Clerks quotes

View Quote Veronica: I stopped by home and brought you some lunch.
Dante: What is it?
Veronica: Peanut butter and jelly with the crust cut off. What do you think it is? It's lasagna.
Dante: Really? Ah, you're the queen!
Veronica: I'm glad you've calmed down a bit. Hi, Randall.
Randal: 37?
Dante: Shut up. Yes, I've calmed down. I'm not happy but I'll be able to deal.
Randal: Slurp, slurp, slurp
Dante: Why don't you go back to the video store?

View Quote Video Store Customer: They say so much, but they never tell you if it's any good…are either one of these any good?
Randal: What?
Video Store Customer: Are either one of these any good?
Randal: I don't watch movies.
Video Store Customer: Well, have you heard anything about either one of them?
Randal: I find it's best to stay out of other people's affairs.
Video Store Customer: You mean you've haven't heard anybody say anything about either one of these?
Randal: Nope.
[The customer turns around, then holds up the same two movies.]
Video Store Customer: Well, what about these two?
Randal: Oh, they suck.
Video Store Customer: These are the same two movies! You weren't paying any attention!
Randal: No, I wasn't.
Video Store Customer: I don't think your manager would appreciate--
Randal: I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
Video Store Customer: I beg your pardon?
Randal: Your ruse, your cunning attempt to trick me.
Video Store Customer: I was only pointing out that you weren't paying any attention to what I was saying!
Randal: And, I hope it feels good.
Video Store Customer: You hope what feels good?
Randal: I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?
Video Store Customer: Well, this is the last time I rent here!
Randal: You'll be missed.
Video Store Customer: Screw you!
Randal: Hey! You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
Jay: (outside) Yeah!
Randal: Screw me?

View Quote [After Dante finds out about Veronica and Snowball]
Dante:...You sucked that guy's d*ck?!
Veronica: .Well, yeah. How do you think I knew--?
Dante: But you said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica: Because I never had sex with him.
Dante: You sucked his d*ck!
Veronica: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante: Oh my God, why did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica: Because I did only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica: Please calm down.
Dante: How many?
Veronica: Dante--
Dante: How many d*cks have you sucked?!
Veronica: Let it go!
Dante: How many?!
Veronica: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you ****ed!
Dante: This is different, this is important! How many?!
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante: ...Well?!
Veronica: Something like 36.
Dante: What?! Something like 36?!
Veronica: Lower your voice.
Dante: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36?! Does that include me?!
Veronica: Ummm, 37.
Dante: I'm 37?!
Veronica: I'm going to class.
[Customer comes up to counter]
Dante: Oh, my God. [To Customer] 37! My girlfriend sucked 37 d*cks!
Customer: In a row?

View Quote [Dante and Randal have just returned from a wake]
Dante: I can't ****in' believe you!
Randal: I'm tellin' you, it wasn't my fault!
Dante: You knocked the casket over!
Randal: It was an accident!
Dante: (sarcastically) Like somebody knocks a casket over on purpose!
Randal: It wasn't a big deal!
Dante: Her ****in' body fell out!
Randal: Just put it back in; it's not like it matters if she breaks something!
Dante: Just go! Just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah, open the video store!
Randal: Shut the **** up, junkie!
[Jay comes and farts on Randal and then hides behind Dante.]
Dante: Please, just go open the video store!
Jay: Yeah, you ****-smokin' clerk!
Dante: [to Jay] And what did I tell you about dealin' in front of the store?!
Jay: I'm not dealin' in front of the store!
[A guy walks up to Jay]
Random Person: You dealin'?
Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
[Dante, resigned, walks angrily into the Quick Stop.]

View Quote [Dante is painting Veronica's fingernails beneath the counter]
Veronica: You think anybody can see us down here?
Dante: Why? Do you wanna have sex or something?
Veronica: (sarcastically enthusiastic) Can we?

View Quote [Dante talks about the barrage of stupid questions he gets.]
[flashback]
Customer 1: What do you mean there's no ice? You mean, I have to drink this coffee hot?
Customer 2: So, how much is this thing anyway?
[The camera zooms out to show a sign behind her proclaiming that the items are on sale for 99 cents.]
Customer 3: Do you sell hubcaps for a '72 Pinto hatchback? Ooh! Mini-Trucker magazine!

View Quote [Dante, Randal, and several others are playing hockey on the roof of the store when the ball is hit off.]
Dante: Hey, any balls down there?
Jay: About the biggest pair you've ever seen, dingleberry.

