Wolf of Wall Street, The quotes

View Quote Donnie: How much money you make?
Jordan: $70,000 last month.
Donnie: Get the **** outta here!
Jordan: Well technically, $72,000 last month.
Donnie: You show me a pay stub for $72,000, I quit my job right now and work for you.
[later, on the phone]
Donnie: Hey Paulie, what's up? No, everything's fine. Hey listen, I quit!

View Quote Donnie: I got a couple of mil' comin' in like a week. And when it gets in, I'll give you a call and you come pick it up.
Brad: You'll give me a call?
Donnie: When it gets here, I'll give you a call and you'll come pick it up.
Chantalle: Well, we don't ****in' work for you, man!
Donnie: Sweetheart, you have my money taped to your tits. Okay? Technically, you do work for me.

View Quote Jordan Belfort: Mr. Hanna, you're able to do drugs during the day and then still function, still do your job?
Mark Hanna: How the **** else are you supposed to do this job? Cocaine and hookers, my friend.

View Quote Jordan: [holding his child] Does Daddy get a kiss from both of his little girls?
Naomi: Oh, no. No, Daddy doesn't even get to touch Mommy for a very, very... very long time.
Jordan: Daddy's really sorry about what he said in the other room, he didn't mean any of it!
Naomi: Daddy shouldn't waste his time. And from now on... it's gonna be nothing but short, short skirts around the house. And you know something else, Daddy? Mommy is just so sick and tired of wearing panties.
Jordan: Yeah?
Naomi: Yeah... [pushes him away with her legs] But no touching.
Jordan Belfort: Oh, gosh.

View Quote Jordan: I heard some stupid shit. I... I didn't even want to bring it up. It's just... stupid.
Donnie: Shit with me?
Jordan: People say shit... I don't even know. I don't even listen to it half the time.
Donnie: What do they say?
Jordan: Shit about you and your cousin or something like that. I don't even listen to it. It doesn't even...
Donnie: No... it's not like that. It's not like that.
Jordan: I mean like, you married your cousin or some stupid shit.
Donnie: Yeah, my wife is my cousin or whatever, but it's not like what you think.
Jordan: Is she like, a first cousin?
Donnie: Her father is the brother of my mom. Like, we grew up together, and she grew up hot, you know, she ****ing grew up hot. And all my friends are trying to **** her, you know, and I'm not gonna let one of these assholes **** my cousin. So I used the cousin thing, as like, an in with her. I'm not like, gonna let someone else **** my cousin, you know? If anyone's gonna **** my cousin, it's gonna be me. Out of respect.

View Quote Jordan: Well, you know, when you sail on a boat fit for a Bond villain, sometimes you need to play the part. [Pauses] I think it's time you both get the **** off my boat. Whaddya say?
Denham: You know, Jordan, I'll tell you something. Most of the Wall Street jackasses that I bust... They're to the manor born. Their fathers are douchebags, just like their fathers before them. But you, you, Jordan, you got this way all on your own.
Jordan: Did I?
Denham: Good for you, little man.
Jordan: Little man? [Laughing] Me, the little man?
Denham: Let me tell you something else. Honestly, I'm not bullshitting here, this is one of the nicest boats that I've ever been on. I gotta tell you.
Jordan: I bet it is.
Denham: And you wanna know what I was just thinking too? The ****ing hero I'm gonna be back at the office when the Bureau seizes this ****ing boat. Because, I mean, ****ety **** ****, Jordan, look at this thing! It's beautiful! And you got the beautiful girls there. It's wonderful.
Jordan: [laughing] All right, get the **** off my boat.
Denham: [Getting up to leave] I'm sure we'll be seeing each other real soon.
Jordan: I'm sure. Good luck on that subway ride home to your miserable ugly ****in' wives. I'm gonna have Heidi lick some caviar off my balls in the meantime. Hey, you guys wanna take some lobsters for your ride home? [Picks up a pair of lobsters and throws them after the two agents] ****in' miserable pricks, I know you can't afford them! ****in' cheap ****s!

