Spaceballs quotes

View Quote Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
[President Skroob walks in.]
Skroob: What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: One, two, three, four, five.
Skroob: One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!
[Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look.]
Skroob: Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir.
Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage!

View Quote Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now, you're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happend to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Were at now, now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then!
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now.
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to scene showing protagonists wandering in desert.]
Corporal: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?!
Corporal: We have identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?!
Corporal: It's the moon of Vega.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: [increasingly flustered] When?!
Corporal: 1900 hours.
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: Who!! [mask falls down]

View Quote Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

View Quote Lone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (Thinks about what he has just said, then nods in approval.)
Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. [1]
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing-—which is what you are about to become.

View Quote Lone Starr: I wonder: Will we ever see each other again?
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

View Quote Lone Starr: Oh, great, that's just what we needed: a Druish princess!
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

View Quote Lone Starr: Yogurt. What is this place? What is it that you do here?
Yogurt: Moichandising.
Barf: Merchandising? What's that?
Yogurt: Moichandising. Come! I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door.
[Yogurt walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise.]
Yogurt: Moichandising! Moichandising! Moichandising! Where the real money from the movie is made! Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book [holds up a Transformers comic book], Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal. Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower... [fires a short blast from flame thrower]
Dinks: Oooooohhhh!
Yogurt: The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll, me.
[Yogurt squeezes the doll, which says "May the Schwartz be with you!"]
Yogurt: Adorable.

View Quote Man in diner: We were lost, none of us knew where we were. Then Harry starts 'feeling around on all the trees' and he says... "I got it we on Pluto", I say, 'Harry how can ya tell", and he says, "from the bark, you dummies... Ha-ha! From the bark!"
(John Hurt's character convulses)
Woman in diner: Oh my god, is he all right? Get some water!
Man in Diner: Water? Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto Bismol!
(John Hurt starts groaning in pain)
Barf: Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
Waitress: Oh, he had the special.
Barf: The sp... that's that I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Lone Starr: Good move.
(chestburster emerges)
John Hurt: Oh no! Not again![2]

View Quote Priest: Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name!
Barf: Bartholomew!
Priest: Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf: No.
Priest: Then get over there!

View Quote Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet: [to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.

View Quote Vespa: How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad.
Barf: Not bad...for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!

View Quote Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf!
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.

View Quote [In a subsequent scene, the two guards confront Lone Starr and Barf dressed only in boxers and undershirts, both sporting black eyes.]
Guard 1: Hey, those are the guys who took our uniforms!
Guard 2: Yeah, and beat the shit out of us, too!

View Quote [Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss when Dot Matrix sounds an alarm.]
Lone Starr: [annoyed] What the hell was that?
Dot Matrix: That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

View Quote [Lone Starr parks the Eagle 5 in an illegal parking space]
Guard 1: Hey, what the hell is that thing?
Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings!
Guard 1: Hey, you can't park here!
Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! [Barf gives him the finger]
Guard 1: That son of a--! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!
Guard 2: Yeah! [they enter and get knocked unconscious]