National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation quotes

View Quote Ellen: You set standards that no family activity can live up to.
Clark: When have I ever done that?
Ellen: Birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations...

View Quote Margo: And why is the carpet wet, Todd?
Todd: I don't know Margo.

View Quote Margot: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.
Todd: I can't just attack someone.
Margot: Alright then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.

View Quote Ruby Sue: Rocky bit my thumb. He's nervous.
Clark: Nervous or excited?
Ruby Sue: Shittin' bricks.
Clark: You shouldn't use that word.
Ruby Sue: Sorry. Shittin' rocks.

View Quote Ruby Sue: Uncle Clark, are you sure you ain't Santa Claus?
Clark: I'm sure... I can't even afford to be an elf.

View Quote Todd Chester: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?
Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.
Todd Chester: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.
Clark: [looking at his wife, Margo] I wasn't talking to you.

View Quote Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, Bethany and I figured out the perfect gift for you.
Clark: Aw, you didn't have to get me anything.
Uncle Lewis: Dammit, Bethany, he guessed it.

View Quote Uncle Lewis: Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogeies.
Clark: Is there anything else I can do for you, Uncle Lewis?
Ellen: He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas.
Clark: If he keeps it up, it WILL be his last Christmas.

View Quote [after Clark fails at lighting all the exterior Christmas lights at the "lighting ceremony" in front of the entire family]
Frances: Talk about pissing your money away. I hope you kids see what a silly waste of resources this was.
Audrey Griswold: He worked really hard, Grandma.
Art: So do washing machines.

View Quote [As Clark is trying to catch the loose squirrel]
Clark: Russ, go get the hammer.
Ellen: Clark, what do you need a hammer for?
Clark: I'm gonna catch it in the coat... And smack it with the hammer.
Ellen: You are not going to kill that squirrel in front of all these kids!
Clark: Well honey, what do you suggest?

View Quote [Clark is looking at lingerie, as a voluptuous saleswoman approaches]
Mary: Can I help you with anything?
Clark: Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - brousing.
Mary: For your wife? For your girlfriend?
Clark: Uh... huh? What happened? I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?
Mary: You have your coat on.
Clark: Yes, oh do I? How'd that happen?
Mary: Because it's cold out?
Clark: Yes, Yes, it is a bit nipply out. I mean 'nippy out.' What am I saying, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air, though.

View Quote [Snots is choking under the table making it shake]
Clark: Uh, Eddie? What's wrong with the dog?
[Snot gags again, table shakes]
Eddie: (Looks under table) Oh, he's just yakin' on a bone.
[Snot coughs up the bone]
Eddie: He got it up.

View Quote Can't see the line, can you Russ?

View Quote Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here piece of furniture. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back?

View Quote He's cute ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in 'im. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if your wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.