View Quote Jordan: You want a beer, pal?
Donnie: What are you drinkin'?
Jordan: I got this non-alcoholic shit...
Donnie: What's that?
Jordan: It's like a non-alcoholic beer. It's got no... no alcohol.
Donnie: It's a beer?
Jordan: Yeah, with no alcohol.
Donnie: But, you drink enough and... you drink a lot and it'll get you ****ed up?
Jordan: No, there's no alcohol. That's the ****in' point.
Donnie: I'm not a scientist; I don't know what the **** you're talking about. I can get you beer if you want ****in' beer.
Jordan: I know, but I don't drink, remember? I don't drink anymore?
Donnie: What, you wanna go inside and blow some lines of baking powder, baking soda? Can't imagine ever not enjoying getting ****ed up. I love it.
Jordan: Yeah...
Donnie: How's being sober?
Jordan: It ****in' sucks.
Donnie: Boring, right?
Jordan: So boring. I'm gonna kill myself.

View Quote Mark Hanna: Get us two Absolut martinis. You know how I like 'em, straight up. In 7 and 1/2 minutes, you will bring us two more, then two more every 5 minutes after that, until one of us passes the **** out.
Hector: Excellent strategy, sir.
Jordan: [to the waiter] Oh, I'm good with water for now.
Mark Hanna: It's his first day on Wall Street. Give him time.

View Quote Mark Hanna: The name of the game; move the money from the client's pocket into your pocket.
Jordan: Right. But, if you can make your clients money at the same time it's advantageous to everyone, correct?
Mark Hanna: No. Number one rule of Wall Street: Nobody - I don't care if you're Warren Buffett or Jimmy Buffett - Nobody knows if the stock's going to go up, down, sideways, or in ****ing circles, least of all stockbrokers. It's all a Fugazzi. You know what a Fugazzi is?
Jordan: It's, uh... "Fugazi", it's a fake...
Mark Hanna: Fugazi, Fugazzi. It's a wazzy, it's a woozy. It's [whistles] fairy dust. It doesn't exist. It's Neverlanded. It is no matter. It's not on the elemental chart. It's not ****ing real. Stay with me. We don't create shit. We don't build anything. So if you've got a client who bought stock at 8 and it now sits at 16, and he's all ****in' happy. He wants to cash in, liquidate, take his ****in' money and run home. You don't let him do that, because that would make it real. No. What do you do? You get another brilliant idea. A special idea. Another "situation". Another stock, to reinvest his earnings and then some. And he will, every single time, because they're ****ing addicted. And then you just keep doing this, again and again and again and again. Meanwhile, he thinks he's getting shit rich, which he is, on paper. But you and me, the brokers, we're taking home cold hard cash via commission, mother****er!

