History of the World: Part I quotes

View Quote Announcer - Even in most primitive man, the need to create was part of his nature. This need, this talent clearly separated early man from animals, who would never know this gift.
Announcer - And here, in a cave about 2 million years ago, the first artist was born. [a drawing of a buffalo is shown, and a proud artist] And, of course, with the birth of the artist, came the inevitable after birth... The critic. [the critic urinates on the drawing]

View Quote Chief Monk - Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!
Torquemada - We've flattened their fingers, we've branded their buns, nothing is working...send in the nuns!
Jew - I was sitting in a temple, I was minding my own business, I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass. Then these Papist persons plunge in and they throw me in a dungeon and they shove a red-hot poker up my ass! Is that considerate? Is that polite? And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!

View Quote Count De Monet - Sir, the peasants are revolting!

King Louis - You said it. They stink on ice.
Madame Defarge - We don't even have a language! Just a stupid accent!

Peasant Man - Yeah she's right. We all sound like Maurice Chevalier. Honh, honh, honh.
Madame Defarge - Let us end this meeting on a high note. Eeeeeeee!

Peasants - Eeeeeee!
Bernaise - Your cuffs, your cuffs, I don't like your cuffs. A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his pinky, yours are all the way down to your balls!

Count De Monet - At least I have mine.

Bernaise - Bitch.
Count De Monet - Your majesty...you look like the piss boy!
King Louis - ... and you look like a bucket of shit!
King Louis - It's good to be the king.
King Louis - Of course ya do it. Everybody does it. I just did it, and I'm ready to do it again."
King Louis - They are my people! I am their sovereign! I LOVE Them. Pull! [shoots peasant flung into air]

King Louis - Oohh, leaning to the left.
Count De Monet - Do we have any more of those delicious raisins?

Bernaise - You ate yours, these are mine.

Count De Monet - Don't be saucy with me, Bearnaise.

View Quote God - "Moses, this is the Lord, thy God, commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me?"

Moses - "Yes, I hear you, I hear you... a deaf man could hear you!"

God - "What?!"
Moses - "The lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen... (drops stone tablet) Oy. Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!"

View Quote Roman Guard - Seize HIM!!
Josephus - Seize This Honkus!
Waiter at last supper - "Are you all together or are there separate checks?"
Stoned Roman Soldier 1 - "So, do you care if it falls?"

Stoned Roman Soldier 2 - "What?"

Stoned Roman Soldier 1 - "The Roman Empire"

Stoned Roman Soldier 2 - "**** it!"

Roman Soldier - "Alchemist can you help me?"

Alchemist - "What are you looking for?"

Roman Soldier - "A pack of Trojans"

Alchemist - "Gee I just ran out!"
Marcus Vindictus - Don't you know your left flank from your right flank?

Captain Mucus - I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.

Marcus Vindictus - You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
Emporer Caesar - Nice. Nice. Not thrilling... but nice.
Dole Office Clerk - Occupation?

Comicus - Stand-up philosopher.

Dole Office Clerk - What?

Comicus - Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human existence into a viable and meaningful comprehension.

Dole Office Clerk - Oh, a *bullshit* artist!

Comicus - Hmmmmmm...

Dole Office Clerk - Did you bullshit last week?

Comicus - No.

Dole Office Clerk - Did you try to bullshit last week?

Comicus - Yes!

Empress Nympho - [to her litter bearers] Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
Judas - No. No. Leave us alone!

Comicus - All right, all right! Jesus!

Jesus - Yes.

Comicus - What?

Jesus - What?

Comicus - What?

Jesus - Yes.

Comicus - Jesus!

Jesus - Yes.

Comicus - What?

Jesus - What?

Comicus - You said what.

Jesus - Yes.

Comicus - Nothing.
Empress Nympho - Oh Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?

Crowd - Whooooaaaaaaa!

Bob - Well, we could use another wine steward.

Josephus - I got a great corkscrew!

Crowd - Whoooaaaaaaa!

Josephus - Damn, this a hip crowd!
Oedipus - [walking around collecting donations] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey Josephus!

Josephus - Hey, mother****er!