Diary of a Wimpy Kid quotes

View Quote Angie Steadman: It all starts in middle school, y'know. You're not a kid anymore, the coddling's stopped. Kids aren't separated by intelligence. The weak are picked on. The girls you've known since kindergarten won't even talk to you anymore.
Greg: Okay, well it sounds like you've got it all figured out, so go back to your book.

View Quote Angie: Y'know, I like your point of view. You should sign up for the school paper. We are the voice of the people. Well, the people are mostly idiots so I guess technically speaking we're the voice of the people making fun of the people.

View Quote Chirag Gupta: STOP! Good God, man! You almost got the Cheese Touch!
Greg: The what?
Chirag: The Cheese Touch.

View Quote Greg Heffley: OK, first of all, let me get something straight, this is a journal, not a diary. Yeah, I know what it says on the cover, but when my mom went out to buy this thing, I specifically told her not to buy the thing that says "diary" on it. This just proves that Mom doesn't understand anything about kids my age.
Bully: Sissy! [punches Greg]
Greg: The only reason why I agreed to write in this thing, is because one day, when I'm rich and famous, I'll have better things to do than answer people's stupid questions all day long.
Reporter #1: Gregory! Tell us about your childhood!
Reporter #2: Were you always so smart and handsome?
Greg: Here's my journal. Now shoo, shoo.
Susan Heffley: That's our boy up there.
Frank Heffley: Why did I ever say no to him?

View Quote Greg: Fun?! That's the exact opposite of fun! This entire year has been terrible and nobody even cares! My family, my best friend. Well, I'm sick of it. Somebody needs to pay!

View Quote Greg: Rowley, if you had to say what you were ranked in terms of popularity from 1 to 200, where would you put yourself?
Rowley Jefferson: Is 200 good or bad?
Greg: I'd say you're somewhere around the 154 mark. I'd put myself around number 19 or 20. I might even have a shot at the top spot by the end of the year. If things will go the way I think they will.
Rowley: Well, who's at the bottom?
Fregley: Hey, guys! You wanna see my secret freckle? [lifts up his shirt]
Greg & Rowley: EEEWWW!
Greg: [narrating] Fregley, sent home for hygiene issues at least once a month.
Fregley: Check it out. It's got a hair in it!

View Quote Greg: We got to stay in this neighborhood the rest of the night.
Rowley: That guy gave two full-size Snickers!
Greg: Did I tell you or did I tell you? These people have money to burn. Can't believe we got this much candy. This is like the best day ever.
Teenager: Hey, reflector dude, nice costume!
Rowley: Thanks! My mom made it...
[Suddenly, the teenager in the back of the truck sprays a fire extinguister in Greg and Rowley's face]
Greg: I saw your plates! We're calling the cops! [Teenagers' truck stops and starts to back up] Uh-oh.
Rowley: Oh, boy.
Greg: RUN!

View Quote Rowley: Remember that secret language we made up last week?
[Flashback]
Greg: [to Rowley, through walkie-talkie] Your-pa dad-pa smells-pa like-pa a woman-pa. [Greg and Rowley laugh, as Rowley's dad glares at them appalled]
[Present]
Rowley: I think he cracked our code.

View Quote [Heffley garage, Rodrick and his bandmates are performing]
Susan: [walks in] Rodrick. Rodrick! I need to talk to you. Inside, now.
[Greg peeks from behind the door as he watches]
Rodrick: Go ahead and talk. We're a band. We have no secrets.
Susan: Oh, okay. Fine. [holds up the magazine] What is this?
Rodrick: It's not mine.
Susan: It was in your backpack.
Rodrick: No, it was in my room.
Susan: [gives Rodrick a "Really?" look] Does owning this magazine make you a better person?
Rodrick: No.
Susan: Did it make you more popular at school?
Rodrick: [snickers] Yes. No.
Susan: How do you feel about having owned this type of magazine?
Rodrick: Ashamed.
Susan: Do you have anything you wanna say to women for having owned this offensive magazine?
Rodrick: I'm sorry, women.
[Rodrick's bandmates clap in applause]
Susan: You're grounded...for two weeks.
[Greg smiles and leaves to his room]
Rodrick: Okay, settle down, Susan. I think one week is plenty.
Susan: Make it four weeks, and I'm gonna need the keys to your van.
Rodrick: [shocked through gritted teeth] My van?!

View Quote [after getting teased by Quentin] Right now, I have to take abuse from these morons. But in twenty years, Quentin here will be workin' for me.

View Quote [grunts] Come on! What are you waiting for, huh? Don't be such a wuss, Heffley. Make your move!

View Quote [in robotic voice] My name is Bell E. Button. What's yours?

View Quote [repeated line] Zoo-wee-mama!

View Quote [Sees Greg trying to touch the Cheese] STOP! Good God, man! You almost got the Cheese Touch.

View Quote [to Rowley] Beat it.