Dogma quotes

View Quote Jay: I'm going back to Jersey and start up the business again. I can kick the shit out of little kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit.
voice of Metatron (flashback): Prophets. Two of 'em.
Bethany: You've got to be kidding me.

View Quote Loki: Now, wait, so all I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing and then I can go back home?
Bartleby: No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven. Then all we have to do is die.
Loki: Die?! I don't wanna die!
Bartleby: What, you'd rather hang around here for a few more eons?
Loki: No... we don't even know if we can die. All right, but what if we can and then, and then the arch thing doesn't work? What then, Hell? **** that.
Bartleby: It's impossible--
Loki: **** that!
Bartleby: If we cut off our wings and trans-substantiate to complete human form, we become mortal. If we die with clean souls, there's no way they can keep us out. We won't be angels anymore, but at least we can go back home.

View Quote Loki: Oh, there's just one thing I think we need to do before we leave. This is gonna help us get back on His good side.
Bartleby: What?
Loki: Here. I've been dreaming about this for five years. (he hands over a page from a magazine) Read that.
Bartleby (reading): "Mooby the Golden Calf: creating an empire out of simplicity."
Loki: I wanna hit 'em.
Bartleby: You really are just a simple creature. We finally get a way back in and you wanna jeopardize that 'cause you've got a soft spot for the good old days.
Loki: Hey, what better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied, thanks to you?
Bartleby: I really don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us!
Loki: "Killing spree"? I'm talking about Divine Justice here. I'm talking about raining down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked. He's all about that. I know He'd want this done!
Bartleby: There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit. Doesn't that mean anything to you? And besides, what if you're wrong, like you always are?
Loki: If I'm wrong, which I'm not, it's not gonna matter. We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway. We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.

View Quote Loki: Where's this church we have to go to?
Bartleby: New Jersey. Re-dedication ceremony is in four days.
(elevator door opens and the ex-angelic pair enter.)
Loki: Last four days on earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Let's kill people.
(a woman standing between them sputters, coughs, and spits coffee.)
Loki: Oh, not you!

View Quote Metatron: As I was saying, prior to your fire-fighting episode, I am the Metatron. (he pauses dramatically; Bethany gapes at him.) ... Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell. (Bethany shakes her head.) You people; if there isn't a movie about it it's not worth knowing, is it? I am a seraphim! (Bethany gapes again.) The highest choir of angels? (more gaping.) You do know what an angel is, don't you?!

View Quote Metatron: Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered, and his wrath was borne by the Angel of Death, name of Loki. When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed, that was Loki. When the waters wiped out everything with the exception of Noah and his menagerie, that was Loki. And he was good at what he did. But one day, he refused to bear God's wrath any longer.
Bethany: Why?
Metatron: Because he listened to his friend, a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
Bethany: "Grigori"?
Metatron: One of the choirs of angels. They're called "Watchers"--guess what they do. So, one day Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt--
Bethany: Ah, the Tenth Plague.
Metatron: Tell a person you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar! May I continue uninterrupted? Once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into a discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take one that doesn't involve slaughter. So... very inebriated... Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger - which ruins it for the rest of us, since from that day forward God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol, hence all the spitting. [Indicates the once-empty shot glass that he's been spitting Tequila into] So, for their insolence, God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby would ever be allowed back into Paradise.
Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history. And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for all eternity.
Bethany: And this has what to do with me?
Metatron: Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma that would allow them to re-enter Heaven.
Bethany: So what? They beat the system. Good for them.
Metatron: It's not that simple. If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree. Now, listen closely, because this bit's very important. Existence, in all its form and splendor, functions solely on one principle: God is infallible. To prove Him wrong would undo reality and everything that is. Up would become down, black would become white, existence would become nothingness. In essence, if they're allowed to enter that church, they'll unmake the world.
Bethany: If this is so big and important, why are you talking to me? Why doesn't God do something?
Metatron: He could, but He'd rather watch you handle this one personally.
Bethany: Why?
Metatron: Because of who you are.
Bethany: And who am I?
Metatron: The girl in the pj's! Don't ask so many questions; just serve your purpose!
Bethany: I think I'm gonna have to pass.
Metatron: I beg your pardon?
Bethany: When some quiet little infection came and destroyed my uterus, where was God? When my husband decided he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear his children, where was God? (scoffs) The hell with Him.
Metatron: Don't allow eons of history and life to be blinked out of being just because you have a grudge with your creator! So you lost the ability to make life; you're being given the chance to play "Mother" to the world by acting like one and protecting it. Saving it! ...But I can't make you. However, if you do choose to stop being selfish and uphold your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. (mumbling into tequila glass) In a manner of speaking. (back to normal volume) Two of them. The one who speaks... and he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one--well, he's the quiet type.

View Quote Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk, and look what he accomplished- and no one's asking you to build an ark. All you've got to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey?
Metatron: Mmm-hmm. (drinks a shot of tequila and spits it out into an empty glass)
Bethany: That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: (quickly and quietly into his next shot) Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. (takes the shot)
Bethany: Whoa, wait, what?
Metatron: (more clearly) Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus - Negating - All - Existence; I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.

