Uncle Buck quotes

View Quote Miles: Where do you live?
Buck: In the city.
Miles: You have a house?
Buck: Apartment.
Miles: Own or rent?
Buck: Rent.
Miles: What do you do for a living?
Buck: Lots of things.
Miles: Where's your office?
Buck: I don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: I don't need one.
Miles: Where's your wife?
Buck: Don't have one.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's a long story.
Miles: You have kids?
Buck: No I don't.
Miles: How come?
Buck: It's an even longer story.
Miles: Are you my Dad's brother?
Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?
Miles: 38.
Buck: I'm your Dad's brother alright.
Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my Dad.
Buck: How nice of you to notice.
Miles: I'm a kid - that's my job.

View Quote Tia: Are you crazy?
Buck: I can be.
Tia: You could have taken his head off!
Buck: Yeah, but would he notice?

View Quote Tia: Uncle Buck?
Buck: Yeah?
Tia: Got a minute?
Buck: I got lots of minutes.
Tia: Now that everything's okay with my grandfather, I want to go out tomorrow night.
Buck: You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out.
Tia: You just can't find any way to be cool can you?
Buck: You mean easy? No.
Tia: I mean decent!
Buck: You mean blind!
Tia: Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up shit creek and got stuck!
Buck: Get used on your parent's time.

View Quote [at a meeting with the assistant principal, who's got a large unsightly growth on her face]
Anita: I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Buck Russell: [Staring at it] I'm Buck Melanoma. Moley Russell's wart. Not her wart. Not her wart! I'm... I'm the wart. She's my tumor. My... my growth. My... uh, my pimple. I'm Uncle Wart. Just old Buck "Wart" Russell. That's what they call me, or Melanoma Head. They'll call me that. "Melanoma Head's coming." I'm s... uncle! Maisy Russell's uncle!

View Quote [Buck is trying to make Tia go out bowling with him]
Buck: We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.
Tia: Try me.
Buck: How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out of work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.

View Quote [Buck's beat-up old car pulls up]
Bug: Ever hear of a tune-up? Hee hee hee hee hee.
Buck: Ah, heh heh heh. Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah, heh heh heh heh heh
Bug: I don't get it.
Buck: You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah, heh heh heh heh.

View Quote [Chanice is listening to an answering machine message from Buck]
Buck: I think about those two little dimples on your buns. Hahaha.
Chanice: Dimples!
Buck: What do we call them? One... one was on the right, 'was Lyndon and left was...
Chanice: It's Johnson.
Buck: Johnson.
[Chanice laughs]
Buck: And then there was your boobs we did. Now, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey, I remember that because of Disneyworld. And Felix! Felix is what we called your...
[cut to the next scene, where a cat meows loudly]

View Quote [Miles and Maisey watch Tia make out with her boyfriend]
Miles: That's a pretty stupid thing to do during flu season.
Maisey: I'll bet she's getting the tongue!

View Quote [On the way to his brother's] Oh boy, those kids. I haven't seen those kids in a while. Tia's gotta be nine. Nine, maybe ten. Oh boy. And the two new ones. They're uh... Larry and... uh... Larry and, uh... Uh... Betsy. Betsy, uh... Jennifer. Jennifer. Larry and Jennifer. Oh boy.

View Quote [serving gigantic pancakes to Miles for his birthday] You should see the toast. I couldn't even get it through the door.

View Quote [struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! OPEN UP! UUGGHH! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not.

View Quote [They're eating Chinese take-out] This is such a wonderful dinner, mother. How DO you find the time?

View Quote [to her mother] If my whole family moved away from me, I'd have a heart attack too.

View Quote [to Maizy's principal] I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam.

View Quote Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God-damndest things