Story of my life...
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Set course for Bailey's Bar & Grill, Warp 10 - engage!
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[While breaking up a party] Everyone prepare to be ****ed by the long dick of the law!
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McLovin's our friend! We should be guiding his ****, not blocking it.
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McLovin!!! NICE!!!
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Shall we get road beers? Yeah? Can I have thirteen beers to go please.
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[While shooting a stop sign, hears police sirens] Oh shit, it's the cops! Bail, bail, bail!
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Are the numbers on your side odd or even, McLovin?
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Officer Slater: Alright now guys, check this out... probably the greatest move in donut-spinning history, you paying attention? Behold the upward spiraling pigtail!
Officer Michaels: Why is it called that?
Officer Slater: I don't know!
Officer Michaels: Make the badge proud, Slater! [to Fogell] He's not usually this drunk when he does this, but I think that could make it more cool.
Officer Michaels: Why is it called that?
Officer Slater: I don't know!
Officer Michaels: Make the badge proud, Slater! [to Fogell] He's not usually this drunk when he does this, but I think that could make it more cool.
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Fogell: Can I hold your gun?
Officer Slater: [Pauses for a moment] ...Yeah, sure, I don't see why not.
Officer Michaels: I think everyone should hold a gun at least twice.
Officer Slater: [Pauses for a moment] ...Yeah, sure, I don't see why not.
Officer Michaels: I think everyone should hold a gun at least twice.
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[From trailer]
Officer Slater: McLovin?
Officer Michaels: That's such a cool name.
Officer Slater: I know.
Officer Michaels: It sounds like a sexy hamburger.
Officer Slater: McLovin?
Officer Michaels: That's such a cool name.
Officer Slater: I know.
Officer Michaels: It sounds like a sexy hamburger.
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McLovin: What's it like to have guns?
Officer Michaels: It's like having two ****s... if one of your ****s could kill someone!
Officer Michaels: It's like having two ****s... if one of your ****s could kill someone!
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[Looking at an adult magazine]
Seth: Oh **** me...
Evan: Look at those nipples...
Seth: They look like little baby toes.
Evan: It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Seth: Y'know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome! I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
Seth: Oh **** me...
Evan: Look at those nipples...
Seth: They look like little baby toes.
Evan: It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get.
Seth: Y'know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome! I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.
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Seth: [referring to Evan's mother] I am truly jealous you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby.
Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
Evan: Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick.
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[Watching the police cruiser burn]
Fogell: Can we shoot it?
Officer Michaels: I dunno.
[Offers Fogell his gun]
Officer Michaels: Can you?
[Fogell shoots out a window]
Fogell:Break yo' self fool!
[Fogell empties the rest of the magazine at the car in a frenzy]
Fogel: Tight...
Fogell: Can we shoot it?
Officer Michaels: I dunno.
[Offers Fogell his gun]
Officer Michaels: Can you?
[Fogell shoots out a window]
Fogell:Break yo' self fool!
[Fogell empties the rest of the magazine at the car in a frenzy]
Fogel: Tight...
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Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.
Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.
Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a ****in' break!...I'm sorry for cursing.
[Teacher is in disbelief of Seth's speech]
Teacher: All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Seth: Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.
Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.
Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.
Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.
Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a ****in' break!...I'm sorry for cursing.
[Teacher is in disbelief of Seth's speech]
Teacher: All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.
Seth: Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.
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Evan: I still think you have a chance with Jules man. Really I mean she got incredibly hot over the summer and she obviously hasn't realized it yet cause she's still always talking to you and flirting with you and stuff.
Seth: Are you out of your mind! Look at Jules' dating record ok. She dated Dan Remick who's had a 6 pack since like kindergarten, Jason Stone who looks like ****ing Zack Morris, and Matt Muir, Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy ever! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I ever heard the Beatles.
Seth: Are you out of your mind! Look at Jules' dating record ok. She dated Dan Remick who's had a 6 pack since like kindergarten, Jason Stone who looks like ****ing Zack Morris, and Matt Muir, Matt Muir, he's the sweetest guy ever! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I ever heard the Beatles.
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Evan: I'm just sick of all the amateur stuff, y'know? I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar I want a little production value, y'know like some editing, transition, something, some music...
Seth: Yeah well y'know, I'm sorry, Evan, that the Coen Brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get a hold of, okay?
Seth: Yeah well y'know, I'm sorry, Evan, that the Coen Brothers don't direct the porn that I watch. They're hard to get a hold of, okay?
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Fogel: Wait for me Nicola! Wait for me on the outside!
Nicola: We were gonna go to Hawaii...
Nicola: We were gonna go to Hawaii...
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[Breaking up the party]
Slater: Oh no, it's the cops!
Michaels: Get the hell outta here right now...
Slater: Get outta here pal she's not interested...
Michaels: Drop the crantini and move it, sister...
Slater: See ya sugar tits!
Slater: Oh no, it's the cops!
Michaels: Get the hell outta here right now...
Slater: Get outta here pal she's not interested...
Michaels: Drop the crantini and move it, sister...
Slater: See ya sugar tits!
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Evan: I heard she got breast reduction surgery.
Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man. Anyway, it's like they made them better. They're more... symmetrical, supple, firm.
Seth: Alright, I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.
Seth: What? That's like slapping God across the face for giving you a beautiful gift.
Evan: She had back problems, man. Anyway, it's like they made them better. They're more... symmetrical, supple, firm.
Seth: Alright, I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let's make a move.
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Seth: I can get you guys alcohol.
Jules: Really? Seriously?
Seth: Yes, for sure.
Jules: That would be awesome. Thank you. You know, because we're worried about that. That would be great. Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my ****.
Jules: Really? Seriously?
Seth: Yes, for sure.
Jules: That would be awesome. Thank you. You know, because we're worried about that. That would be great. Plus, you know, you scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my ****.
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[After Slater and Michaels pretend to arrest Fogel in front of a crowd of teenagers]
Officer Slater: This is gonna get you so much ass.
Fogel: Really?
Officer Slater: This is gonna get you so much ass.
Fogel: Really?
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[Walks by the kid Seth and pushes his notebook and his dick drawing off the desk, and it lands near kid Becca]
Kid: Pussy!
Kid: Pussy!
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Gym Teacher: Seth, get off the field
Seth: [kicks ball into the stands] GOAL!
Gym Teacher: You're getting that!
Seth: No, I'm not!
Seth: [kicks ball into the stands] GOAL!
Gym Teacher: You're getting that!
Seth: No, I'm not!