National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation quotes

57 total quotes

Clark W. Griswold
Cousin Eddie
Others

View Quote Clark: I simply solved the problem. We needed a coffin... Er, a tree. There are no lots open on Christmas Eve. Lewis burned down my tree so I replaced it as best I could. Voilà.
Ellen: Are you okay?

View Quote Clark: Let's burn some dust here, eat my rubber!
Rusty Griswold: Dad, I think what you mean is "burn rubber" and "eat my dust".
Clark: Whatever Russ, whatever.

View Quote Clark: My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain...
Eddie: I appreciate that, Clark.
Clark: ...is innocent.

View Quote Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.
Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.
Clark: How'd you get through it?
Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

View Quote Clark: Russ, we checked every bulb didn't we?
Rusty: Sure, Dad.
Clark: Hmm... Maybe we ought to just go up there and check...
Rusty: Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car...

View Quote Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: What dear?
Nora: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? Ohhh...She passed away thirty years ago...
Uncle Lewis: <straining his face to mouth the words> They want you to say grace.... The BLESS-ING!!!
Aunt Bethany: Oh.
<everyone at the table folds their hands in prayer and reverently bows their heads>
Aunt Bethany:I pledge allegiance, to the flag of the United States of America - and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all!
Clark: Amen.

View Quote Clark: We're kicking off our fun old fashion family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
Audrey: We're not coming all the way out here just to get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it are we?
Clark: No, I have one of those at home.

View Quote Clark: [a squirrel is loose in the house] Where is Eddie? He usually eats these goddamn things.
Catherine: Not recently, Clark, he read that squirrels were high in cholesterol.

View Quote Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

View Quote Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?
Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised that I am now.

View Quote Eddie: [talking about Snots, Eddie's dog] If you scratch his belly Clark, he will love you till the day you die.
Clark: I really shouldn't Eddie my hands are all chapped.

View Quote Ellen: Clark, Audrey's frozen from the waist down.
Clark: That's all part of the experience honey.

View Quote Ellen: Clark, I think it's be best if everyone went home... before things get worse.
Clark: Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!

View Quote Ellen: Oh Aunt Bethany, you shouldn't have done that.
Aunt Bethany: Oh dear, did I break wind?
Uncle Lewis: Jesus, did the room clear out, Bethany? Hell no, she means presents. You shouldn't have brought presents.

View Quote Ellen: What are you looking at?
Clark: Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer...
Eddie: Shitter was full.
Clark: Ah, yeah. You checked our shitters, honey?
Ellen: Clark, please. He doesn't know any better.
Clark: He oughta know it's illegal. That's a storm sewer. If it fills with gas, I pity the person who lights a match within ten yards of it.