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-Gasp- Yes!
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(At Joker Manor...) Joker: Hi, Bats!
Batman: What have you done to my...Bruce Wayne's house? You better hope there's a cool guy and doesn't go crazy.
Joker: What happened to all your friends?
Batman: I don't need friends! I don't need anyone to stop you!
Joker: Are you sure about that? Look in the mirror, Batman. When I saw you working with your friend-family, I actually thought you changed. But no, you pushed them away. You've ran away from every person in your life, but I'm the one you're always chasing!
Batman: Is this about that stupid "greatest enemy" thing?
Joker: No, it's not. (The lights turn on and show every villain from the Phantom Zone.) Not anymore.
Villain #1: You tell 'im, Joker!
Shark: It's time for a fresh start!
Daleks: He's not worth it!
Joker: I think after 78 years, I deserve respect!
Harley: That is right; respect!
Joker: Do you realize that you have never once said the words, "I hate you, Joker"?
Harley: Not once!
Batman: Well, I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now, that's for darn sure.
Joker: Annoyed is not the same thing! Listen, Batman. I hate you.
Villains: Aww!
Villain #2: That's nice.
Joker: Now you say it.
Batman: Me, too.
(The villains all exclaim in disappointment.)
Joker: You won't... You won't change, because you can't. You won't and you can't.
Villain #3: Batman will never say it!
Harley: You know what, Booboo, just shut it down.
Joker: These disease lunatics are right.
Voldemort: Yes, we are.
Joker: I'm not gonna be part of a one-sided relationship any longer!
Harley: Yes!
Batman: What are you talking about?
Joker: You and I are done.
Batman: What is wrong with you?
Joker: I'm moving on!
Batman: That's ridiculous.
Joker: And on my way out, I'm gonna blow up Gotham City!
Batman: No, you're not serious.
Voldemort: Wingardium Leviosa! (He uses his levatation spell on Batman to turn him back to Joker.)
Joker: You know what for once, Batman, you're right. I'm not your greatest enemy; your greatest enemy... (He pulls out the Phantom Zone projector.) ...is you. Goodbye, Batman.
Batman: Wait a minute, hold on a second!
(He sends him to the Phantom Zone, as Batman exclaims.)
Harley: Good for you, Booboo!
(The others cheer.)
(At Joker Manor...) Joker: Hi, Bats!
Batman: What have you done to my...Bruce Wayne's house? You better hope there's a cool guy and doesn't go crazy.
Joker: What happened to all your friends?
Batman: I don't need friends! I don't need anyone to stop you!
Joker: Are you sure about that? Look in the mirror, Batman. When I saw you working with your friend-family, I actually thought you changed. But no, you pushed them away. You've ran away from every person in your life, but I'm the one you're always chasing!
Batman: Is this about that stupid "greatest enemy" thing?
Joker: No, it's not. (The lights turn on and show every villain from the Phantom Zone.) Not anymore.
Villain #1: You tell 'im, Joker!
Shark: It's time for a fresh start!
Daleks: He's not worth it!
Joker: I think after 78 years, I deserve respect!
Harley: That is right; respect!
Joker: Do you realize that you have never once said the words, "I hate you, Joker"?
Harley: Not once!
Batman: Well, I am starting to feel pretty annoyed with you right now, that's for darn sure.
Joker: Annoyed is not the same thing! Listen, Batman. I hate you.
Villains: Aww!
Villain #2: That's nice.
Joker: Now you say it.
Batman: Me, too.
(The villains all exclaim in disappointment.)
Joker: You won't... You won't change, because you can't. You won't and you can't.
Villain #3: Batman will never say it!
Harley: You know what, Booboo, just shut it down.
Joker: These disease lunatics are right.
Voldemort: Yes, we are.
Joker: I'm not gonna be part of a one-sided relationship any longer!
Harley: Yes!
Batman: What are you talking about?
Joker: You and I are done.
Batman: What is wrong with you?
Joker: I'm moving on!
Batman: That's ridiculous.
Joker: And on my way out, I'm gonna blow up Gotham City!
Batman: No, you're not serious.
Voldemort: Wingardium Leviosa! (He uses his levatation spell on Batman to turn him back to Joker.)
Joker: You know what for once, Batman, you're right. I'm not your greatest enemy; your greatest enemy... (He pulls out the Phantom Zone projector.) ...is you. Goodbye, Batman.
