Wedding Crashers quotes

View Quote Jeremy: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. What were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes motorboat noises] You motor-boating son of a bitch! You old sailor, you! Where is she? She still in the house?
John: What is wrong with you?
Jeremy: What do you mean "what's wrong with--?" What's wrong with you?
John: No, what's wrong with you?
Jeremy: No, what's wrong with you?! You're projecting!
John: Drop it.
Jeremy: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
John: Drop it!
Jeremy: Team player!

View Quote Jeremy: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John, I'm fried.
John: Soft mattress?
Jeremy: Yeah, that could've been it. Could've been the soft mattress, or it could've been the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
John: Try one of these scones, you're gonna love them.
Jeremy: I'm a little too traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.

View Quote Jeremy: I don't give a baker's ****! I just had my own sock duct taped into my mouth last night!
John: Whoa, what?
Jeremy: Yeah, the, the sock that I wore all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth and then was duct taped over it!
John: Well, then let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.
Jeremy: I'm not going to discuss this. I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.

View Quote Jeremy: The great 19th century philosopher Schopenhauer, he said, at that moment when a human sees another human in danger, that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness. Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
Gloria: What?
Jeremy: That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone--with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from "What's Happening!", The Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote "Catcher in the Rye," Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother--we're all one.
Gloria: We are?

View Quote Jeremy: Who else wants something?
Boy: I want a bicycle.
Jeremy: A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons and honestly Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now so why don't we do something like, uh, let's say a giraffe?
Boy: I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy: Wh-why are you yelling at me?
Boy: Whatever, make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy: I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Boy: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it!

View Quote John: Fondue set.
Claire: Excuse me?
John: The present you're holding is a sterling silver fondue set. John Ryan. (puts out hand to shake)
Claire: Claire Cleary. Uh, so how do you know that?
John: Well, I'm a psychic.
Claire: You're psychic?
John: I am.
Claire: Really?
John: Yes.
Claire: What's that one.
John: Knife set. German, very nice.
Claire: Hmm..and that?
John: Cotton linens, Egyptian.
Claire: Ooooh, what about that?
John: Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings, candle sticks, crystal stemware, which they'll probably never use 'cause it's crystal stemware.
Claire: Okay, how about that?
John: This, uh, massage oils and a book on tantra probably from a wacky aunt.
Claire: Let's check.
John: Who's it from?
Claire: Aunt Milly.
John: Yes!
Claire: Well, you--you have a gift.
John: I know, unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.
Claire: Well, you know if the police are missing a Belgium waffle maker, you could, um, give them a hand.

View Quote John: Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like gorilla or rhinoceros or ****ing human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John: That's a little heavy.
Jeremy: I mean like, like a human being right now, most dangerous game. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.

View Quote John: No, don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy: Yeah, well the proper girl in the hat just eye ****ed the shit out of me.
[the guests in front of them turn and look at Jeremy]
John: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Jeremy: Look, John, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry, okay? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a ****s man.
[they turn around again]
John: Tourette's.

View Quote Sack: Trapster, it's Sack.
Trapster: Sackmaster! How was the wedding?
Sack: Oh, it was boring, you know, but the bachelor party, of course, rocked. We got Heidi a couple of those ****ing sluts from the environmental group, remember them?
Trapster: No way! Did you tap that again?
Sack: Once at my place, then once back in the cab.
Trapster: Damn! Sluts! Oh, how's Claire? Still trying to figure out what she's doing with her life?
Sack: Claire? She's, you know, whatever, I don't know. She's saving the world one maladjusted kid at a time. But that'll all change when we're married, 'cause I want a wife. I don't want a ****ing martyr, right?
Trapster: I hear that, my friend.
Sack: Hey, man, listen, l-l-l-I got--do you remember that private detective we used to set up that Shearson Lehman prick?
Trapster: The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius.
Sack: Yes. I need you to get some dirt on these two guys John and Jeremy Ryan. They're brothers from New Hampshire. They got some sort of N.P.O. Called "Holy Shirts & Pants."
Trapster: I will check into them.
Sack: Excellent, bro.
Trapster: You da man!
Sack: Take it easy.

View Quote Todd: I want my painting back.
Jeremy: Your painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.

View Quote Todd: Mom make you feel her tits?
John: Did you say something Todd?
Todd: Mom make you feel her tits?
John: Todd, where are you going with this?
Todd: Just don't, don't say anything to my dad though. Some friend of my sisters. She said something to my dad a couple of years ago. He now lives in a shack in Guam. Not by choice.

View Quote Woman: Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal. Shlomo, don't you remember me?
John: Oh my God, you didn't hear. I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba diving accident. Yeah, he came up too fast, and the oxygen deprivation...poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother. I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.
Woman: You poor thing!
John: He actually can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident. So you're here for the Cleary's wedding?
Woman: Oh, yes, yes, but I-I have to leave. I-I've got a flight to Madrid, but--
John: Oh, you have to leave?
Woman: Yes.
John: Oh, okay.
Woman: I could hang out for a few minutes.
[Jeremy begins to do hand gestures]
John: Oh, actually, that won't be necessary. Shlomo would now like me to take him to the bathroom, and then get him some crab cakes. So, yeah, no, that's o--[Jeremy does it even more] Okay, okay! Okay, I'm gonna take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.
Woman: You know what? Here is my number. If there is anything I can do to help--
John: Have a safe flight. Don't worry about us. We're gonna be fine. We're gonna make it.
[she leaves]
Jeremy: Doctor. She looked good. I'm gonna give it a shot.
John: How are you gonna call her? She thinks you're deaf.
Jeremy: Everyone wants to be a part of a miracle. I turned a corner. She's a part of it. People helping people. It's powerful stuff.
John: God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.

View Quote [sees Jeremy carrying the grandmother back to her room]
Randolph: You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?
Jeremy: Jam? L--
Randolph: Listen, man,the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you, if you like. His name is Snooky.
Jeremy: You could not be more wrong about what's happen--
Randolph: Just be gentle with her, okay? She be pushing 90! Jesus Christ.

View Quote Are you ready to have the noise brought on you?

View Quote Come on in for the real thing.