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Puppets at the Information Center: [Singing] Welcome to DuLoc, such a perfect town
Here we have some rules, let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is a perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face!
DuLoc is, DuLoc is, DuLoc is a perfect... place! [camera flash]
Donkey: Let's do that again!!
Here we have some rules, let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is a perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face!
DuLoc is, DuLoc is, DuLoc is a perfect... place! [camera flash]
Donkey: Let's do that again!!
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Shrek: Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: How do you know that?
Shrek: I read it in a book once.
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek: The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: How do you know that?
Shrek: I read it in a book once.
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Shrek: (to Donkey) WHY... are you following me?
Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why. (singing) Cos I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me! My problems have all come; there's no one to deride meeeeee! Butcha gotta have FRIENDS--
Shrek: STOP! SINGING! Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends!
Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
Donkey: Oh, I'll tell you why. (singing) Cos I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me! My problems have all come; there's no one to deride meeeeee! Butcha gotta have FRIENDS--
Shrek: STOP! SINGING! Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends!
Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
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Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example? Okay, er... ogres... are... like onions.
Donkey: [sniffs onion] They stink?
Shrek: Yes...NO!
Donkey: Or they make you cry.
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they turn brown and start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers... you get it. We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKES! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!
Shrek: [restraining temper] I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes!
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Heck no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: NOOO!!! YOU DENSE, IRRITATING, MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye bye! [whispers] See you later!
[pause]
Donkey: Parfaits may probably be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet!
Shrek: You know... I think I preferred you humming...
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example? Okay, er... ogres... are... like onions.
Donkey: [sniffs onion] They stink?
Shrek: Yes...NO!
Donkey: Or they make you cry.
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they turn brown and start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers... you get it. We both have layers.
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKES! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!
Shrek: [restraining temper] I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes!
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Heck no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: NOOO!!! YOU DENSE, IRRITATING, MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye bye! [whispers] See you later!
[pause]
Donkey: Parfaits may probably be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet!
Shrek: You know... I think I preferred you humming...
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(Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp)
1st Villager: Do you know what that thing could do to you?
2nd Villager: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!
Shrek: Actually, that would be a giant. But ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast...
2nd Villager: (waves a torch in front of Shrek) Back! Back, ya beast! I warn ya!
(Shrek licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match)
2nd Villager: Oh...
1st Villager: Do you know what that thing could do to you?
2nd Villager: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!
Shrek: Actually, that would be a giant. But ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast...
2nd Villager: (waves a torch in front of Shrek) Back! Back, ya beast! I warn ya!
(Shrek licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match)
2nd Villager: Oh...
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[Donkey has been telling Fiona about DuLoc]
Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What's he like?
Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess. [knowing glance at Donkey] Men of Farquaad's standards are in "short" supply. [chuckles]
Donkey: No, Shrek. There are those who think very "little" of him!
[Shrek and Donkey laugh]
Princess Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Shrek: [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow!
Princess Fiona: [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
Shrek: No, that'll take longer.
Princess Fiona: But there's... robbers in the woods!
Donkey: [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
Shrek: Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
Princess Fiona: [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!
Princess Fiona: And my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What's he like?
Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, Princess. [knowing glance at Donkey] Men of Farquaad's standards are in "short" supply. [chuckles]
Donkey: No, Shrek. There are those who think very "little" of him!
[Shrek and Donkey laugh]
Princess Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Shrek: [grins] Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow!
Princess Fiona: [suddenly anxious] Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
Shrek: No, that'll take longer.
Princess Fiona: But there's... robbers in the woods!
Donkey: [tense] Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
Shrek: Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
Princess Fiona: [furious] I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!
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[Fiona is trying to hide indoors before nightfall.]
Donkey: Wait a minute, now I see what's going on here. [slight pause] You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
Fiona: Why... yes! Yes, that's it, I'm terrified!
Donkey: Don't worry, princess, I used to be afraid of the dark too. But that was until-- No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
Donkey: Wait a minute, now I see what's going on here. [slight pause] You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
Fiona: Why... yes! Yes, that's it, I'm terrified!
Donkey: Don't worry, princess, I used to be afraid of the dark too. But that was until-- No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
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[Shrek and Donkey are on their way to rescue Fiona. Donkey sniffs the air, and smells something horrible.]
Donkey: Whew, Shrek, did you do that?! Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone... we must be getting close.
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone, and it didn't come off no stone neither.
Donkey: Whew, Shrek, did you do that?! Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone... we must be getting close.
