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Dwayne: I don't understand what there is to think about.
Rachel Jansen: Because, D, he...
Dwayne: She licked the tip. That doesn't count.
Rachel Jansen: Of course it counts! He...
Dwayne: He what? He refused a blowjob from his ex-girlfriend mid-blowjob! Do you know what that's like for a man?! It's called blue balls, Rachel. This guy is like Gandhi, but better. He likes puppets! I love puppets.
Rachel Jansen: Because, D, he...
Dwayne: She licked the tip. That doesn't count.
Rachel Jansen: Of course it counts! He...
Dwayne: He what? He refused a blowjob from his ex-girlfriend mid-blowjob! Do you know what that's like for a man?! It's called blue balls, Rachel. This guy is like Gandhi, but better. He likes puppets! I love puppets.
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Kunu: It looks like you got a little pain behind those eyes.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, maybe a little.
Kunu: There's really only one cure for that.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, what's that?
Kunu: Weed. You got any?
Peter Bretter: No.
Kunu: Oh. Well then let's go surfin'!
Peter Bretter: Yeah, maybe a little.
Kunu: There's really only one cure for that.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, what's that?
Kunu: Weed. You got any?
Peter Bretter: No.
Kunu: Oh. Well then let's go surfin'!
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Matthew Van Der Wyk: [into the phone, deadpan] Well, I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my ****ing job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work. So, I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done. [notices Peter approaching] Hold on, I gotta call you back. Mahalo, all right! Hey, how's it going?
Peter Bretter: Hey. Uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?
Peter Bretter: No.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Or, your girlfriend?
Peter Bretter: No. I don't, uh, I don't have a girlfriend.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: You're just... by yourself?
Peter Bretter: Yeah.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. [leads him to his table] Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.
Peter Bretter: I'll be all right, thank you.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I just would be so depressed.
Peter Bretter: Hey. Uh, I'd just like to grab some dinner, please.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Okay, great. Is your wife gonna meet you?
Peter Bretter: No.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Or, your girlfriend?
Peter Bretter: No. I don't, uh, I don't have a girlfriend.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: You're just... by yourself?
Peter Bretter: Yeah.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: Man, that sucks. Okay, so just one! Here's your wine list and your menu. Come on. [leads him to his table] Do you want. like, a magazine or something? It's gonna be boring if you're just sitting all by yourself.
Peter Bretter: I'll be all right, thank you.
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I just would be so depressed.
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Peter Bretter: [answering the phone after he has been sobbing on his balcony] Hello?
Rachel Jansen: Peter?
Peter Bretter: Sarah?
Rachel Jansen: No, it's Rachel Jansen, from the front desk.
Peter Bretter: [making an effort to control his voice] Hey.
Rachel Jansen: Hey, what's going on up there? I'm getting complaints about a woman, crying hysterically?
Peter Bretter: Yeah, you know what, and I hear her too, and it sounds like she's having such a hard time. [his voice begins to break again] I think it's coming from the floor above me.
Rachel Jansen: You're on the top floor.
Peter Bretter: [pause] I'll try and keep it down.
Rachel Jansen: Are you okay?
Peter Bretter: Yeah, you have a nice night.
Rachel Jansen: Okay. [she hangs up. Cut to Peter curled up on his floor, sobbing just as loudly.]
Rachel Jansen: Peter?
Peter Bretter: Sarah?
Rachel Jansen: No, it's Rachel Jansen, from the front desk.
Peter Bretter: [making an effort to control his voice] Hey.
Rachel Jansen: Hey, what's going on up there? I'm getting complaints about a woman, crying hysterically?
Peter Bretter: Yeah, you know what, and I hear her too, and it sounds like she's having such a hard time. [his voice begins to break again] I think it's coming from the floor above me.
Rachel Jansen: You're on the top floor.
Peter Bretter: [pause] I'll try and keep it down.
Rachel Jansen: Are you okay?
Peter Bretter: Yeah, you have a nice night.
