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[reading his novel aloud while typing it] "But dad..I don't know how to love..you never taught..taaaught me how.."
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[refering about Andy's partial body wax] You look like a man-o-lantern.
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[referring to letting Andy hang out with them] I don't wanna end up a lampshade in some creepy apartment...
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[The day after the poker game when Andy walks into the store. The wall of TVs shows a video of women in bathing suits washing cars] Andy is goin' down, partner! We're gonna be [starts humping air] This is for you partner, this is for you! [referring to the women on the screen] Waves of them are gonna be comin' at you on Friday, Saturday. By Sunday yo nuts gonna be drained!
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[To Amy at Date-A-Palooza] I wanna take you under the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.
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[To Amy] You need to stop ****in' around with my friend because your giving him hope and it's driving the man crazy!
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[To Andy before he hits on Beth] There are three rules when it comes talking to women. Number 1 ask questions, don't say anything, because women, all they wanna do is talk about themselves so you're just gonna let them do that. 2 be cool and 3 be kind of a dick. Look be like David Caruso in "Jade".
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[Trying to get Andy to keep the porn] Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy! For the last time, I don't want to watch "School of ****" with you!
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[Watching Dawn of the Dead] Whoa! **** that **** up! Bitch, get out of room! Bitch, get out the room!
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[Watching The Bourne Identity] You know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but I think he's rockin' the shit in this one!
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[When he gets in the fight with Trish] Okay, first of all I'm not in the stockroom anymore, I'm a floor manager.
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[While Jay is arguing with a Black customer] Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, with chance of drive-by.
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[After being accused by Jay's girlfriend about writing rude comments on his speed dating card] Look, who the **** are you to put me on trial, I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, and stop with the inquisition? Ya know what, I don't have to answer to you you ain't my bitch. Know what I sayin'? So shit, man, **** it. You should keep your ho on a leash. Hey, bitches be runnin' wild, man.