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[The terrorists have bombed the Panama Canal]
Sarah: But... how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.
Spottswoode: It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. [turns towards the machine] That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad intelligence.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: I'm sorry.

Spottswoode: Team, if the Derka-derkistanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be nine-eleven... times a thousand.
Sarah: Jesus, you mean...?
Spottswoode: Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
Chris: Well, then forget all these assholes! We have work to do!
Spottswoode: Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!

Spottswoode: Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.: [pause] Yes there is.

Unused dialogue: Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I screwed up with Cairo. [pause] I let racism cloud my judgment. [pause] I was so sure the world's ultimate terrorist must be Middle Eastern that... I never suspected he was a God damn gook. I'll never be racist again.
[Gary walks in with packed bags, drops them on the floor]
Spottswoode: Where are you going, Gary??
Gary: Don't you get it? Everyone hates us!!
Spottswoode: Now, now... Everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.
Gary: [pause] No they didn't!
Spottswoode: Well, I did. That ****sucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!

Spottswoode: Je - sus - Tit - ty - **** - ing! .....CHRIIIIIIST!!!

Sarah: We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E,!

[Sarah's plane is crashing]
Sarah: I sense I'm going down.

[Kim Jong Il brings up the Middle Eastern terrorists on a large viewscreen]
Kim Jong Il: Okay: who brew up Panama Canal?
Terrorist: We were angry about Cairo.
Kim Jong Il: Goddammit, how many times I have to tew you? You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal! I have worked ten years on this pran! It is a very pwecise, and a compricated pran! I am sick of you terrorists ****ing it up!! Now take the weapons where I told you and wait for the goddamn signal this time! Goodbye!! [flicks the screen off] Why is everyone so ****ing stupid? Why aren't more peopre interrigent, rike me?:
[Song: Ronery]

[Gary is drinking his depression away]
Gary Johnston: I'm a dick!
Drunk guy: Well, being a dick ain't so bad. See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just wanna **** all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because... pussies get ****ed by dicks. But dicks also-****-assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't **** the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit! [Gary pukes]
Alec Baldwin: What the world needs is an international advisory committee who truly understands global politics. Namely, us.
Janeane Garofalo: As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.
Matt Damon: Matt Damon!
[Chris is experiencing some electro-torture at the hands of a Korean guard]
Chris: [gazes upon his torturer] I'm gonna ****ing kill you!
Kim Jong Il: You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red-write-and brue-friend.
Lisa: So you're the bastard planning nine-eleven times a thousand.
Kim Jong Il: Nooo, you think so small. You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony. And while all the world's most important people are distracted here, I will detonate the WMDs, which I have given to terrrice... awr around the grobe. [looks down on Sarah] It will be nine-eleven times... two thousand three hundred and fifty six!
Chris: My God... That's... I don't even know what that is!
Kim Jong Il: Nobody does!!
Kim Jong il: You are da rast of a dying breed...the fwag-waving American. Well, your wittle dweam will soon be over.

[The terrorists have bombed the Panama Canal] Sarah : But... how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo. Spottswoode : It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. [turns towards the machine] That was bad , I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad intelligence. I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. : I'm sorry. Spottswoode : Team, if the Derka-derkistanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be nine-eleven... times a thousand. Sarah : Jesus, you mean...? Spottswoode : Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand. Chris : Well, then forget all these assholes! We have work to do! Spottswoode : Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting ! Spottswoode : Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America". I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. : [pause] Yes there is. Unused dialogue: Spottswoode : Team, this is all my fault. I screwed up with Cairo. [pause] I let racism cloud my judgment. [pause] I was so sure the world's ultimate terrorist must be Middle Eastern that... I never suspected he was a God damn gook. I'll never be racist again. [Gary walks in with packed bags, drops them on the floor] Spottswoode : Where are you going, Gary?? Gary : Don't you get it? Everyone hates us!! Spottswoode : Now, now... Everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too. Gary : [pause] No they didn't! Spottswoode : Well, I did. That ****sucking bear killed Jack Kennedy! Spottswoode : Je - sus - Tit - ty - **** - ing ! .....CHRIIIIIIST!!! Sarah : We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E! I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E,! [Sarah's plane is crashing] Sarah : I sense I'm going down. [Kim Jong Il brings up the Middle Eastern terrorists on a large viewscreen] Kim Jong Il : Okay : who brew up Panama Canal? Terrorist : We were angry about Cairo. Kim Jong Il : Goddammit, how many times I have to tew you? You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal! I have worked ten years on this pran! It is a very pwecise, and a compricated pran! I am sick of you terrorists ****ing it up !! Now take the weapons where I told you and wait for the goddamn signal this time ! Goodbye!! [flicks the screen off] Why is everyone so ****ing stupid ? Why aren't more peopre interrigent , rike me?: [Song: Ronery] [Gary is drinking his depression away] Gary Johnston : I'm a dick ! Drunk guy : Well, being a dick ain't so bad. See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just wanna **** all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything ! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because... pussies get ****ed by dicks. But dicks also-****-assholes , Chuck. And if they didn't **** the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit ! [Gary pukes] Alec Baldwin : What the world needs is an international advisory committee who truly understands global politics. Namely, us. Janeane Garofalo : As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion. Matt Damon : Matt Damon! [Chris is experiencing some electro-torture at the hands of a Korean guard] Chris : [gazes upon his torturer] I'm gonna ****ing kill you ! Kim Jong Il : You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red-write-and brue-friend . Lisa : So you're the bastard planning nine-eleven times a thousand. Kim Jong Il : Nooo, you think so small. You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony. And while all the world's most important people are distracted here, I will detonate the WMDs, which I have given to terrrice... awr around the grobe. [looks down on Sarah] It will be nine-eleven times... two thousand three hundred and fifty six! Chris : My God... That's... I don't even know what that is! Kim Jong Il : Nobody does!! Kim Jong il : You are da rast of a dying breed...the fwag-waving American . Well, your wittle dweam will soon be over.