Dogma quotes

View Quote Cardinal Glick: Christ didn't come to earth to give us the willies! He came to help us out. He was a booster.

View Quote Cardinal Glick: People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey.

View Quote Gang leader: I knew I's gonna whack somebody today! Represent!

View Quote Grant Hicks: [on TV news] With a papal sanction, the archway entrance of the century-old Jersey shore house of worship will serve as a passageway of plenary indulgence — a little-known Catholic belief which offers all that passes through its arches a morally clean slate.

View Quote Gun store guy: We call this piece the 'Fecalator'. One look at it and the target shits him- or herself. Try it on.

View Quote Liz: [distracting anti-abortion protestors] Holy shit, it's the Pope!

View Quote PA Announcer: [at St. Michael's hospital] I repeat: this is not a drill. This is the Apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.

View Quote Silent Bob: [after throwing Bartleby and Loki off a train; a la Indiana Jones] No ticket.

View Quote Ticket agent: [at bus station] I suggest you not underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State, and show up two hours in advance.

View Quote Bartleby: We're going home. (holds out a newspaper article) Somebody sent us this in the mail. (he pauses; Loki just gawks at him) Take it, man. And quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you or something.
Loki: You did just say we're going home, right?
Bartleby: Read.
Loki: "Cardinal Glick cuts ribbon on Catholicism, Wow! campaign." And?
Bartleby: You have to keep reading.

View Quote Bartleby: Well, look at this pimp. How'd you get outta Hell?
Azrael: I told them I was coming up on a routine possession. Look, I don't have long; if they figure out my ruse, they'll come looking for me.
Loki: Hey, what's with bringing us in here?
Azrael: You two ****s are inches away from getting caught! Going around killing people, about to un-case your wings? Don't you have any idea what's going on?
Bartleby: Well, we're going home.
Azrael: Oh, really? Are you so clueless as to think that you can just waltz back into Heaven?
Bartleby: Why not?
Azrael: Everybody is looking for you. Both sides, above and below. Orders are to terminate you on sight.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: Why?
Azrael: Because you're pissing people off, that's why! Word on the grapevine is that God's pissed off at your presumption, and I know Lucifer's pissed because you assholes might make him look bad by succeeding where he's failed so many times.
Bartleby: So they're just gonna kill us?
Azrael: They're gonna try! That's why you have to travel incognito. Tone down your behavior, stay off their respective radars. [to Loki] Quit killing people. That's high-profile.
Loki: Oh, lighten up!
Bartleby: I still can't believe they wanna kill us.
Azrael: Oh, believe it, boys. They've even got the last scion looking for you.
Loki: Really?
Bartleby: You're kidding me.
Azrael: This is huge, man. Your re-entry is a thorn in a lot of sides. And they'll stop at nothing—-I mean nothing--to prevent it. In the meantime, I suggest that you find an alternate mode of transportation. If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.
Bartleby: [shaking Azrael's hand] Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.
Azrael: Look, I've gotta get back to the pit before they get suspicious. Remember, incognito.

View Quote Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.
[sees the female board member] Bartleby: You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you! [Thumbs-up] But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
[whispers something in Whitland's ear] Loki: You're his father, you sick ****!
[Whitland starts crying]

View Quote Bartleby: [as he stabs Loki] I'm sorry my friend, but you lost the faith.

View Quote Bethany: Hey — what's He like?
Metatron: God? ...Lonely, but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex, for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in Heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.

View Quote Bethany: How did you know where to find us?
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? Watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.