The Last Boy Scout quotes

View Quote Billy Cole: Ain't life a bitch?

View Quote Darian Hallenbeck: (to Jimmy) What the hell is that number on the back of your head? What is that, like a license plate in case someone tries to steal it?

View Quote Inspector: This is a police matter, you dumb son of a bitch! And I'm sick and tired of sweeping up your dead bodies! Now the next time I see your ugly mug...I'm gonna put a bullet in it! You got it?

View Quote Sarah Hallenbeck: Call your shrink, Joe! Call him and tell him that you're ****ing losing it!

View Quote Alley Thug: All right, you want it in the chest, or the head?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yeah, that's what your wife said.
Alley Thug: Hey, would you stop with the wife shit?
Joe Hallenbeck: Ask me how fat she is.
Alley Thug: **** you, man! How fat is she?
Joe Hallenbeck: She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Mother****er, if you wanna **** her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm not saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial photograph.

View Quote Jimmy Dix: Hey, man. You ever play ball? You've got a good build.
Joe Hallenbeck: What are you, a ****?
Jimmy Dix: No, I'm just trying to break the ice.
Joe Hallenbeck: I like ice. Leave it the **** alone.
Jimmy Dix: Oh, you're a lot of fun to be with.

View Quote Jimmy Dix: It ain't right.
Joe Hallenbeck: No, it ain't right. [sighs]
Joe Hallenbeck: This ain't no game, flash. Real guns, real bullets. It's dangerous.
Jimmy Dix: Danger's my middle name.
Joe Hallenbeck: Mine's Cornelius. You tell anybody, I'll kill you.
Jimmy Dix: You ever watch "Soul Train"?
Joe Hallenbeck: Shut the **** up.

View Quote Jimmy Dix: Man, you couldn't protect a cup of warm piss.
[throws ice at Joe]
Joe Hallenbeck: Why don't you just go ahead and hit me?
Jimmy Dix: Excuse me?
Joe Hallenbeck: Come on, chicken shit. Bust me in the chops. You don't think an old guy like me could hurt ya, do ya Jimmy?
Jimmy Dix: So now you know my name?
Joe Hallenbeck: James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90. Banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse. Another tragic tale of wasted youth.
Jimmy Dix: [stands up from his chair] Now you're starting to piss me off.
Joe Hallenbeck: It's about ****in' time. I'm Joe Hallenbeck.
Joe Hallenbeck: [Joe reaches out his hand, Jimmy slaps it] I'm a private detective.
Jimmy Dix: You're like a ****in' lowlife to me.
Joe Hallenbeck: At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke.
[Jimmy tries to punch Joe, who subsequently blocks his punch and pushes him on the ground]
Joe Hallenbeck: [noticing his spilled whiskey] I spilled my warm cup of piss.

View Quote Jimmy Dix: So, what else?
Joe Hallenbeck: Well, there's not much more to tell than that. Water's wet, the sky's blue. And old Satan Claus, Jimmy, he's out there. And he's just getting stronger.
Jimmy Dix: So what do we do about that?
Joe Hallenbeck: Be prepared, son. That's my motto. "Be prepared."

View Quote Joe Hallenbeck: Hey flash, rescue attempt?
Jimmy Dix: Blow me.
Milo: You must be James.
Jimmy Dix: [sarcastically] James?
Joe Hallenbeck: He does that with everybody. He calls me Joseph.
Milo: I trust you're alone.
Jimmy Dix: No, I got the ****in' Vienna Boys Choir with me. What, is everybody stupid around here?
[thug slams his head into car bonnet]
Joe Hallenbeck: Just you, kid.

View Quote Joe Hallenbeck: I believe in love, I believe in cancer.
Jimmy Dix: What, they're both diseases?
Joe Hallenbeck: Yea, something like that.
Jimmy Dix: I want to meet the bitch that ****ed you up.

View Quote Milo: Can we get a formal introduction?
Joe Hallenbeck: Who gives a ****? You're the bad guy, right?
Milo: I am the bad guy.
Joe Hallenbeck: And I'm supposed to be trembling with fear, something like that?
Milo: Something like that.
Joe Hallenbeck: Fine, I'll start trembling in a minute. In the meantime, you think I could have a drink?

View Quote Milo: You think you're so ****ing cool, don't you? You think you're so ****ing cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream... in pain...
Joe Hallenbeck: Play some rap music.

View Quote [After halfway being blown up by C4]
Joe Hallenbeck: Do dead guys make bad jokes?
Jimmy Dix: No.
Joe Hallenbeck: "Then we're alive."

View Quote [Hallenbeck and Dix are trying to tell the bodyguards in a car about a bomb]
Jimmy Dix: Okay, you pull up and I yell at them.
Joe Hallenbeck: What?!
Jimmy Dix: Pull up next to them, I'll roll my window down and yell at them!
Joe Hallenbeck: That's the lamest ****ing plan I ever heard!
Jimmy Dix: Can we try it?!
Joe Hallenbeck: It's bulletproof glass, they're not gonna hear you, you moron!
[Dix takes out a sheet of paper and a pen and starts drawing something]
Joe Hallenbeck: Now what are you doing?
Jimmy Dix: I'm drawing them a picture.
Joe Hallenbeck: What is that?
Jimmy Dix: It's a bomb.
Joe Hallenbeck: It doesn't look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines coming out of it! They're gonna say, "don't open the briefcase, it's full of fresh fruit"!
Jimmy Dix: You wanna draw the damn thing?
[As they pull alongside the bodyguards' car Dix scrawls "BOM" below his drawing]
Jimmy Dix: [shows Hallenbeck the drawing] Happy?
Joe Hallenbeck: Are you kidding me?
[Dix puts the drawing up against his window, showing it to the bodyguards]
Jimmy Dix: Always criticizing my shit. I can't do nothing right.
[The bodyguards look at the drawing, then shoot at Dix and Hallenbeck]
Jimmy Dix: Oh, shit!
Joe Hallenbeck: I forgot to tell you. "Bom" means "**** you" in Polish.
Jimmy Dix: Hey, that's not funny, man! I almost bought it there!
Joe Hallenbeck: Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya.