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[after Andy gets promoted to Floor Manager] This is the bullshit of all bullshits! You s****bag! Ass kisser!
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[after Andy tells him he's going to tell Trish he's a virgin] You should totally tell her, man...'Cause I watched this movie called Liar, Liar and the message was "Don't lie."...and that was a smart movie.
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[After crashing through a billboard on his bike] There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally.
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[after discovering Andy's dating a grandmother] Hey, **** her on her plastic-covered couch...**** her while she's watching "Murder She Wrote". She would probably find that very erotic...**** her and have her send you a check for twelve dollars on your birthday.
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[Andy painting his action figure] And now I am going to make your silver pants blue.
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[Andy says he isn't much of a "ho-runner"] My uncle used to drive a hoe runner.
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[Andy shirtless on body wax table] I like your sweater. Does it come in a V-neck?
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[Arguing with Mooj] Why are you always telling me to go **** a goat, man?
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[Being bitter about Amy] If she wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's love.
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[Bitter about his ex, video taping his butt] You miss that ass? That's the ass of a free man. That ass is going to a club, maybe a night club.
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[David and Andy are talking about relationships] Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...and it's pain and it's...you know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight and then you call them a bunch of times and you try and email and then they move or they change their email...but that's just love.
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[Digging through the box of porn] And this is...this is "Everybody Loves Raymond"...This probably shouldn't be in here...This is just a good show , I just tape this sometimes.
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[drinking punch from glass shaped like Buddha] Buddha punch. I need some Buddha.
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[drunk] I need some poooon!
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[high pitched voice] Me so horny. Me love you long time.