Wedding Crashers quotes

View Quote (Upon finding out that Jeremy is getting married) WHAT?! What an IDIOT! What a loser! Good! Good! More for me and you!

View Quote Chazz's mom: Chazz, there's someone here to see you! And pick up your ****ing skateboard!

View Quote Grandma: He was a doll! The wife, though, Eleanore, big dike. Huge dike. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.

View Quote Husband: Hey, I got an idea, why don't you just kiss my left nut!

View Quote Husband: Yeah, that's right, go comatose for me, baby!

View Quote Wife: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!

View Quote Janice: Why do you need this?
Jeremy: I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.
Janice: Okay, that's not creepy.
Jeremy: I guess it is a little creepy, when a young man, who happens to be an only child, loses both of his parents in a tragic accident one month before his birthday and then has his best friend make a vow that he will never spend his birthday alone. Yea, maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.
Janice: Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Jeremy: That's okay.
Janice: No, you're really sweet. I've got the perfect girl for you.
Jeremy: Ahh, Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there you're wondering "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested? But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested, but now she's not interested, so now all of a sudden I'm getting--I'm started to get interested." And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door 'cause then it's awkward? It's like, well, "Goodnight. Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close or just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all?" It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while your just really want to know are we going to get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions. And perhaps play a little game called just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels, or "Ouch, ouch, you're on my hair."
Janice: Okay.
Jeremy: Okay, could you, could you put that so he--he can't see it. Thank you. Hey Janice, great talk.

View Quote Jeremy: (confesses to a priest) She's good. I mean, I believed that she was a virgin and it hurts to be lied to like that. It's a horrible feeling to feel that way. But I, you know, was looking to take advantage of something, too, so could I really feel that bad? It's not like I was who I was. You know what I'm saying? So fair play. And let's be honest with each other here, okay? Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straight-jacket, this broad is ****ed three ways towards the weekend, and you want to know what? I dig it! It turns me on! Yeah, it turns me on! Because you want to know what the kicker is, Father? Maybe I'm a little ****ing crazy! That's right, maybe Jeremy is a little nuts! And there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise. I know it's not on the surface. Man, I had a little imaginary friend when I was a kid. His name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other everyday and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win.
Priest: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Jeremy: And that ain't normal! There's something odd in that, but maybe that's what it takes to make you feel connected to somebody. I don't know! But I know when that red-head starts getting kooky, there's something about me that feels alive inside. Diggin' talking with ya. You're a really enlightened cat and I like that about you. Think you're a special special man. Come in for the real thing. Get in here for the real thing. (kisses the priest) I love you, you're a sweet man.
Priest: Dear God!

View Quote Jeremy: (with sleeping bag) Happy birthday. Can't let a little pissing and moaning break tradition.
John: Alright, it's today.
Jeremy: See you've been getting into a little light reading.
John: It's not mine, I bought that for a friend.
Jeremy: Yeah. So how ya been?
John: Great, really spectacular.
Jeremy: Well good. What have you been up to?
John: Ya, you know, this and that. Crashing weddings.
Jeremy: Alone?
John: No, not alone.
Jeremy: Well, who have you been crashing with then?
John: Chazz.
Jeremy: Chazz?
John: Chazz.
Jeremy: John, you don't even know Chazz. Don't st--
John: Yes, I do. He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.
Jeremy: Alright look. I wanted to come by here and, and tell you I really feel bad about everything that's happened between us. Your friendship means a lot to me. I miss seeing ya.
John: I know, I--look I'm, I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found someone.
Jeremy: I can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear you say that man. Get on in here, let the big bear get his paws on ya (hugs him). You know I love you. It's good to see you.
John: It's good to see you.
Jeremy: Are you sure you've been okay, this does not look like a guy who's been okay.
John: Ahh, I know. Looks like a pig sty.
Jeremy: Like a mosh pit in here. Listen, I'm getting married.
John: Get out.
Jeremy: What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me that I'm--
John: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading "don't kill myself" books.
Jeremy: You said that the book wasn't your's.
John: Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.
Jeremy: John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
John: Kindly leave!
Jeremy: I'm trying--
John: Kindly leave.
Jeremy: Mean a lot to me if you came.
John: Oh, I bet it would! Hillbilly!
Jeremy: What?!
John: White trash!
Jeremy: What are you talking about?
John: Out. Out.
Jeremy: You better get your ass to that wedding.

View Quote Jeremy: I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to, I didn't know how. And I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'll level with ya, I care about her a lot. I love her.
John: What?! You're unbelievable. Judas! Rule number 5, you're an idiot.
Jeremy: You're wrong about the rule book on this. There was never any rules about this. What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket, rule number hundred and fifteen. You're an asshole.

View Quote Jeremy: Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's kind of an interesting combination.
Sack: I hunt quail, Jeremy! They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grub worm population. You got a ****ing problem with that?!
Jeremy: Not nearly as much as I do with the, uh, attire you have on or just you general point of view toward everybody, but let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

View Quote Jeremy: So what's next?
Gloria: I'm starving.
Jeremy: Uchimora wedding, 3 PM.
John: Hey, hey.
Jeremy: I'm just throwing it out there. I'm just saying, just--
John: (to Claire) They would have great tempura.
Jeremy: We don't even have a back story. I'm just--
John: Forget it, forget it.
Jeremy: Just talking out loud.
Claire: We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City!
Gloria: Yeah!
Jeremy: Yes, we are.

View Quote Jeremy: Sorry, just--just a sampler (grabbing food). Told you this would be classy, right?
John: Yes, you did. Class, first class all the way. I'm not blind.
Jeremy: Class, class, class. They've got some kind of seasoning on here, it must be sprinkled.
John: Okay, go get us sets near, but not too near the bridal party. I'm going to go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
Jeremy: Oh, and if you see any crab cakes, get your hands on some because I love the crab cakes.
John: Consider it done.

View Quote Jeremy: We are going to have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that are so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
John: And who's going to be there to catch them?
Jeremy: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding season? (raises hand)
John: Mister Grey.
Jeremy: Yes, um, the answer would be, um, wedding season?
John: Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, and now who are we this time?

View Quote Jeremy: Well don't worry about it. We'll burn em with a post.
John: No, I got a better idea. Look, I want what you to fake the post and throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good, you know? Get us a moment, you think you can do that?
Jeremy: John, I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here. Alright guys, bring it in. Blue 17, blue 17! Red 7, red 7!
John (to Claire): Oh, you're going to cover me?
Claire: Like white on rice.
Jeremy: (in background) Red 7! Red 7!
John: Alright, I like my odds here.
Jeremy: (in background) Hot route! Hot route!
John (to Claire): Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown.
Jeremy: (to everyone) Hot route! Red 7, red 7, red 7!
John (to Claire): Look for me in the end zone. I'll be the guy holding the ball.
Jeremy: (to John) John!
John: What?
Jeremy: Red 7!
John: I don't know what Red 7 means!
Jeremy: Hot route!
John: I don't--what is hot route?
Jeremy: Would you just go stand on the other side please?