Multiple Characters quotes

View Quote Spottswoode: Come into my car
Gary Johnston: Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get'n your car and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.
Spottswoode: No. I just want to show you something.
Gary Johnston: Yeah I'll bet you do.
Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to **** your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable!

View Quote [Gary - wearing a hooded cloak - approaches the gate of Kim Jong Ils palace to rescue his team mates who have been frozen in carbonite, the music resembles John Williams in his finest hour]
Guard: Who the hell you?
Gary Johnston: [waves hand, speaks with soothing deep booming voice in a Jedi Mind-Trick] I'm with the Film Actors Guild, here to help with the broadcast.
Guard: Then you show credentials!
Gary Johnston: [performs the mind-trick once more] Hey, you don't need to see my credentials. I left them at home, and I'm running late!
Other Guard: I berieve him
Guard: Yeah, me too! [...] Have nice day.
[cut to Team Base]
Spottswoode: By God. His acting is better than ever!

View Quote Gary Johnston: We were all out at the zoo one day. I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit. I fell in. Everyone screamed and Tommy jumped in after me, forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket. The gorillas just went wild. They jumped all over his body and... threw him around like a rag doll to get to those blueberries. One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla who, tossed him to another... Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help but it was too late. The gorillas... beat him to death, before the zookeepers could gas them all. My acting... got my brother killed. I got to live with that, every single day.
Lisa: Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.

View Quote Lisa: God, I'm so confused! It's too soon to be having feelings for you.
Gary Johnston: Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.

View Quote Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary Johnston: You know I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary Johnston: [blank and insincere] I Promise, I Will Never Die.

View Quote [Gary Johnston is pelted with rotten tomatoes]
Alec Baldwin: [To Gary] You cant out-act me, boy: don't even try it! [to audience] For the truth is: Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations. They are just as bad as the enemies... they... [dramatic pause] fight. [applause]
Gary Johnston: Oh, no, we are'nt! We're dicks! [surprise from audience] We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild... are pussies. And Kim Jong Il... is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get ****ed by dicks. But dicks - also - **** - assholes... assholes who just wanna shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can **** an asshole... is a dick... with some balls. The problem with dicks is, sometimes they **** too much or **** when it isn't appropriate...
Spottswoode: Yes, Gary, yes!
Gary Johnston: ...and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes, pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are only an inch and half away from assholes. [music of awe] I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know: If you don't let us **** - this - asshole, we're going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit!

View Quote Kim Jong Il: Don't ****ing move! [crowd stops]You were all going to be treated to a fablous show but now party's over! For I am the great Kim Jong Il!
Gary Johnston: [seeing Lisa] Lisa! [runs off]
Kim Jong Il: And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have lived!! [Lisa slides towards Kim Jong Il]
Lisa: Terrorize this. [kicks over the balcony. He falls onto the enlarged spike on an old style German military hat]

View Quote Chris: I hate to break this little party, but there are still a lot of bad guys out there.
Gary Johnston: Er-well, then let's show the bad guys the police are back in force!
Lisa: **** yeah.
Gary Johnston: **** yeah.

View Quote Gary Johnston: Jesus, this is a nice limo.
Spottswoode: Yes, it is. Now suck my ****!
[He pauses and grins sardonically]
Spottswoode: Heh, Heh. Just kidding!

View Quote Spottswoode: Baxter, I think we can valmorphanize safely now.
[Baxter presses the valmorphanize button, turning the limousine into a jet ("cool" music), and takes off (Team America theme)]
Gary Johnston: [(grim music)] Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat its own head?
Gary Johnston: No!
Spottswoode: So, then you haven't seen everything. And neither have we.

View Quote Spottswoode: Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think.
Lisa: Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood.

View Quote Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered, it would be 9/11 times a hundred.
Gary: Nine-eleven times a hundred... Jesus, that's...
Spottswoode: Yes. Ninety-one thousand one hundred.
Joe: Basically all the worst parts of the Bible.

View Quote Spottswoode: We will disguise you as as terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East. If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us all the information we need to stop this whole thing from happening. Of course, if you're not interested, there's the door.
Gary: Alright, thanks. (Walks out of the door.)
Spottswoode: Huh.

View Quote Joe: Wadda you think Spottswoode sees in him?
Lisa: I dunno, but I think I see it too.

View Quote Chris: Well, I am not going anywhere with this [lays hands on Gary] ****in' traitor!
Joe: Yeah! What makes you think we'll take you back, you douchebag?!
Chris: We're doing this without you!
Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me, that he is one hundred percent committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my ****!
[for a brief moment, the team gaze at Gary a little suspiciously]
Joe: Uhright! Come on, team, we gotta find that stage!

View Quote Kim Jong Il: And now you see: thenew world is inevetabre!
Lisa: It's what?
Kim Jong Il: Inev- inevitabre
Lisa: One more time...
Kim Jong Il: Inevitabre! Things are inevatbry going to change! God dammit, open your ****in' ears!

View Quote [The team are suddenly sprayed with bullets]
Joe: Jeez!
Chris: Wadda we got?
Joe: Looks like Liv Tyler and George Clooney at twenty yards!
Sarah: Look out! Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo!
[Gary kills Liv Tyler and George Clooney with a single hand grenade, beheading the latter]
Chris: Drop your weapons! [shoots Ethan Hawke]
Janeane Garofalo: ****ing die! [Gets her head valmorphanized slightly]

View Quote [Gary and Chris stumble onto a tied-up Susan Sarandon]
Susan Sarandon: Oh thank God. We have to stop the ceremony, Kim Jong Il is mad! Here, let me loose. I will show you where the theatre is.
Chris: Alright.
Gary Johnston: No Chris, stay away from her!
Chris: **** you, she wants to help us!
Gary Johnston: No.. Chris... She's acting.
[Chris looks puzzled]
Susan Sarandon: I am not! The others tied me up because I wouldn't go along with their plans!
Gary Johnston: Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
Susan Sarandon: [Screaming like Mr. Garrison] You shall die a peasant's death!

View Quote Tim Robbins: Don't ****ing move! [Everyone turns to Tim Robbins] Now isn't that a shame. you came so close to stopping peace, but you see: peace - always - finds - a way. Goodbye Team America!
Chris: I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins.
Tim Robbins: What's that?
Chris: I'm a smoker! [Flicks ciggarette at Tim Robbins who subsequently dies a screaming death amidst the flames.]