Dogma quotes
162 total quotesLoki
Metatron
Multiple Characters
Rufus
Serendipity
View Quote
(Bartleby and Loki have missed the last bus to New Jersey.)
Bartleby: Nice. Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
Loki: Oh, bus, schmuss. Anyway, w-why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?
Bartleby: You mean fly?
Loki: We got wings, right? ****, let's use 'em!
Azrael: I wouldn't suggest that. You see, kids, you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now would you?
Bartleby: Nice. Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
Loki: Oh, bus, schmuss. Anyway, w-why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?
Bartleby: You mean fly?
Loki: We got wings, right? ****, let's use 'em!
Azrael: I wouldn't suggest that. You see, kids, you wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now would you?
View Quote
(Bartleby and Loki regroup after encountering Bethany, Rufus, and the "prophets" on a train.)
Loki: The apostle is here!
Bartleby: I noticed!
Loki: Well, then you know who the chick with him was, don't you?
Bartleby: The last Scion, I imagine!
Loki: Shit, man, look, maybe we should rethink this whole thing. I mean, I mean you heard the guy — he said there are "consequences"? And Azrael tells us we're marked? Look, man, there is more to this than we thought about.
Bartleby: I was close, you know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat.
Loki: Whoa.
Bartleby: You know how I felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even.
Loki: Are you all right, man? Your eyes are kind of--
Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him--angels and God. Then, He created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine Presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no! We're servants!
Loki: Okay. You know, all I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap.
Bartleby: Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite ****ing patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you, once, to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. Where was His infinite ****ing patience then?! It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think it's time we went home? (a pause) And to do that, I--I think we might have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Loki:Wait. Wait-wait. Kill them? You're talking about the last scion, for Christ's sake. And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were all right.
Bartleby: Don't. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul.
Loki: My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I said I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you ****ing do that to me!
Loki: You sound like the Morningstar.
Bartleby: You shut your ****ing mouth!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer, man! You've ****ing lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about ****ing war on God! Well, **** that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne! I'm going back to Wisconsin.
(Loki tries to leave; Bartleby catches him by the lapels and slams him into a pillar.)
Bartleby: We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise.
Loki: The apostle is here!
Bartleby: I noticed!
Loki: Well, then you know who the chick with him was, don't you?
Bartleby: The last Scion, I imagine!
Loki: Shit, man, look, maybe we should rethink this whole thing. I mean, I mean you heard the guy — he said there are "consequences"? And Azrael tells us we're marked? Look, man, there is more to this than we thought about.
Bartleby: I was close, you know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat.
Loki: Whoa.
Bartleby: You know how I felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even.
Loki: Are you all right, man? Your eyes are kind of--
Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him--angels and God. Then, He created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore Him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine Presence, and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way He made us! Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain, like they do. But no! We're servants!
Loki: Okay. You know, all I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap.
Bartleby: Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite ****ing patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you, once, to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. Where was His infinite ****ing patience then?! It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think it's time we went home? (a pause) And to do that, I--I think we might have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.
Loki:Wait. Wait-wait. Kill them? You're talking about the last scion, for Christ's sake. And what about Jay and Bob? I mean, those guys were all right.
Bartleby: Don't. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul.
Loki: My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I said I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you ****ing do that to me!
Loki: You sound like the Morningstar.
Bartleby: You shut your ****ing mouth!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer, man! You've ****ing lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about ****ing war on God! Well, **** that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne! I'm going back to Wisconsin.
(Loki tries to leave; Bartleby catches him by the lapels and slams him into a pillar.)
Bartleby: We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise.
View Quote
(Bartleby has doubts about Loki's ability to "spot a commandment-breaker".)
Loki: I can spot a commandment breaker from a mile away, bet on it.
Bartleby: This coming from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over which would be the bigger movie: E.T. or Krush Groove?"
Loki: Hey you know what, **** you man, because time will tell on that. What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Bartleby: Insinuating? No. Flat-out telling you.
Loki: I can spot a commandment breaker from a mile away, bet on it.
Bartleby: This coming from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over which would be the bigger movie: E.T. or Krush Groove?"
Loki: Hey you know what, **** you man, because time will tell on that. What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Bartleby: Insinuating? No. Flat-out telling you.
View Quote
(Bartleby, traveling as "Barry", has struck up a conversation with Bethany in a train's club car.)
Bartleby: You're divorced.