Rachel Jansen: Okay. [she hangs up. Cut to Peter curled up on his floor, sobbing just as loudly.]
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Peter Bretter: [Rachel has just walked in on him naked in his changing room; he covers himself with his free hand] I was just calling you. [holds up his phone; after a moment, Rachel bursts out laughing] Um... wow.
Rachel Jansen: Oh, Peter! [keeps laughing; Peter grins sheepishly]) I'm sorry. [she keeps laughing]
Peter Bretter: Stop laughing. Can, can you please stop laughing?
Rachel Jansen: I missed you. [walks towards him]
Peter Bretter: Um, I just wanted to tell you, I've been thinking a lot about... [Rachel cuts him off with a passionate kiss]
Rachel Jansen: Oh, Peter! [keeps laughing; Peter grins sheepishly]) I'm sorry. [she keeps laughing]
Peter Bretter: Stop laughing. Can, can you please stop laughing?
Rachel Jansen: I missed you. [walks towards him]
Peter Bretter: Um, I just wanted to tell you, I've been thinking a lot about... [Rachel cuts him off with a passionate kiss]
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Peter Bretter: Wow! You came... I- I can't believe that you came.
Rachel Jansen: Peter, this is... this is great. It was really funny, yeah.
Peter Bretter: Thank you. You know what? I didn't realize that it was a comedy and then, someone told me that, and it just, like opened the whole thing up! [they laugh, then there is an awkward pause] How long are you in town for?
Rachel Jansen: Open-ended.
Peter Bretter: Oh! Wow. Bold.
Rachel Jansen: [smiles] Yeah, you know... I'm kinda checking out some schools.
Peter Bretter: [smiles] Congratulations.
Rachel Jansen: Yeah, maybe. [pause You never called.
Peter Bretter: You told me not to... and I listened. [pause] Wasn't easy...I might have called once and hung up, from a private number. [he and Rachel laugh]
Rachel Jansen: Peter, this is... this is great. It was really funny, yeah.
Peter Bretter: Thank you. You know what? I didn't realize that it was a comedy and then, someone told me that, and it just, like opened the whole thing up! [they laugh, then there is an awkward pause] How long are you in town for?
Rachel Jansen: Open-ended.
Peter Bretter: Oh! Wow. Bold.
Rachel Jansen: [smiles] Yeah, you know... I'm kinda checking out some schools.
Peter Bretter: [smiles] Congratulations.
Rachel Jansen: Yeah, maybe. [pause You never called.
Peter Bretter: You told me not to... and I listened. [pause] Wasn't easy...I might have called once and hung up, from a private number. [he and Rachel laugh]
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Rachel Jansen: Listen to me, Peter. I was a mess, too. I understand that, okay? But it does not excuse you acting like a complete asshole!
Peter Bretter: Rachel, look, I know that I ****ed things up for a minute, but I am not like every other asshole!
Rachel Jansen: You should not be with anybody, right now. Anybody.
Peter Bretter: I know... I know that there is something here. I know I wasn't wrong about that. And yes, it's only been four days, but I know you feel it, too.
Rachel Jansen: [quietly] I need you to leave. Do not write me, do not call me, do not email me. Peter, I need you to go.
Peter Bretter: [pause, nods] I won't bother you anymore...I'm sorry.
Peter Bretter: Rachel, look, I know that I ****ed things up for a minute, but I am not like every other asshole!
Rachel Jansen: You should not be with anybody, right now. Anybody.
Peter Bretter: I know... I know that there is something here. I know I wasn't wrong about that. And yes, it's only been four days, but I know you feel it, too.
Rachel Jansen: [quietly] I need you to leave. Do not write me, do not call me, do not email me. Peter, I need you to go.
Peter Bretter: [pause, nods] I won't bother you anymore...I'm sorry.
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Rachel Jansen: Welcome to Turtle Bay. What can I do for you?