Batman: Wait a minute, hold on a second!
(He sends him to the Phantom Zone, as Batman exclaims.)
Harley: Good for you, Booboo!
(The others cheer.)
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Alfred: Master Bruce, you live on an island figuratively and literally.
Batman: Yeah, I love it.
Alfred: You can't spend the rest of your life alone dressed in black, listening to angry music, and staying up all night.
Batman: Yes I can. 'Cause I'm Batman.
Alfred: But don't you think it's time you finally faced your biggest fear?
Batman: Snakes?
Alfred: No.
Batman: Clowns?
Alfred: No.
Batman: Snake-clowns?
Alfred: Bruce, listen. Your greatest fear is being a part of a family again.
[Batman looks at the family pictures]
Batman: Nope, now it's Snake-clowns, because you put that idea in my head.
Alfred: Sir-
Batman: Time for push-ups! One! Two! I'm going to a thousand.
Alfred: I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.
Batman: It is possible. I'm already at twenty.
Alfred: You're scheduled to go to Jim Gordon's retirement party.
Batman: What? No! I don't wanna do that!
Alfred: You're going to have a good time.
Batman: No, no, no, no!
Alfred: You might meet some new people.
Batman: No, no, no, no!
Alfred: Even make some new friends.
Batman: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! [to the tune of the Adam West theme song] No-no, no-no, no-no, no-no! [beatboxes] No!!
Alfred: And before you go, we could do your favourite thing.
Batman: [gasps] Tuxedo dress-up party!
Batman: Yeah, I love it.
Alfred: You can't spend the rest of your life alone dressed in black, listening to angry music, and staying up all night.
Batman: Yes I can. 'Cause I'm Batman.
Alfred: But don't you think it's time you finally faced your biggest fear?
Batman: Snakes?
Alfred: No.
Batman: Clowns?
Alfred: No.
Batman: Snake-clowns?
Alfred: Bruce, listen. Your greatest fear is being a part of a family again.
[Batman looks at the family pictures]
Batman: Nope, now it's Snake-clowns, because you put that idea in my head.
Alfred: Sir-
Batman: Time for push-ups! One! Two! I'm going to a thousand.
Alfred: I'm afraid that's not possible, sir.
Batman: It is possible. I'm already at twenty.
Alfred: You're scheduled to go to Jim Gordon's retirement party.
Batman: What? No! I don't wanna do that!
Alfred: You're going to have a good time.
Batman: No, no, no, no!
Alfred: You might meet some new people.
Batman: No, no, no, no!
Alfred: Even make some new friends.
Batman: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! [to the tune of the Adam West theme song] No-no, no-no, no-no, no-no! [beatboxes] No!!
Alfred: And before you go, we could do your favourite thing.
Batman: [gasps] Tuxedo dress-up party!
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Alfred: Were you looking at the old family pictures again?
Batman: At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.
Alfred: I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005 and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989 and that weird one in 1966. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?
Batman: I don't talk about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.
Alfred: Sir, it's morning. [clicks the remote, opening the curtains; the sunlight shines through the windows. Batman cringes]
Batman: Hiss! Sun!
Batman: At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.
Alfred: I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005 and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989 and that weird one in 1966. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?
Batman: I don't talk about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.
Alfred: Sir, it's morning. [clicks the remote, opening the curtains; the sunlight shines through the windows. Batman cringes]
Batman: Hiss! Sun!
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Barbara: Batman has been on the job for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, long time.
Bruce Wayne: He has aged phenomenally.
Bruce Wayne: He has aged phenomenally.
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Barbara: It is my dream for the Police Force to someday team up with Batman!
Bruce Wayne: I hate everything you just said.
Bruce Wayne: I hate everything you just said.
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Batgirl: Batman! Why'd you build these thing with only one seat?
Batman: Uh, because last I checked I only had one butt.
Batman: Uh, because last I checked I only had one butt.
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Batman: Sometimes, in order to right a wrong, you have to do a wrong-right.
Robin: Did Gandhi really say that?
Batman: I'm paraphrasing.
Robin: Did Gandhi really say that?
Batman: I'm paraphrasing.
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Joker: I've got a surprise for you guys! And it's gonna make you smile!
Batman: Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace!
Batman: Uh-oh! His smile is our grimace!
