Zoolander quotes

View Quote Hansel: Well, I guess you can Dere-lick my balls.
Derek: I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.

View Quote Hansel: Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.
Derek Zoolander: Fine.
Hansel: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Derek Zoolander: Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Hansel: Well, you go first.

View Quote J.P. Prewitt: The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?
Derek Zoolander: Mugatu!
J.P. Prewitt: [pauses] Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.
Matilda: Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.
J.P. Prewitt: You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the grassy knoll sure as shit were!
Derek Zoolander: But why male models?
J.P. Prewitt: Are you serious? I just told you.

View Quote Larry Zoolander: You're dead to me Derek. You're deader to me than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander: Mer-man! [high-pitched cough] Mer-man!

View Quote Matilda: [after Derek saves the prime minister] Derek that was unbelievable!
Derek Zoolander: I know! I turned left!
Matilda: No, you saved the prime minister!
Derek Zoolander: Oh, well, that's cool too.

View Quote Matilda: I became...
Hansel: What?
Matilda: Bulimic.
Derek Zoolander: ... you can read minds?

View Quote Matilda: I've been trying to reach you for a week.
Derek Zoolander: A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
Matilda: That was last Friday.
Derek Zoolander: Uh, Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?

View Quote Matilda: So when did you know you wanted to be a model?
Derek Zoolander: Hmm, I guess it would have to be the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking, "Wow, you're ridiculously good looking. Maybe you could do that for a career."
Matilda: Do what?
Derek Zoolander: Be professionally good looking.

View Quote Matilda: What time is it?
Derek Zoolander: Almost five.
Matilda: What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys--
Hansel: Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak-fest last night."

View Quote Matilda: When I was in seventh grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.
Derek Zoolander: Ew!

View Quote Maury Ballstein: What do we do when we fall off the horse?
Derek Zoolander: [thoughtfully looking up and mouthing the words silently] ... fall off the horse...
Maury Ballstein: [looking to supply finish] We... get back on!
Derek Zoolander: Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.

View Quote [Derek looks at the model for a moment, then throws it on the floor]
Derek Zoolander: What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?
Mugatu: Derek, it's just a small--
Derek Zoolander: I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

View Quote [...] I'm a hot little potato right now!

View Quote [after Derek says the center should be bigger] He's absolutely right.

View Quote [after he pokes a girl with a pin] Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now!