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone, and it didn't come off no stone neither.
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[Shrek and Donkey finally reach the terrifying castle where Fiona is imprisoned]
Donkey: [nervous] Er, Shrek, you know when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek: Oh, aye?
Donkey: Well, donkeys don't have no layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek: Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!
Donkey: You know what I mean.
Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of LAVA!
Donkey: [nervous] Er, Shrek, you know when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek: Oh, aye?
Donkey: Well, donkeys don't have no layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek: Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!
Donkey: You know what I mean.
Shrek: You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of LAVA!
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[Shrek shows Donkey some star constellations]
Shrek: Over there. That's Throwback, the only ogre ever to spit over three wheatfields.
Donkey: Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek: Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. [points] Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent. [grins] You can guess what he's famous for!
Donkey: Alright, I know you're makin' this up.
Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey: Ah, that ain't nothin' but a buncha little dots!
Shrek: Y'know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. [pauses, then indicates himself] Hmm? [pause] Ah, never mind.
[pause]
Donkey: Hey, Shrek. What are we gonna do, when we get our swamp back?
Shrek: Our swamp?
Donkey: Y'know, when we're through with rescuin' the princess and all that stuff.
Shrek: We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey: [looks hurt] You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. [cheerful again] Y'know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is to try and keep somebody out.
Shrek: No! Y'think?
Donkey: Are you hidin' something?
Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.
Donkey: Ooooh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, this is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things.
Donkey: Why don't you wanna talk about it?
Shrek: [irritated now] Why do you WANT to talk about it?
Donkey: Are you blocking?
Shrek: I'm not blocking!
Donkey: Yes you are.
Shrek: [really getting angry] Donkey, I'm warning you...
Donkey: Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?
Shrek: [loses it] EVERYONE, OKAY?!?
[pause]
Donkey: [grins] Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere!
Shrek: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
Donkey: What exactly is your problem, Shrek? What you got against the world, huh?
Shrek: I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go "Arrrgh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" [sighs, feeling sad] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
[pause]
Donkey: Y'know, when we met, I didn't think you were just a big stupid ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know.
Donkey: So... [looks back at the stars] are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's Gabby the Small... and Annoying.
Donkey: Oh yeah, I see him. That big shiny one there, right?
Shrek: That's the moon.
Shrek: Over there. That's Throwback, the only ogre ever to spit over three wheatfields.
Donkey: Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek: Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. [points] Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent. [grins] You can guess what he's famous for!
Donkey: Alright, I know you're makin' this up.
Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey: Ah, that ain't nothin' but a buncha little dots!
Shrek: Y'know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. [pauses, then indicates himself] Hmm? [pause] Ah, never mind.
[pause]
Donkey: Hey, Shrek. What are we gonna do, when we get our swamp back?
Shrek: Our swamp?
Donkey: Y'know, when we're through with rescuin' the princess and all that stuff.
Shrek: We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey: [looks hurt] You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. [cheerful again] Y'know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is to try and keep somebody out.
Shrek: No! Y'think?
Donkey: Are you hidin' something?
Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.
Donkey: Ooooh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek: No, this is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things.
Donkey: Why don't you wanna talk about it?
Shrek: [irritated now] Why do you WANT to talk about it?
Donkey: Are you blocking?
Shrek: I'm not blocking!
Donkey: Yes you are.
Shrek: [really getting angry] Donkey, I'm warning you...
Donkey: Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?
Shrek: [loses it] EVERYONE, OKAY?!?
[pause]
Donkey: [grins] Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere!
Shrek: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
Donkey: What exactly is your problem, Shrek? What you got against the world, huh?
Shrek: I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go "Arrrgh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" [sighs, feeling sad] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
[pause]
Donkey: Y'know, when we met, I didn't think you were just a big stupid ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know.
Donkey: So... [looks back at the stars] are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there's Gabby the Small... and Annoying.
Donkey: Oh yeah, I see him. That big shiny one there, right?
Shrek: That's the moon.
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(after Shrek roars, trying to scare him off) Wow! That was REALLY scary, and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, cause yo' breath STINKS!
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(encountering ogre hunters) ROOOOAAAR!!! [the hunters scream in terror; Shrek lowers his voice to a whisper] This is the part where you run away.
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(seeing Lord Farquaad's enormous castle) Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?
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(to Donkey) I already told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! ME! Nobody else, nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING DONKEYS!!!
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(to Fiona, as he goes to rescue Donkey from the dragon) Well, I have to save my ass.