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[after Wade's diagnosis] I just realized something: You win. Your life is officially way more ****ed up than mine.
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[before a montage where he asks Ajax's henchpeople where he is, and kills them when they don't answer] This shit's gonna have nuts in it!
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[before the final battle with Ajax] Time to make the chimi-****in'-changas!
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[From trailer] I've played a lot of roles. "Damsel-in-distress" ain't one of them!
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[in a post-credits scene] You're still here? It's over. Go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What were you expecting? Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go. Go. [He walks away. Credits resume. Cut back to Deadpool] Oh. But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret: For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley; she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret. Shh. Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. [walks away, pops his head back in] Chicka chi-kaah! [End of film]
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[in the middle of a fight] Ssssshit. Did I leave the stove on?
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[losing bullets] 10! Shit! 9! ****! 8! Shit-****!
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[puts a red-hot car cigarette lighter onto henchman's forehead, then shoves it into the henchman's mouth] I've never said this, but don't swallow.
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[repeated line] What's my name?
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[seeing Deadpool's scarred face for the first time] After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face…I'd be happy to sit on.
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[Sees Angel Dust preparing to jump down] Superhero landing! She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! [Angel Dust jumps down and lands in a crouch on one knee with a fist on the ground, Iron Man-style] [Claps] Wooo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.
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[to a henchwoman] This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real [****s his pistol] blurry!
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[To Ajax and Angel Dust, when they leave his bar] You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? Enjoy your midnight showing of Blade II.
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[To Blind Al, after Deadpool leaves, saying he hid a stash of cocaine] Wanna get ****ed up?
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[to Colossus] Listen! The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking mother****er, on THAT DAY... I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!