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[Cal and Andy are looking at the behind of a girl who works in a bookstore]
Andy: There's something wrong with her underwear.
Cal: Yea, they are not in my mouth.
Andy: There's something wrong with her underwear.
Cal: Yea, they are not in my mouth.
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[Cal angrily flicks David in the nuts after refusing to talk to Bernadette]
David: Did you just flick me in the nuts?
Cal: No, I flicked you in the fleshy patch where you're nuts used to be.
[Flicks him again]
David: Ow! Quit flickin' my balls man!
Cal: Okay, I'll stop flickin' your balls. But I'll start punching your nuts!
[Cal slaps him in the face]
David: Oh!
[punches David in the shoulder]
David: Okay.
[tugs on David's ear]
David: Well played, sir.
David: Did you just flick me in the nuts?
Cal: No, I flicked you in the fleshy patch where you're nuts used to be.
[Flicks him again]
David: Ow! Quit flickin' my balls man!
Cal: Okay, I'll stop flickin' your balls. But I'll start punching your nuts!
[Cal slaps him in the face]
David: Oh!
[punches David in the shoulder]
David: Okay.
[tugs on David's ear]
David: Well played, sir.
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[David and Cal are playing "Mortal Kombat: Deception." Dave is Baraka, while Cal is Sub-Zero]
Cal: You're gay now?
David: No, I'm not gay, I'm just celibate.
Cal: That sounds gay. I mean, I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that lead to you being gay. Like there's this, and then in a year it's like "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm, I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: [Laughing] Oh, I'm gay for saying that.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.
[Cal loses first match; screen cuts to video game footage of Baraka tearing Sub-Zero in half]
Cal: Aw, shit. Ow. Dude, at least leave my torso alone.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?
[David loses second match and smokes a bowl; screen cuts to video game footage of Sub-Zero's fatality]
David: God damn it!
Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and now I'm throwing it at your body. (shouts) **** you!
David: Arr.
Cal: You're gay now?
David: No, I'm not gay, I'm just celibate.
Cal: That sounds gay. I mean, I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that lead to you being gay. Like there's this, and then in a year it's like "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm, I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: [Laughing] Oh, I'm gay for saying that.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know you're gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.
[Cal loses first match; screen cuts to video game footage of Baraka tearing Sub-Zero in half]
Cal: Aw, shit. Ow. Dude, at least leave my torso alone.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
David: How?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sour dough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?
[David loses second match and smokes a bowl; screen cuts to video game footage of Sub-Zero's fatality]
David: God damn it!
Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and now I'm throwing it at your body. (shouts) **** you!
David: Arr.
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[Mooj has found out Andy is a virgin; extended DVD version]
Mooj: Andy, don't let them bother you. It's ok not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You are, ah, what are you, 25?
Andy: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit man! You gotta get on that. Life isn't about sex. Life is about children, and passion, and spirit!
Andy: Yeah, life's about passion.
Mooj: It's not about ****ing and balls and pussy. It's about love.
Andy: {sighs}
Mooj: It's about people. It's about connection.
Andy: (nodding) It's all about connections.
Mooj: It's not about tossing salad. It's not about **** and ass and tits.
Andy: (uncomfortable) Hm-hmm.
Mooj: And butt hole pleasures.
Andy: It's not about butt hole pleasures at all.
Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl and pearl necklace, or pussy juice ****tails, and the jagged-head dildos, and the double-decker pussies.
Andy: (scared) OK. I, y'know, double pussies and--
Mooj: Shit stained balls, and **** swapping, and the hanging brain, it's not about the rattlesnake wiggle, and the alligator **** house, donkey-punching, the tea-bagging--
Andy: Mooj, just please stop.
Mooj: Andy, don't let them bother you. It's ok not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You are, ah, what are you, 25?
Andy: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit man! You gotta get on that. Life isn't about sex. Life is about children, and passion, and spirit!
Andy: Yeah, life's about passion.
Mooj: It's not about ****ing and balls and pussy. It's about love.
Andy: {sighs}
Mooj: It's about people. It's about connection.
Andy: (nodding) It's all about connections.
Mooj: It's not about tossing salad. It's not about **** and ass and tits.
Andy: (uncomfortable) Hm-hmm.
Mooj: And butt hole pleasures.
Andy: It's not about butt hole pleasures at all.
Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombone, and dirty sanchez. It's not about rainbow showers and camel-toe slide, and your Cincinnati bowtie, your Arabian goggles or the hot carl and pearl necklace, or pussy juice ****tails, and the jagged-head dildos, and the double-decker pussies.
Andy: (scared) OK. I, y'know, double pussies and--
Mooj: Shit stained balls, and **** swapping, and the hanging brain, it's not about the rattlesnake wiggle, and the alligator **** house, donkey-punching, the tea-bagging--
Andy: Mooj, just please stop.
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[the night after Jay gets Andy a hooker who turns out to be a transvestite]
Jay: Wait, how do you know she was a transvestite?
Andy: Because her hands were as big as Andre The Giant's. And her Adam's apple was as big as her balls.
Jay: So you have no proof.
Jay: Wait, how do you know she was a transvestite?
Andy: Because her hands were as big as Andre The Giant's. And her Adam's apple was as big as her balls.
Jay: So you have no proof.
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All you gotta do is to use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows how to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's code written in their DNA, says "Tackle the gazelle." Believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says "Tackle drunk bitches."
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Baby, I'm Dr. Montalbaun.
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Because I observe things, because I am a novelist.
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Do you know how I know you're gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.
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Dude, it's not big deal if you like to **** guys. I'm cool, I got friends who **** guys...in jail.
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Everybody's dick look big on 60-inch TV. My sister's dick look big on TV.
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From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy.
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Go **** a goat.
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He's a really nice guy and all but I'm pretty sure that he is a serial murderer.
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Hey, Andy! We're gonna have to get you some poonanny!