Peter Bretter: I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances. [smiles weakly]
Rachel Jansen: Oh! Wow. Bold! [she looks through the registrar] We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.
Peter Bretter: Um, okay. How much is that?
Rachel Jansen: $6,000 a night.
Peter Bretter: Wow.
Rachel Jansen: Beautiful views.
Peter Bretter: I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. [he looks around] That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ([he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by] hotel.
Rachel Jansen: Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. [laughs] People are excited that she's here.
Peter Bretter: She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.
Rachel Jansen: Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
Peter Bretter: Okay, like, this is fine, right?
Rachel Jansen: Sir?
Peter Bretter: It's totally fine. [looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby] Okay, there she is. Did she see me?
Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh.
Peter Bretter: Is she coming over here?
Rachel Jansen: Yup.
Peter Bretter: I wish I wasn't wearing this ****ing shirt.
Rachel Jansen: Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? [Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval] Button it back up.
Sarah Marshall: Peter?
Peter Bretter: Hey. Hi.
Sarah Marshall: What are you doing here?
Peter Bretter: I came here to murder you. [chuckles hysterically]
Sarah: Really, what are you doing here?
Peter Brenner: I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...
Aldous Snow: [enters the lobby] Hey there, little sex object! [slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard] I've lost a shoe [holds up a black flip-flop] Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? [to Rachel] I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.
Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh?
Aldous Snow: Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...
Sarah Marshall: Aldous, this is Peter.
Aldous Snow: Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. [shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him] Aldous. Good to meet you, man.
Sarah Marshall: My ex-boyfriend.
Aldous Snow: Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.
Peter Bretter: I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?
Peter Bretter: I'm not, as a matter...
Rachel Jansen: I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. [to Peter] But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.
Peter Bretter: You were?
Rachel Jansen: [smiles and nods] Yes, sir.
Peter Bretter: Marvelous!
Aldous Snow: Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...
Sarah Marshall: Aldous!
Peter Bretter: No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.
Aldous Snow: Alright, Peter.
Sarah Marshall: Have a good trip, Pete.
Aldous Snow: I like your shirt. It's colorful. [he and Sarah walk away] Bye, ta-ta! [to Sarah] I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?
Peter Bretter: Bye, now. [to Rachel] Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.
Rachel Jansen: Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. [hands him a key] Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!
Peter Bretter: Why are you doing this for me?
Rachel Jansen: She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, right?! Thank you.
Rachel Jansen: Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!
Peter Bretter: [tries to read her nametag] Rachel...
Rachel Jansen: Jansen.
Peter Bretter: Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...
Rachel Jansen: Go. Go enjoy yourself!
Peter Bretter: I'm checking in. My name's Bretter. Peter Bretter. But actually, I don't have a reservation. Just thought I'd... take my chances. [smiles weakly]
Rachel Jansen: Oh! Wow. Bold! [she looks through the registrar] We are all booked up, but we do have the Kapua Suite available.
Peter Bretter: Um, okay. How much is that?
Rachel Jansen: $6,000 a night.
Peter Bretter: Wow.
Rachel Jansen: Beautiful views.
Peter Bretter: I can imagine... that's a little bit out of my price range. Sorry. [he looks around] That's a shame. This is such a beautiful... ([he jumps as he looks out the window and sees Sarah walking by] hotel.
Rachel Jansen: Oh, yeah, it's Sarah Marshall from Crime Scene. [laughs] People are excited that she's here.
Peter Bretter: She's my ex-girlfriend. We broke up three weeks ago.
Rachel Jansen: Oh. I'm sorry, sir.
Peter Bretter: Okay, like, this is fine, right?
Rachel Jansen: Sir?
Peter Bretter: It's totally fine. [looks over his shoulder and sees Sarah entering the lobby] Okay, there she is. Did she see me?
Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh.
Peter Bretter: Is she coming over here?
Rachel Jansen: Yup.
Peter Bretter: I wish I wasn't wearing this ****ing shirt.