Bethany: That's a nice way of putting it. I call it being dumped.
Bartleby: I was, uh, dumped once.
Bethany: Don't you just constantly question your value? Like, "Why was I so easy to cast aside?"
Bartleby: And you, uh, wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses and call you back.
Bethany: And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
Bartleby: When actually, it, uh, it hurts more.
Bethany: You know what we need?
Bartleby: What do we need?
Bethany: We need drinks. We need a lot of drinks.
Bartleby: You're divorced.
Bethany: That's a nice way of putting it. I call it being dumped.
Bartleby: I was, uh, dumped once.
Bethany: Don't you just constantly question your value? Like, "Why was I so easy to cast aside?"
Bartleby: And you, uh, wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses and call you back.
Bethany: And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.
Bartleby: When actually, it, uh, it hurts more.
Bethany: You know what we need?
Bartleby: What do we need?
Bethany: We need drinks. We need a lot of drinks.
View Quote
(Bethany and her group are now on a train. She and Rufus are in their cabin and have a small conversation.)
Bethany: What's He like?
Rufus: He likes to listen to people talk. I remember the old days when we were sittin' around the fire. You know, whenever we were goin' on about unimportant shit, He'd always have a smile on his face. His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out His name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. The big one though, is the factioning of the religions. He said, "Mankind got it all wrong by takin' a good idea and building a belief structure out of it."
Bethany: So you're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I just think it's better to have an idea. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic belief system in this Plenary Indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief.
Bethany: What's He like?
Rufus: He likes to listen to people talk. I remember the old days when we were sittin' around the fire. You know, whenever we were goin' on about unimportant shit, He'd always have a smile on his face. His only real beef with mankind is the shit that gets carried out His name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. The big one though, is the factioning of the religions. He said, "Mankind got it all wrong by takin' a good idea and building a belief structure out of it."
Bethany: So you're saying that having beliefs is a bad thing?
Rufus: I just think it's better to have an idea. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier. People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now because of the Catholic belief system in this Plenary Indulgence bullshit. Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief, and if they're successful, you, me, all of this ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief.
View Quote
(Bethany is running through the woods and runs into a lake)
Bethany: (screaming at God) Why?!! What the **** do You want from me?! (she flails her arms in anger in the water) I ****ing hate You!!! (now crying) I hate You.
Metatron: (suddenly standing on the water before her) He can't hear you, you know. That's why we needed you.
Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?
Metatron: Would you... could you, have believed me? It was something you had to come to gradually. Only after everything you've seen, everything you've heard, could you possibly be able to accept the truth.
Bethany: I don't want this... it's too big...
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, not to be able to tell the son Himself, because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form. So... I had to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children- I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son, and that it meant a lifetime of persecution, and eventual crucifixion, at the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem. ... He begged to take it all back... as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true', and let me let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone before. If I had the power... I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same now. I sympathize, I do- I wish I could take it all back... but I can't. This... is who you are.
Bethany: ... Everything I am has been a lie?
Metatron: No, no no, knowing who you are now, doesn't mean you aren't who you were. You are Bethany Sloan! No one can take that away from you, not even God! ... All this means is a redefinition of that identity- the incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just... be this as well, from time to time.
Bethany: [Is finally able to smile a little] I guess this means no more cheating on my taxes?
Metatron: To say the least.
Bethany: (screaming at God) Why?!! What the **** do You want from me?! (she flails her arms in anger in the water) I ****ing hate You!!! (now crying) I hate You.
Metatron: (suddenly standing on the water before her) He can't hear you, you know. That's why we needed you.
Bethany: Why didn't you tell me?
Metatron: Would you... could you, have believed me? It was something you had to come to gradually. Only after everything you've seen, everything you've heard, could you possibly be able to accept the truth.
Bethany: I don't want this... it's too big...
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes... I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father, not to be able to tell the son Himself, because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form. So... I had to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children- I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son, and that it meant a lifetime of persecution, and eventual crucifixion, at the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem. ... He begged to take it all back... as if I could. He begged me to 'make it all not true', and let me let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone before. If I had the power... I would have. It's unfair! It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility, and it's unfair to ask you to do the same now. I sympathize, I do- I wish I could take it all back... but I can't. This... is who you are.
Bethany: ... Everything I am has been a lie?
Metatron: No, no no, knowing who you are now, doesn't mean you aren't who you were. You are Bethany Sloan! No one can take that away from you, not even God! ... All this means is a redefinition of that identity- the incorporation of this new data into who you are. Be who you've always been. Just... be this as well, from time to time.
Bethany: [Is finally able to smile a little] I guess this means no more cheating on my taxes?
Metatron: To say the least.
View Quote
(Liz has just fought her way through a group of pro-life protesters to enter the abortion clinic where she and Bethany work.)
Liz: You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?
Bethany: They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better.
Liz: Ah, they won't go for that one. We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.
Liz: You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?
Bethany: They hate me more than you, no doubt. At least you have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better.
Liz: Ah, they won't go for that one. We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.
View Quote
(Loki is shopping for guns.)
Gun Store Clerk: We call this one the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself.
Loki: It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. It doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this.
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah. I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, **** you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur, that's like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
Gun Store Clerk: We call this one the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself.
Loki: It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. It doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this.
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah. I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, **** you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can start a fire. Raining down sulfur, that's like an endurance trial. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
View Quote
(Loki, having just gunned down the corrupt board members at Mooby corporate HQ, helps the blood-spattered sole survivor to her feet and offers her a stick of gum.)
Loki: Gum? Go on, it's okay. You've done nothing wrong. Those other guys were finks. You're a pure soul. But you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed! (he brandishes his gun in her face)
Miss Pryce: Aaagh! (she covers her head.)
Bartleby, (from outside boardroom): Loki!
Loki, (to Ms. Pryce): You're getting off light!
Bartleby: Loki!
Loki: I know, I'm coming. (muttering) You're so lucky.
Loki: Gum? Go on, it's okay. You've done nothing wrong. Those other guys were finks. You're a pure soul. But you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed! (he brandishes his gun in her face)
Miss Pryce: Aaagh! (she covers her head.)
Bartleby, (from outside boardroom): Loki!
Loki, (to Ms. Pryce): You're getting off light!
Bartleby: Loki!
Loki: I know, I'm coming. (muttering) You're so lucky.
View Quote
(Metatron explains when God went missing.)
Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Bethany: Constitutionals?
Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
Metatron: The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years. He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anybody where he's playing, just goes away for a couple of hours. And from what I understand, he always gives his free points away to the neighborhood children- isn't that sweet?
Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Bethany: Constitutionals?
Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point. God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
Metatron: The Lord has quite a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years. He assumes a human form once a month and indulges. Doesn't tell anybody where he's playing, just goes away for a couple of hours. And from what I understand, he always gives his free points away to the neighborhood children- isn't that sweet?
View Quote
(Metatron teleported Bethany, Rufus, Jay and Silent Bob to a restaurant)
Jay: (Referring to his joint) ****, man, I think this shit just kicked it.
Rufus: Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now?
(Metatron sits down)
Metatron: Going out in style.
Rufus: The Voice!
Metatron: (Sarcastically) The apostle.
Jay: Now who is this mother****er?
Rufus: It's the Voice of God. Show some respect.
Jay: Oh, the Voice of God? Where's the rest of him?
Metatron: (Referring to God being kidnapped) It's funny you should mention that. We're not sure.
Jay: (Referring to his joint) ****, man, I think this shit just kicked it.
Rufus: Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now?
(Metatron sits down)
Metatron: Going out in style.
Rufus: The Voice!
Metatron: (Sarcastically) The apostle.
Jay: Now who is this mother****er?
Rufus: It's the Voice of God. Show some respect.
Jay: Oh, the Voice of God? Where's the rest of him?
Metatron: (Referring to God being kidnapped) It's funny you should mention that. We're not sure.
View Quote
(Rufus has recognized the girl at the strip club as the muse Serendipity.)
Rufus: I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Serendipity: Three years this August.
Bethany: Let me guess. The fourteenth apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: Oh, this girl's no woman.
Bethany: Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearing mother****er's got tits!
Serendipity: What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: her legs. But as you can see-- (she stands and hikes up her skirt) --I lack definition.
Jay: (from the other side of the club) Hey! They're gettin' a free show! Lemme' see that shit!
Bethany: Oh, God, another angel like the Metatron.
Serendipity: How do you know Metatron? [to Rufus] How does she know Metatron?
Rufus: This is the last Scion.
Serendipity: You're kidding. Wow!
Bethany: I'm confused.
Rufus: Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. Nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are.
Serendipity: I used to be an abstract.
Bethany: Now I'm really confused.
Serendipity: I'm a muse, stupid!
Rufus: I forgot you were down here. How long now?
Serendipity: Three years this August.
Bethany: Let me guess. The fourteenth apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: Oh, this girl's no woman.
Bethany: Oh, those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: What, these? You should know better than anyone at this table that tits don't make a woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearing mother****er's got tits!
Serendipity: What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things: her legs. But as you can see-- (she stands and hikes up her skirt) --I lack definition.
Jay: (from the other side of the club) Hey! They're gettin' a free show! Lemme' see that shit!
Bethany: Oh, God, another angel like the Metatron.
Serendipity: How do you know Metatron? [to Rufus] How does she know Metatron?
Rufus: This is the last Scion.
Serendipity: You're kidding. Wow!
Bethany: I'm confused.
Rufus: Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel. Nor is she by any means a human being like I was and you are.
Serendipity: I used to be an abstract.
Bethany: Now I'm really confused.
Serendipity: I'm a muse, stupid!
View Quote
(The group is in the woods.)
Bethany:I don't know why we had to leave the train, you threw those guys off.
Rufus: Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
Bethany:I don't know why we had to leave the train, you threw those guys off.
Rufus: Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
View Quote
[Azrael has Bethany and the others captive at a bar]
Bethany: So he's (Azrael) a muse too?
Serendipity: Former muse. [to Azrael in a sing-song voice] He was kicked out!
Azrael: Ever the ****ing apple polisher.
Bethany: So, what happened?
Azrael: Yes, what? Well, Lucifer had to start his little war for the throne; Heaven became divided into two factions: the Faithful and the Renegades. Oh, the ethereal planes were chaotic with battles, angel against angel, and when it was all said and done, God cast the rebels into perdition--
Serendipity: But Azrael refused to fight. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
Jay: What are you? Some kinda ****in' chicken?
Azrael: No .I was an artist, stupid! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle.
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons; something he considers a "grave injustice".
Azrael: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
Serendipity: Nope. It never bothered me. So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from serving his country in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a shmuck!
Azrael: [sourly] Nice.
Bethany: So all of this is about revenge? You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
Azrael: After the first million years? No; the escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So, I studied up on the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself, which it did in Catholicism--Plenary Indulgence--but I couldn't exercise it; demons can't become human. No, we can't tran-substantiate, but angels can.
Bethany: Bartleby and Loki.
Azrael: [he taps his finger to his temple as to indicate that she's figured it out] After that, it was all a matter of waiting for a church to celebrate their bicentennial, and when it did, I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the pit kept them cloaked and off of Heaven's radars, and aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan, not a soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. But, the Almighty could still splooch the whole deal, so I had Him dispatched in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Serendipity: [correcting Azrael] Her. And how? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh, no. I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you don't reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you think you are to winning. [Serendipity sighs in mock disappointment] The only x-factor was the involvement of the Last Scion here, but fat lotta good that did ya. I mean, here you all are. [he tosses his machine gun to one of the triplets] Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Bethany: Look, asshole. I don't know if anyone's explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence; even you!
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. I'd rather not exist than go back to that, and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it!
Serendipity: [gets out of her seat and pushes Azrael] Still only thinking about yourself; you ****in' child!
Azrael: [calmly speaking and forcefully pushing her back into her seat having one of the triplets guard her] Now ,now, now, things are getting a little hectic in here.
Bethany: So he's (Azrael) a muse too?
Serendipity: Former muse. [to Azrael in a sing-song voice] He was kicked out!
Azrael: Ever the ****ing apple polisher.
Bethany: So, what happened?
Azrael: Yes, what? Well, Lucifer had to start his little war for the throne; Heaven became divided into two factions: the Faithful and the Renegades. Oh, the ethereal planes were chaotic with battles, angel against angel, and when it was all said and done, God cast the rebels into perdition--
Serendipity: But Azrael refused to fight. He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.
Jay: What are you? Some kinda ****in' chicken?
Azrael: No .I was an artist, stupid! I was inspiration! A muse has no place in battle.
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to Hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons; something he considers a "grave injustice".
Azrael: Oh, come on. Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.
Serendipity: Nope. It never bothered me. So you were an artist. Big deal! Elvis was an artist, but that didn't stop him from serving his country in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a shmuck!
Azrael: [sourly] Nice.
Bethany: So all of this is about revenge? You're going to unmake existence because you have a grudge against God?
