UHF quotes

View Quote Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.
George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Just BASH my head right in.
Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.
George Newman: Hey, Kuni!
Kuni: Hiya, George!
George Newman: Beginner's class today, huh?
Kuni: Yeah! They're so stupid! [A karate student is thrown out the window, it smashes and he falls to the pavement] STUPID!!!
R.J. Fletcher: You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?! Does this look like a Number 2 pencil?!
Richard Fletcher: No... but... I just thought --
R.J. Fletcher: You thought?! I don't [snaps pencil in two] pay you to think!
Richard Fletcher: But, Dad...
R.J. Fletcher: SHUT UP!

View Quote Bob: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

View Quote Bob: Well, I've got good news and bad news.
George Newman: OK, Let's have the bad news first.
Bob: Well, given our current financial status compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices...I figure this station should be flat broke by the end of this week.
George Newman: What's the good news?
Bob: I lied. There is no good news.

View Quote Bum: Hey, Mister!
George Newman: Not now, okay?
Bum: Well, I was just wondering if it was too late to buy any of them shares. [produces a large wad of money] I'll take whatever you got left!
George Newman: [amazed] How much is that?
Bum: Two thousand dollars, heh heh heh! Keep your change!

View Quote George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah yeah. That was FUN.
George Newman: Great! How would you like to do that every day?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat - WAIT A minute! Do I...still get to be the janitor?
George Newman: [Incredulously] Sure.
Stanley Spadowski: It's a DEAL!

View Quote George Newman: HEY, KIDS! WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
Kids: (Boring) To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse!
George Newman: THAT'S RIGHT! I'M YOUR UNCLE NUTZY! AND BOY, OH BOY. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SOME BIG FUN TONIGHT! Oh look and what in our kiddy corner. (To Billy) what's your name?
Billy: Uh, Billy.
George Newman: Billy what?
[Billy spits George Newman]

View Quote George Newman: Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go? [indifferent silence] That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all just gonna grow old and die someday.
Little Weasel: I wanna go home!
George Newman: Shut up, you little weasel! Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who mocks him and laughs at him as he's repeatedly crushed and maimed! Hope you enjoy it!

View Quote George Newman: I need a drink.
Bob: But you don't drink.
George Newman: Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

View Quote George Newman: Wait a minute... I think I'm missing something here.
R.J. Fletcher: Oh? Didn't I tell you? I own this place now.
George Newman: You what?!
R.J. Fletcher: What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?
George Newman: But, my Uncle Harvey --
R.J. Fletcher: Harvey Bilchik is flying in tomorrow night to close the deal!

View Quote George Newman: What do you got there, Bob?
Bob: The Ratings
George Newman: Don't tell me we showed up on the list!
Bob: We're Number 1!
George Newman: Say What?!?
Bob: We beat the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these notes. We got three shows in the top 5. Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse went through the roof. Do you know what this means? We're finally going to make some real money. George, We are the number 1 station in town!
[They both scream for excitement]
Announcer: There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U-62. First slam your way to health as you Stay Fit with Mike and Spike! Next, Everybody's favorite: Chef Bernie invites to go Bowling for Burgers! Sunday, Be a part of the excitement as we premiere our dazzling new game show, Strip Solitaire! And then, Join us for hilarious fun on The All New Practical Jokes and Bloopers! And you won't want to miss Celebrity Mud Wrestling with special guest: McCall Contraband! It's a whole new weekend on U-62, The reason television was invented!
Stanley Spadowski: Be there! [chuckles]

View Quote Harvey Bilchik: [lounging in his pool, answering his phone] YYYYO! Hey, Big Louie! So, what's up?
Big Louie: Bad news, Mr. Bilchik. None of your horses came in.
Harvey Bilchik: Aw, gee, too bad. So, what's the damages?
Big Louie: Seventy-five thousand dollars.

View Quote John Vector: R.J. Fletcher?
R.J. Fletcher: So what if I am?
John Vector: I'm John Vector, FCC. I've noticed your station is late in filing its license renewal this year. Now normally this kind of violation is punishable by a stiff fine. But I've been watching you lately, you made a big impression on me! Yeah, I am revoking your license. Effective immediately, you're off the air!

View Quote Kuni: Today, One of these lucky contestant wins his or her weight of fish. Right here on......
Audience: WHEEL! OF! FISH!
Kuni: Okay, Let's play the game! We start with yesterday's winner, Mrs. Phyllis Weaver.

View Quote One of Fletcher's thugs: [Motioning towards George] Who is this guy?
George Newman: [As Stallone's Rambo] I'm your worst nightmare!

View Quote Pamela Finklestein: [on phone] Yeah, but... yeah, but... "Broads don't belong in broadcasting?" Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?
R.J. Fletcher: Why, that's a terrible thing. I don't know how many time I've told those boys, "never call chicks broads."
Pamela FInklestein: [incensed] Why, you slimy... ooh! [hangs up]