Rachel Jansen: Fair enough. Why don't you try unbuttoning it? [Peter opens the top two buttons of the shirt and looks at her for approval] Button it back up.
Sarah Marshall: Peter?
Peter Bretter: Hey. Hi.
Sarah Marshall: What are you doing here?
Peter Bretter: I came here to murder you. [chuckles hysterically]
Sarah: Really, what are you doing here?
Peter Brenner: I have been having a tough time, you know, back in L.A. Uh, but then, I came here, and here you are. I just think that's too crazy to...
Aldous Snow: [enters the lobby] Hey there, little sex object! [slaps Sarah's rear and kisses her forehead, catching her off-guard] I've lost a shoe [holds up a black flip-flop] Have you seen it anywhere? It's like this one, but obviously it's, um opposite of um, excuse me, Misses? [to Rachel] I've lost a shoe. It's like this one. It's like, this one's fellow. Sort of like the exact opposite of this one, in fact.
Rachel Jansen: Uh-huh?
Aldous Snow: Not like, an evil version, but just, you know, a shoe, like this, but for the other foot, otherwise I'd have to...
Sarah Marshall: Aldous, this is Peter.
Aldous Snow: Hey! Alright, Peter! Nice to meet you, mate. [shakes hands with Peter and shoulder-bumps him] Aldous. Good to meet you, man.
Sarah Marshall: My ex-boyfriend.
Aldous Snow: Oh, right! Hey, I'm Aldous Snow.
Peter Bretter: I know who you are. Yeah, you're very, very famous.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, I am, I am... for my sins. So, are you, um, staying here as well?
Peter Bretter: I'm not, as a matter...
Rachel Jansen: I'm sorry. Excuse me, Mr. Bretter, Ms. Marshall. [to Peter] But, we were, um, able to book the Kapua suite for you, sir, for four nights.
Peter Bretter: You were?
Rachel Jansen: [smiles and nods] Yes, sir.
Peter Bretter: Marvelous!
Aldous Snow: Perfect! Perfect amount of time. Listen, if you want to have dinner with us one of those nights, you're very...
Sarah Marshall: Aldous!
Peter Bretter: No. No, that's very gentlemanly of you, but, uh, you two enjoy your trip, and, uh, I'll be just fine on my own in my Kapua Suite.
Aldous Snow: Alright, Peter.
Sarah Marshall: Have a good trip, Pete.
Aldous Snow: I like your shirt. It's colorful. [he and Sarah walk away] Bye, ta-ta! [to Sarah] I was wearing two shoes this morning, wasn't I?
Peter Bretter: Bye, now. [to Rachel] Thank you. Thank you for bailing me out like that, but I still can't afford that room.
Rachel Jansen: Nobody can. It's for, like, Oprah, or like, Celine Dion. Really, it's not a big deal. So, you can stay in the suite, but since you're not technically a guest, you have to clean up after yourself. [hands him a key] Otherwise, here is your room key, and enjoy your stay!
Peter Bretter: Why are you doing this for me?
Rachel Jansen: She's here with some guy already? Kind of messed up.
Peter Bretter: Yeah, right?! Thank you.
Rachel Jansen: Really, it's not a big deal. Go, go enjoy yourself!
Peter Bretter: [tries to read her nametag] Rachel...
Rachel Jansen: Jansen.
Peter Bretter: Jansen. I mean, a thousand times, thank you! You know what I mean? I...
Rachel Jansen: Go. Go enjoy yourself!
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Rachel Jansen: Where's your wife, sir?
Darald Braden: She is in bed.
Peter Brenner: How are things going with the lady?
Darald Braden: Not awesome. She's complicated- like The Da Vinci Code, you know, but- harder to... crack. But life is full of lessons, you learn something new every day, so... [pause] wonder what I'm going to learn... tomorrow? Well! Good night!
Rachel Jansen: Good night, sir.
Peter Bretter: Night, sir.
Darald Braden: Off to find the mythical clitoris!
Rachel Jansen: So! [Peter snickers into his drink] Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room? 'Cause, I could send someone up, if you want.