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Joker: I’m afraid Captain Dale had to bail! I’m your new co-pilot! And I always come to work... with a smile!
(Pilot Billson stares unimpressed)
Joker: ... You should be terrified.
Pilot Billson: Why?
Joker: Because... I will be taking over the city!
Pilot Billson: Mmm...
Joker: What?
Pilot Billson: Batman will stop you.
Joker: Pffft!
Pilot Billson: He always stops you.
Joker: No he doesn’t!
Pilot Bill: Like that time with the two boats?
Joker: This is better than the two boats.
Pilot Bill: Mmm.
Joker: Well, tonight is going to be different! Tonight is my greatest plan yet! And trust me, Batman’s never gonna see it coming.
Pilot Bill: Like that time with the parade and the Prince music?
Joker: Hey, quiet!
(Pilot Billson stares unimpressed)
Joker: ... You should be terrified.
Pilot Billson: Why?
Joker: Because... I will be taking over the city!
Pilot Billson: Mmm...
Joker: What?
Pilot Billson: Batman will stop you.
Joker: Pffft!
Pilot Billson: He always stops you.
Joker: No he doesn’t!
Pilot Bill: Like that time with the two boats?
Joker: This is better than the two boats.
Pilot Bill: Mmm.
Joker: Well, tonight is going to be different! Tonight is my greatest plan yet! And trust me, Batman’s never gonna see it coming.
Pilot Bill: Like that time with the parade and the Prince music?
Joker: Hey, quiet!
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Joker: Okay, look, I-I'm fine with you fighting other people if you wanna do that, but what we have is special. So when people ask you who's your number one bad guy, you say...
Batman: Superman.
Joker: Are you seriously saying that there's nothing, nothing special about our relationship?!
Batman: Whoa! Let me tell you something, J-Bird. Batman doesn't do ships.
Joker: What?
Batman: As in relationships. There is no us. Batman and Joker are not a thing. (Joker's face is slowly saddening) I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. (Joker becomes heartbroken for a long pause) No one does.
Batman: Superman.
Joker: Are you seriously saying that there's nothing, nothing special about our relationship?!
Batman: Whoa! Let me tell you something, J-Bird. Batman doesn't do ships.
Joker: What?
Batman: As in relationships. There is no us. Batman and Joker are not a thing. (Joker's face is slowly saddening) I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. (Joker becomes heartbroken for a long pause) No one does.
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Joker: Your city is under attack by Gotham’s greatest criminal masterminds! Including... Riddler! Scarecrow!
Scarecrow: Pizza delivery!
Joker: Bane!
Bane: Hello.
Joker: Two-Face!
Two-Face: We need that door open.
Joker: Catwoman!
Catwoman: Meow-meow, you're in, meow-meow.
Joker: And let's not forget Clayface! Poison Ivy!
Cop:
Mr. Freeze: No, you freeze.
Joker: Mr. Freeze! Penguin! Crazy Quilt! Eraser! Polka-Dot Man! Mime! Tarantula! King Tut! Orca! Killer Moth! March Hares! Zodiac Master! Gentleman Ghost! Clock King! Calendar Man! Kite Man! Catman! Zebra-man! And the Condiment King!
Pilot Bill: … Okay, are you making some of these up?
Joker: Nope, they’re all real! Probably worth a Google.
Scarecrow: Pizza delivery!
Joker: Bane!
Bane: Hello.
Joker: Two-Face!
Two-Face: We need that door open.
Joker: Catwoman!
Catwoman: Meow-meow, you're in, meow-meow.
Joker: And let's not forget Clayface! Poison Ivy!
Cop:
Mr. Freeze: No, you freeze.
Joker: Mr. Freeze! Penguin! Crazy Quilt! Eraser! Polka-Dot Man! Mime! Tarantula! King Tut! Orca! Killer Moth! March Hares! Zodiac Master! Gentleman Ghost! Clock King! Calendar Man! Kite Man! Catman! Zebra-man! And the Condiment King!
Pilot Bill: … Okay, are you making some of these up?
Joker: Nope, they’re all real! Probably worth a Google.
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Robin: My name's Richard Grayson, but the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.
Bruce Wayne: Well, children can be cruel.
Bruce Wayne: Well, children can be cruel.
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Robin: Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?
Batman: No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic!
Batman: No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic!