Mallrats quotes

View Quote Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.
T.S.: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.
Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
T.S.: What is with you today?
[Gwen suddenly approaches T.S. from behind and accidentally elbows her in her chest and she falls to the ground in pain]
T.S.: Gwen! I'm sorry, I didn't--
Gwen: You ****er!
[In retaliation, Gwen hits T.S. in the groin with her shopping bag and he goes down]
Brodie: See, that's what you get for ****ing with me. [Gwen gets up and Brodie kicks T.S. while he's still down] Hey, Gwen. He didn't mean to hit you.
Gwen: He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking tit. [she also kicks T.S.] Why the hell are you glowing?
Brodie: I'm not glowing.

View Quote Brodie: My grandmother always used to say "Why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free?"
T.S.: She said that?
Brodie: All the time. Of course, she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, but that's besides the point.

View Quote Brodie: T.S. Quint, meet Tricia Jones. They call her Trish "the dish".
Tricia Jones: Nobody calls me that.

View Quote Brodie: That kid is back on the escalator again!
T.S.: Would you leave it alone?
Brodie: What?!

View Quote Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
T.S.: You're such an anal retentive bastard.
Brodie: Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but, oh, no. You wanted to play little league instead.
[T.S. notices something on a table]
T.S.: What's that?
Brodie: Like it? I framed it before you got here.
T.S.: Oh my God, Rene dumped you!
Brodie: Hell hath no fear like a woman scorned for Sega.
T.S.: Wow, look at this long list of complaints; no sense of direction, no college ambition, no job prospect--
Brodie: Yeah, and it also says I have no dick, but you'll see that follows the financial aspect which proves once more what women really look for in a guy.
T.S.: Whoa, she calls you callow in here.
Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
T.S.: Well, it means frightened and weak-willed.
Brodie: Really? Shit, that was the only part of the letter that I thought was complimentary.
T.S.: Well, you're lucky, because unlike you, I didn't get a letter with all those obscure adjectives.
Brodie: What are you talking about?
T.S.: Just like you, now I'm in the framing business.
Brodie: Holy shit, Brandi dumped you. Wait a sec. Aren't you two supposed to be going to Florida together?
T.S.: Yeah, she left this morning, but it gets worse; I was going to propose to her.
Brodie: Where?
T.S.: Universal tour.
Brodie: You're kidding! What part?
T.S.: When Jaws popped out of the water.
Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
T.S.: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S.: [scoffs] Why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Rene. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S.: You think that's the reason she dumped you? C'mon, Rene's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating--
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S.: Shut up.
Brodie: What? What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S.: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.
Brodie: I can't believe this shit. Why are we sitting here trying to figure out where we went wrong with our significant others?
T.S.: [sarcastically] We just nailed it in your case.
Brodie: No, there is something out there that can help us ease our simultaneous double loss.
T.S.: What? Ritual suicide?
Brodie: No, you idiot, the ****ing mall!
T.S.: I prefer ritual suicide.
Brodie: Oh come on, man, it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand. You have to try 'em, they're awesome.

View Quote Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment--
Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.
Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.
Rene: For what?
Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale--
Rene: Brodie, Brodie--
Brodie: --or a boat show--
Rene: Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said "Okay". On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious ****ing disappointment.

View Quote Brodie: You know about this game show they got going on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.
Brodie: Really? Why?
Jay: What else are we gonna do? Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the ****ing Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and ****ing bickety-bam! The whole stage comes crashing down.
Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but, hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

View Quote Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".
T.S.: That wasn't me. It was you.
Brodie: Oh, yeah.
T.S.: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.

View Quote Ivannah: Free your minds.
Brodie: I'd like to free something.
Ivannah: ****us.
Brodie: That's what I was thinking.
T.S.: She said "focus".
Brodie: Whatever.

View Quote Jay: You're ****ing kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?!
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's ****ing dead!
Brodie: Oh, let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
T.S.: What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: **** all that shit. Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S.: What really happened?
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a rain check into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S.: You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S.: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

View Quote Kid 1: It's a schooner!
Willam: Ha ha! You dumb bastard. It's not a schooner, its a sailboat.
Kid 2: A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.
Willam: [losing patience] You know what?! There is no Easter Bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!

View Quote Rene: [about why she cries in the bathroom] Do you really wanna know?
Brodie: I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role of concerned guy.

View Quote Shannon: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those ****ing mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you ****ing live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
[Shannon punches Brodie]
Shannon: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's ****ing clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.
Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.
Shannon: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to **** them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Shannon: No. More like someplace girls dread.
[Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, but Shannon gives him another beat-down]

View Quote Shannon: That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna **** you up beyond repair!
Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.
Gill: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

View Quote Shannon: You wanna say something?
Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself mono-syllabically enough for you to understand it all.