Peter Bretter: Oh, you could?
Rachel Jansen: Yeah.
Peter Bretter: That's very funny. It is.
Rachel Jansen: Well, listen. The Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?
Peter Bretter: I do the music for that program. [awkward pause]
Rachel Jansen: Well, did I mention that the music rocks?
Peter Bretter: [chuckles] That's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you to say. You don't have to say that, though. It's not music. There's no melody, it's just tones. Just dark, ominous tones. [mimics a line from the show] "The Masturbating Dog-Killer is on the loose again! He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy!" [imitates one of his 'tones' and he and Rachel both laugh]
Darald Braden: She is in bed.
Peter Brenner: How are things going with the lady?
Darald Braden: Not awesome. She's complicated- like The Da Vinci Code, you know, but- harder to... crack. But life is full of lessons, you learn something new every day, so... [pause] wonder what I'm going to learn... tomorrow? Well! Good night!
Rachel Jansen: Good night, sir.
Peter Bretter: Night, sir.
Darald Braden: Off to find the mythical clitoris!
Rachel Jansen: So! [Peter snickers into his drink] Peter, were you able to get that crying lady out of your room? 'Cause, I could send someone up, if you want.
Peter Bretter: Oh, you could?
Rachel Jansen: Yeah.
Peter Bretter: That's very funny. It is.
Rachel Jansen: Well, listen. The Sarah Marshall Show sucks. Who cares?
Peter Bretter: I do the music for that program. [awkward pause]
Rachel Jansen: Well, did I mention that the music rocks?
Peter Bretter: [chuckles] That's very sweet of you. That's very sweet of you to say. You don't have to say that, though. It's not music. There's no melody, it's just tones. Just dark, ominous tones. [mimics a line from the show] "The Masturbating Dog-Killer is on the loose again! He'll kill the owner, but at least the dogs are happy!" [imitates one of his 'tones' and he and Rachel both laugh]
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Rachel Jansen: Wow, we’re really going up to the edge of this, huh?
Peter Bretter: Look.
Rachel Jansen: Wow, this is really beautiful. All right, so now that your show’s done, are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?
Peter Bretter: It’s not that was, you know. Sarah always thought it was crazy and...
Rachel Jansen: Well, you're definitely crazy. But so is everyone, right? So who cares?
Peter Bretter: I just don't feel like doing anything.
Rachel Jansen: Why?
Peter Bretter: 'Cause my heart is broken, and I can't imagine doing anything right now. It's probably the same reason... you don't go back to school, you know? Maybe it's good we got hurt like that, you know? don't know about you, but it makes me feel impervious to pain.
Rachel Jansen: Yeah. Kind of like there's nothing left to be afraid of.
Peter Bretter: Yeah. No, exactly.
Rachel Jansen: Right.
Peter Bretter: We could leap off this rock, and it won't hurt us as had as they did.
Rachel Jansen: So, jump then.
Peter Bretter: No, I meant that, like as a metaphor, you know?
Rachel Jansen: No. Just do it. You’ll be fine. Jump.
Peter Bretter: Oh, god. Oh god. I made her kill yourself. You must be crazy.
Rachel Jansen: So, are you gonna jump, or what.
Peter Bretter: No.
Rachel Jansen: Come on, Peter! I can see vagina from here. I can see hoo-ha.
Peter Bretter: I mean, I'll jump!
Rachel Jansen: Chicken, come on.
Peter Bretter: [while hanging from a cliff] So what should I do? I should just let go?
Rachel Jansen: No, no, no, no, no. If you fall straight down, you'll probably hit a rock and kill yourself!
Peter Bretter: Totally. So what do I do?!
Rachel Jansen: Why don't you just press your feet up against the rock, and like, shoot yourself off!
Peter Bretter: What, like a frog?!
Rachel Jansen: I don't know, Peter- just get off the ****ing rock!