View Quote [Olaf sings "Berserker" to a female, as well as Jay and Silent Bob.]
Olaf: My love for you is like a truck, berserker. Would you like some making ****, berserker.
Jay: That's ****in' funny, man.
Girl: Did he just say, "making ****"?

View Quote [Olaf sings a different part of "Berserker" to Snowball.]
Olaf: My love for you is ticking clock, berserker. Would you like to suck my ****, berserker.
Willam Black: That's beautiful, man.

View Quote [Randal has spit water at a customer.]
Dante: What the **** did you do that for?!
Randal: Two reasons. One, I hate it when the customers can't shut up about the stupid tabloid headlines.
Dante: Oh, Jesus!
Randal: And two, to prove a point, title does not dictate behavior.
Dante: What?!
Randal: If title dictated my behavior as a clerk serving the public, I wouldn't be allowed to spit water on that guy, but I did. My point is that people dicate their own behavior. Even though I work at a video store, I choose to rent videos at Big Choice. Agreed?
Dante: You're a danger to both the dead and the living.
Randal: I like to think that I am a master of my own destiny.
Dante: Please get the hell outta here!
Randal: You know I'm your hero.

View Quote [Randal is busy watching a transsexual adult film]
Caitlin: What are you watching?
Randal: Children's programming.
[regarding weird man examining dozens of eggs]
Customer: They call it "shell shock". It seems to only happen with guidance counselors. They use to make a big deal of it but they let just let it go now 'cuz they always pay for whatever they break and they never bother anybody.
Dante: Well, why guidance counselors?
Customer: Well, if your job was as meaningless as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?
Randal: Come to think of it, my guidance counselor was kinda worthless.
Randal: Embolism in a pool.
Dante: What an embarrassing way to die.
Randal: That's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died.
Dante: How did he die?
Randal: He broke his neck.
Dante: That's embarrassing?
Randal: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.
[Dante is trying to pry a customer's fist out a Pringle's can]
Dante: Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.
Customer: Usually, I just turn the can upside down.
Dante: Maybe we oughta soap your hand up.
Customer: They oughta put a warning on these things, like they do with cigarettes.
Dante: Oh, I think it's coming!
[Dante pulls the can off the customer's fist]
Customer: Heh, thanks. I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
Dante: I'll throw this out as a precautionary measure.
Customer: It stings a little.
Dante: A little word of advice, my friend: Sometimes you gotta let those hard-to-reach chips go.
Customer: Thanks.
[Randal walks in]
Dante: You know that article's accurate? Caitlin really is getting married.
Randal: You know what I just watched?
Dante: Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?
Dante: I can't believe I'm gonna miss the ****ing game!
Randal: Well, at least we're stuck here together.
Jay: My grandma use to say "What's better? ****in' a good plate with nothin' on it..." no wait, I ****ed up, "What's a good plate with nothing on it?"
Dante: Meaning?
Jay: I don't know. She was senile and shit. She use to ****in' piss herself all the time..and shit herself. C'mon Silent Bob lets get the **** outta this ****in' jib joint, with this ****in' **** Dante. You ****-smoker.

View Quote (To Dante about his constant complaining of the events that transpired during the day) Oh, **** you! **** you, pal! There you go, trying to pass the buck; "I'm the source of all your misery." Who closed the store to play hockey? Who closed the store to go to a wake? Who tried to get back together with his ex-girlfriend without even discussing how he felt with his present one?! You wanna blame somebody? Blame yourself! (mockingly) "I'm not even supposed to be here today." You sound like an asshole! Jesus, nobody twisted your arm to be here. You're here of your own volition. You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulder. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push ****ing buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more important than it really is. Christ, you work in a convenience store, Dante, and badly, I might add. I work in a shitty video store, badly as well. You know, that guy Jay's got it right, man. He has no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so ****ing advanced, what are we doing working here?

View Quote I need some tits and ass! Yo, I'm feeling good tonight Silent Bob, we're gonna make some money, you know what we gonna do, we gonna go to that party, get some pussy. I'll **** this bitch, I'll **** this bitch, I'll **** anything that moves!

View Quote [to Veronica] Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way to the parking lot! [a guy standing near the door begins to walk off] Hey! Hey, you! Get back here!

View Quote A woman makes a guy ****; it's standard. A guy makes a woman ****, it's talent.