View Quote Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any do****ented occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
Bethany: Why doesn't God speak for Himself?
Metatron: Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that: human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
Bethany: Well... how do I know you're an angel?
Metatron: What, you mean aside from the fiery entrance and expansive wingspan?

View Quote Nun: Let me get this straight. You don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking-Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"? That's an indictment of organized religion. The Walrus, with his girth and good nature, obviously represents either Buddha or, with his tusks, the Hindu elephant-god Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now, the Carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised as a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now, in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures insures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions, out-out of fear of some intangible parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, "Do it, do it and I'll ****ing spank you!"
Nun: The way you put it, I've never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I--?
Loki: Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take that money you've been collecting for your parish and go get yourself a nice dress. You know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment. 'Cause that's really all that life is, Sister. A series of moments. Why don't you seize yours? (the nun smiles, nods, and exits.) That a girl. That a girl.
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like ****ing with the clergy, man. I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes. Here's what I don't get about you. Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time?
Bartleby: My friend, because this is humanity at its best. Look at them. All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness... forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane. See those two? What the guy doesn't know is that the girl cheated on him while she was away.
Loki: She did?
Bartleby: Twice.
Loki: Nice.
Bartleby: But it doesn't matter right now, 'cause they're both just so relieved to be with one another. I like that. I wish they could all feel that way more often.
Loki: This is why I had to come down here this morning? This is why I had to miss my ****ing cartoons? You call me and tell me it's important so I can share in your half-ass obsession with a Hallmark moment?

View Quote Rufus: (to Jay and Bob) And if you clean up your language, I might just put in a good word for you two.
Silent Bob: Thanks!

View Quote Rufus: What are you doing stripping?
Serendipity: Well, you remember why I left, right?
Rufus: You were tired of doing all the work and getting none of the credit for your ideas.
Serendipity: So, I opted to quit being a muse. I gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, fifty bucks, and got sent out into the world to seek my fortune.
Bethany: So what happened?
Serendipity: ... Writer's block. Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake. I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself. Her quirky sense of humor.
Bethany: Whose?
Serendipity: God's.
Bethany: You're saying God's a woman?
Serendipity: Was there ever a doubt in your mind?
Bethany: He's always referred to as "He".
Serendipity: Well, that's not the way I wrote it. But one of the drawbacks to being intangible is that you have no say in the editorial process. The people that held the pens added their own perspective, and all the pen-holders were men. So "She" became a "He".

View Quote Rufus: You know, that's just what the good people of Antioch was saying, right before they stoned my ass.
Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: Well, that's one way of putting it. Another way is to say I was bludgeoned to shit by big ****ing rocks.

View Quote Serendipity: I used to specialize in entertainment. For example, I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Bethany: Nineteen?
Serendipity: ...Yeah... The one about the kid by himself in his house, burglars are trying to come in and he fights them off? Ah! (she makes a Macaulay Culkin face) I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.

View Quote Serendipity: Why is the last scion here?
Rufus: Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.
Serendipity: Not the plenary indulgence loophole.
Bethany: You know about that?
Serendipity: I always knew that thing was a bad idea. Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

View Quote (After a lot of drinks, Bethany has revealed her "mission")
(Rufus walks into the car.)
Rufus: (still groggy from his nap) Where the hell is everybody? I doze of an-- (he sees Bartleby)
Bartleby: The Apostle!
Rufus: Holy shit!
Bethany: Rufus, I'd like you to meet my new friend Barry.
(Bartleby smashes a beer bottle and holds it up to Bethany's neck.)
Bethany: Oh! (laughs) Don't be such a show off, Barry.
Rufus: Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go, and we can talk about this.
Bethany: Bartleby?!
Bartleby: So Rufus, this is what it comes down to; slaughter by a meat-puppet.
Bethany: Get your ****ing hands off me, you dick-less son-of-a-bitch!
Bartleby: Save it, lady. A minute ago you were aching to top me off. Loki!
Loki: Oh shit, the Apostle!
Jay: [waking up after dozing off] Pete, I didn't **** in you, I swear--
Loki: [to Rufus] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Bartleby: She just told me that she was on a mission to New Jersey to stop two angels.
Loki: Hey, you think they're talking about us?
Bartleby: No, two other ****ing angels! Yeah, it's a pretty good chance! Whaddya say Rufus, you wanna be liquidated?!
Rufus: You haven't thought about the consequences of your re-entry!
Loki: Consequences, schmonsequences!
Bartleby: Guess what, we're goin' home, no matter whose pride it may offend.
Rufus: It's not a matter of pride, stupid!
Bartleby: Loki, kill the girl.
Loki: What are you, high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything, you know that.
Bartleby: Then guess what, I'll kill her.
Jay: What the ****'s going on? I fall asleep and everyone moves, these guys are ****ing flat leavers.
Bartleby: Loki, shut his mouth.