Peter Bretter: Here I go! One! [pause]
Rachel Jansen: Two!
Peter Bretter: Two! [pause] Two and a half-
Rachel Jansen: Jump!
Peter Bretter: Three! [jumps, falls awkwardly, but safely, into the sea near Rachel]
Rachel Jansen: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You saw right?
Peter Bretter: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it.
Rachel Jansen: I was there I witnessed it.
Peter Bretter: [smiling] Thanks.
[She kisses him]
Peter Bretter: Look.
Rachel Jansen: Wow, this is really beautiful. All right, so now that your show’s done, are you gonna finish the Dracula musical?
Peter Bretter: It’s not that was, you know. Sarah always thought it was crazy and...
Rachel Jansen: Well, you're definitely crazy. But so is everyone, right? So who cares?
Peter Bretter: I just don't feel like doing anything.
Rachel Jansen: Why?
Peter Bretter: 'Cause my heart is broken, and I can't imagine doing anything right now. It's probably the same reason... you don't go back to school, you know? Maybe it's good we got hurt like that, you know? don't know about you, but it makes me feel impervious to pain.
Rachel Jansen: Yeah. Kind of like there's nothing left to be afraid of.
Peter Bretter: Yeah. No, exactly.
Rachel Jansen: Right.
Peter Bretter: We could leap off this rock, and it won't hurt us as had as they did.
Rachel Jansen: So, jump then.
Peter Bretter: No, I meant that, like as a metaphor, you know?
Rachel Jansen: No. Just do it. You’ll be fine. Jump.
Peter Bretter: Oh, god. Oh god. I made her kill yourself. You must be crazy.
Rachel Jansen: So, are you gonna jump, or what.
Peter Bretter: No.
Rachel Jansen: Come on, Peter! I can see vagina from here. I can see hoo-ha.
Peter Bretter: I mean, I'll jump!
Rachel Jansen: Chicken, come on.
Peter Bretter: [while hanging from a cliff] So what should I do? I should just let go?
Rachel Jansen: No, no, no, no, no. If you fall straight down, you'll probably hit a rock and kill yourself!
Peter Bretter: Totally. So what do I do?!
Rachel Jansen: Why don't you just press your feet up against the rock, and like, shoot yourself off!
Peter Bretter: What, like a frog?!
Rachel Jansen: I don't know, Peter- just get off the ****ing rock!
Peter Bretter: Here I go! One! [pause]
Rachel Jansen: Two!
Peter Bretter: Two! [pause] Two and a half-
Rachel Jansen: Jump!
Peter Bretter: Three! [jumps, falls awkwardly, but safely, into the sea near Rachel]
Rachel Jansen: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. You saw right?
Peter Bretter: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw it.
Rachel Jansen: I was there I witnessed it.
Peter Bretter: [smiling] Thanks.
[She kisses him]
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Sarah Marshall: [after she, Peter and Rachel have each had a lot of wine] So... just so we're clear, and so that I can kinda hone in on your, your central thesis of the night, wade through all the bullshit, you're telling me you think you have the right to just **** anyone, anywhere, anytime? That's what you're saying?
Aldous Snow: Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice] Ultimately, that is... [notices the spill and laughs] Oh, no! Not the shirt! [laughing] Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
Sarah Marshall: When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!
Aldous Snow: D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!
Sarah Marshall: [quietly and angrily] Just please get some seltzer water.
Aldous Snow: Um, garcon, could we get some... [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...
Aldous: No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]
Peter Brenner: [in mock reaction to the dessert] Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.
Rachel Jansen: Oh, good! [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]
Peter Bretter: I love Hawaii.
Rachel Jansen: [laughs] It's good, huh?
Sarah Marshall: Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.
Rachel Jansen: Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] I like living here.
Aldous Snow: Yes! That's right, there it is! Not so eloquently as you just put it, sweetheart, but... [spills his cranberry juice over the Tommy Bahama shirt Sarah bought him, and doesn't notice] Ultimately, that is... [notices the spill and laughs] Oh, no! Not the shirt! [laughing] Take my eyes, but not the shirt! Mmm, yeah, that's pretty much what I believe, Sarah.