View Quote Naomi: I want a divorce.
Jordan: What do you mean you want a divorce? What is that supposed to mean, you want a divorce?
Naomi: Get off me. I want a divorce. Get off.
Jordan: You just made love to me. What the **** is wrong with you?
Naomi: I don't love you anymore, Jordan!
Jordan: Oh, you don't love me? You don't love me anymore, huh? Well isn't that just ****ing convenient for you. Now that I'm under federal indictment with an electronic bracelet around my ankle, now you decide you don't ****ing love me anymore. Is that right?
Naomi: No, no.
Jordan: What kind of person are you? Tell me.
Naomi: You married me.
Jordan: What the **** is that supposed to mean?
Naomi: Jordan, this is how it's gonna go. I'm gonna take custody of the kids. If you agree to the divorce right now, I will allow visitation. Okay? Don't try to fight it.
Jordan: Oh my God.
Naomi: It will save us both a lot of money and I got a feeling you're gonna need it.
Jordan: You're not taking my kids, sweetheart. You hear me?
Naomi: I've already talked to the lawyer. He said even if you don't get convicted I've got a good chance of getting them.
Jordan: (angrily) I got news for you. You're not ****ing taking my children [Naomi: Yes, I am, Jordan.] you vicious ****ing ****, you!!
[Naomi slaps Jordan and he hits her]
Jordan: **** you! You ****ing BITCH! You're not ****ing taking my goddamn ****ing kids! You hear me? **** YOU! YOU'RE NOT ****ING TAKING MY ****ING KIDS! ****ing whore.
[Naomi finds Jordan snorting cocaine]
Naomi: Look at yourself, Jordan. Sick! You're a sick man!
Jordan: [shouts] **** you! I told you you're not taking my ****ing kids! You ****ing...
Naomi: You think I would let my kids near you?! Look at yourself! You know what my lawyer said? My lawyer said that you're going to prison for 20 years, Jordan. Twenty ****ing years! You're never gonna see the kids again!
Jordan: You don't think I'm gonna see my kids?!
Naomi: No! I'm not ****ing letting you near my kids!
Jordan: YOU DON'T THINK I'M GONNA SEE MY ****ING KIDS AGAIN, HUH?!
[Jordan walks to his daughter's bedroom.]
Naomi: [trying to stop Jordan] Don't you ****ing touch her!
[Jordan punches Naomi in the stomach]
Jordan: Don't you ****ing touch me!

View Quote [Jordan throws open a door to the bridge as the yacht is rolling heavily in a storm.]
Jordan: WHAT THE **** IS GOING ON OUT HERE?!
Beecham: THE JET SKIS JUST WENT OVERBOARD!
Jordan: Jesus ****in' Christ! [Stumbles over to Naomi] Honey, you okay?
Beecham: The waves are twenty feet high and building!
Jordan: Turn around! Just go the other ****in' way!
Beecham: Can't! We'll get broadsided and tip over!
Jordan: I am a master diver, you hear that?! I am a master diver! No one's gonna ****ing die! I got you. Just trust me, okay? I love you. Just hold on tight. Donnie. Hold on, baby. Donnie. Donnie!
Donnie: What?
Jordan: Hold on, baby. [To Donnie] Get the ludes.
Donnie: I don't wanna die, Jordan! I've done a lot of bad shit, I'm going to hell, Jordan! ****ed up! I ****ed up so bad!
Jordan: Get the ludes downstairs.
Donnie: What you say?!
Jordan: [Leaves Naomi, stumbles over to Donnie and grabs him.] Get the ludes!
Donnie: I can't go down there! It's flooded, it's three feet of water down there!
Jordan: I WILL NOT DIE SOBER! GET THOSE ****IN' LUDES!
Donnie: Okay!
Jordan: GO!
Donnie: Okay!

View Quote [peeing on his subpoena] **** you, U.S.A. **** you, U.S.A. **** you! **** you!

View Quote [Seeing the results of Black Monday ] HOLY...****ING...SHIT.

View Quote An IPO is an initial public offering. It's a first time a stock is offered for sale to the general population. Now as the firm taking the company public, we set the initial sales price, then sold those shares right back to our friends. The i- Look, I-I know you're not following what I'm saying anyway, right? That's-that's okay. That doesn't matter. The real question is this: was all this legal? Absolutely ****ing not. But we were making more money than we knew what do with.

View Quote I clean up my act, I did rehab, I'm a TV personality, I'm sober for two years, and THIS happens. Rugrat goes and gets busted down in Miami, and guess who the **** with? Saurel. I mean, what are the ****ing odds? There had to be 10,000 Swiss bankers in Geneva, and Rugrat gets the one dumb enough to get himself arrested on U.S. soil. Even more ****ed, was that he got busted for shit that had nothing to do with me. It had nothing to ****ing do with me! Something about laundering drug money through off-shore boat racing and a guy named Rocky Aoki. You know, the founder of Benihana. Benihana? Beni-****ing-hana? BENI-****ING-HANA?! WHY?! WHY, WHY, GOD?! Why would You be so cruel as to choose a chain of ****ing hibachi restaurants to take me down?!