Sarah Marshall: When you're done making jokes, are you gonna get a napkin?!
Aldous Snow: D'you know what, I think I've improved it, actually! Against all odds, I think I deserve a design award!
Sarah Marshall: [quietly and angrily] Just please get some seltzer water.
Aldous Snow: Um, garcon, could we get some... [Matthew rushes over and tries vigorously to clean off Aldous' shirt, while Aldous tries to fend him off; Rachel laughs]
Matthew Van Der Wyk: I saw it from farther away. Okay, just lean back for a sec. Let me...
Aldous: No, it's all right, it's not there. You're very diligent, and I appreciate it, but, let go of the glass now, you're gonna have to walk away, bless you. [Matthew reluctantly backs off as a waitress brings dessert]
Peter Brenner: [in mock reaction to the dessert] Oh me, oh my, call the doctor.
Rachel Jansen: Oh, good! [they both laugh; Rachel feeds Peter some of her dessert.]
Peter Bretter: I love Hawaii.
Rachel Jansen: [laughs] It's good, huh?
Sarah Marshall: Yeah, it's nice, but I think, for like a week, tops. Any more than that, and I know I'd go crazy, because I think that Hawaii is a place to escape for people who can't deal with the real world.
Rachel Jansen: Yeah, you know, there's so few personal shoppers and pet therapists. Gosh, it's such a hard life. [she feeds Peter another bite of dessert, then grabs his face and kisses him.] I like living here.
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Sarah Marshall: [As she is giving Peter oral sex, Peter feels guilty about Rachel] What's wrong with you?
Peter Bretter: Nothing is wrong with me, okay? I just don't feel right.
Sarah Marshall: Okay, okay! I didn't mean... well, you know what? Did you drink today? Because, sometimes when you drink...
Peter Bretter: Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so, my **** doesn't want to be around you anymore, Okay?! EVER! 'Cause you know what I just realized, huh? You're the goddamn Devil! [walks past a wedding service on the lawn] Oh, yeah, wedding in Hawaii. Real original!
Peter Bretter: Nothing is wrong with me, okay? I just don't feel right.
Sarah Marshall: Okay, okay! I didn't mean... well, you know what? Did you drink today? Because, sometimes when you drink...
Peter Bretter: Excuse me. No, I haven't had anything to drink today. Maybe the problem is that you broke my heart into a million pieces and so, my **** doesn't want to be around you anymore, Okay?! EVER! 'Cause you know what I just realized, huh? You're the goddamn Devil! [walks past a wedding service on the lawn] Oh, yeah, wedding in Hawaii. Real original!
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Sarah Marshall: I feel... I've been feeling... that, for a long time, we've been growing apart. We're leading different lives.
Peter Bretter: Who's the dude? [stands up] Who's the dude?
Sarah Marshall: What?! No, that's not what this is about! There's no one else. [stands up]
Peter Bretter: I know what's happening here. I really do. You've been working so much lately, that we haven't got to spend much time together and you're forgetting what it's like to be with me. But maybe if we just held each other or something, you would remember what it's like to be with me.
Sarah Marshall: No.
Peter Bretter: Please hold me. [Sarah hesitates] Please. [he comes over to her and hugs her, still naked. Sarah hugs him back reluctantly]
Sarah Marshall: There's someone else. [Peter pulls away from her and looks at her in shock] I'm sorry. [she walks out in tears]
Peter Bretter: Who's the dude? [stands up] Who's the dude?
Sarah Marshall: What?! No, that's not what this is about! There's no one else. [stands up]
Peter Bretter: I know what's happening here. I really do. You've been working so much lately, that we haven't got to spend much time together and you're forgetting what it's like to be with me. But maybe if we just held each other or something, you would remember what it's like to be with me.
Sarah Marshall: No.
Peter Bretter: Please hold me. [Sarah hesitates] Please. [he comes over to her and hugs her, still naked. Sarah hugs him back reluctantly]
Sarah Marshall: There's someone else. [Peter pulls away from her and looks at her in shock] I'm sorry. [she walks out in tears]
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Sarah Marshall: Peter... as you know, I love you very much...
Peter Bretter: [horrified] Are you breaking up with me? [drops his towel and covers his face]
Sarah Marshall: Pete? Are you, um...?
Peter Bretter: I just need a minute. [turns away, then hunches over and starts whimpering to himself]
Sarah Marshall: Okay?
...
Sarah Marshall: Do you want to put some clothes on?!
Peter Bretter: [sarcastically] Would you like to pick out the outfit you break up with me in?!
Peter Bretter: [horrified] Are you breaking up with me? [drops his towel and covers his face]
Sarah Marshall: Pete? Are you, um...?
Peter Bretter: I just need a minute. [turns away, then hunches over and starts whimpering to himself]
Sarah Marshall: Okay?
...
Sarah Marshall: Do you want to put some clothes on?!
Peter Bretter: [sarcastically] Would you like to pick out the outfit you break up with me in?!
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[Sarah, having heard Rachel and Peter having sex through the wall, starts having sex with Aldous and faking a loud orgasm; Rachel and Peter realize what she's doing and have even noisier sex, trying to one-up her and vice versa. Finally, Aldous realizes what Sarah's doing and shoves her off.]
Aldous Snow: Yeah, alright, that's enough!
Sarah Marshall: What?
Aldous Snow: I made a mistake, coming here with you. You're still involved with 'im next door, in't ya?
Sarah Marshall: Excuse me?
Aldous Snow: You should have seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then, we come back here, and you put on that... ghastly performance. I mean, I've heard that women fake orgasms, but I've never actually seen one. It really, deeply upset me.
Sarah Marshall: You should have seen yourself at dinner! [mocking Aldous's accent] Oh, I'm Aldous Snow... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. No, no drinks for me thanks... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
Aldous Snow: That's a really reductive impression. If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show. Which, obviously, I can't now, 'cause it's canceled.
Sarah Marshall: Oh my God, you're such a prick! And, you know what?! Lemme tell you something about these tattoos, okay?! That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!
Aldous Snow: Was that genuine, or did you fake that as well? Right, I'm gonna probably clear off, now. I'll have a little sleep for a couple of hours, but then, uh, I'm gonna probably go in the morning, okay?
Sarah Marshall: [long pause] I hate your music.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, well I ****ed the housekeeper the other day.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, alright, that's enough!
Sarah Marshall: What?
Aldous Snow: I made a mistake, coming here with you. You're still involved with 'im next door, in't ya?
Sarah Marshall: Excuse me?
Aldous Snow: You should have seen yourself at dinner, Sarah. Then, we come back here, and you put on that... ghastly performance. I mean, I've heard that women fake orgasms, but I've never actually seen one. It really, deeply upset me.
Sarah Marshall: You should have seen yourself at dinner! [mocking Aldous's accent] Oh, I'm Aldous Snow... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. No, no drinks for me thanks... bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
Aldous Snow: That's a really reductive impression. If I wanted to see you act badly, I'd just watch your TV show. Which, obviously, I can't now, 'cause it's canceled.
Sarah Marshall: Oh my God, you're such a prick! And, you know what?! Lemme tell you something about these tattoos, okay?! That is Buddhist, that is Nordic, that is Hindu, that's just gibberish. They are completely conflicting ideologies, and that does not make you a citizen of the world, it makes you full of shit!
Aldous Snow: Was that genuine, or did you fake that as well? Right, I'm gonna probably clear off, now. I'll have a little sleep for a couple of hours, but then, uh, I'm gonna probably go in the morning, okay?
Sarah Marshall: [long pause] I hate your music.
Aldous Snow: Yeah, well I ****ed the housekeeper the other day.