Azrael: After the first million years? No; the escape from Hell became my all-consuming reason. So, I studied up on the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself, which it did in Catholicism--Plenary Indulgence--but I couldn't exercise it; demons can't become human. No, we can't tran-substantiate, but angels can.
Bethany: Bartleby and Loki.
Azrael: [he taps his finger to his temple as to indicate that she's figured it out] After that, it was all a matter of waiting for a church to celebrate their bicentennial, and when it did, I sent the pair an article laced with ideas. An incantation I picked up in the pit kept them cloaked and off of Heaven's radars, and aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan, not a soul in Hell had a clue as to what was going on. But, the Almighty could still splooch the whole deal, so I had Him dispatched in a fairly ingenious fashion.
Serendipity: [correcting Azrael] Her. And how? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh, no. I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you don't reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you think you are to winning. [Serendipity sighs in mock disappointment] The only x-factor was the involvement of the Last Scion here, but fat lotta good that did ya. I mean, here you all are. [he tosses his machine gun to one of the triplets] Powerless to stop the inevitable.
Bethany: Look, asshole. I don't know if anyone's explained the rules to you, but if you succeed, everything gets blinked out of existence; even you!
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to Hell? I think not. I'd rather not exist than go back to that, and if everyone has to go down with me, so be it!
Serendipity: [gets out of her seat and pushes Azrael] Still only thinking about yourself; you ****in' child!
Azrael: [calmly speaking and forcefully pushing her back into her seat having one of the triplets guard her] Now ,now, now, things are getting a little hectic in here.
View Quote
[Bethany and her group have arrived at the church]
Bethany: Oh my God. [she places her face on Rufus's shoulder]
[The camera pans to show the slaughter of all the people at the church]
Jay: And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
Rufus: Are we too late?
Serendipity: To save these poor shmogs? [pause] Yeah, but we still exist.
Bethany: Where are they?
Rufus: They could already be in the church.
Serendipity: Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.
Jay: Are you ****ing kidding me? Homeboy right here's gonna hit 'em with his "Angel, be good" spell, ain'tcha, homie? [looks at Rufus and he rolls his eyes]
Serendipity: If they go in that archway, they come out clean, and if they die, they go straight up, and hello? [knocks on Jay's head] We know what happens then, right?
Jay: Why don't they just kill themselves?
Bethany: It's a mortal sin; you die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They're not tryin' to get to hell.
Jay: Then what the **** are supposed to do? Just wait for a solution to fall outta the ****in' sky? [right then, a body falls out of the sky in front of them, his head exploding on impact and they glance in shock] Friend of yours?
Loki: No, that was a cardinal. [the camera goes to him holding a wine bottle and his wings cut off] You can't tell from his face but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
Jay: It's one of them; kill that mother****er! [he preps the machine gun taken from Azrael, but Bethany and Silent Bob knock it out of his hands]
Bethany: No! Don't you understand; we can't touch him!
Jay: I wasn't gonna touch him; I was gonna shoot his ass!
Loki: [looking up] Yeah, he's been at it for a while. [everyone else looks up to see Bartleby with a bystander in his hands] We-we ran outta parishioners, and so we just started pickin' folk up off the road and just droppin' 'em. This is just eons of repression getting purged. If only He let us just jerk off, y'know? [everybody looks at him with disgust] Oh-j-just take a-take a step back. [the bystander that Bartleby had lands right in front of them and Bethany shrieks then runs toward Loki while the others try to hold her back]
Bethany: N-let me go! [to Loki while pushing him] Why?! What are you trying to prove?! All those people!!
Loki: Hey, this wasn't my idea, all right?! [he pushes her out of the way, then Jay and Bob try to attack him, but Rufus holds them back] Jesus Christ! I just wanted to go home, with him [Bartleby], y'know? But he just lost it! He figured out who you were and what you were gonna have to do; he-h-h-he just snapped! And the funny thing is this guy couldn't stand to see me work! He-h-h-he said he felt sorry for you people. ... Now look at him.
Jay: This guy's ****in' drunker than hell!
Serendipity: Which means he's human now. His wings have been cut off. [she drops his severed wing and approaches him] Loki...Loki...
Loki: [realizing who she is] The muse?! Oh, no way! How long's it be--you look terrific, whoa! Hey, what's with the tits; can I--?
Serendipity: Have you gone through the archway? [Bob helps Bethany up and she asks him again] Tell me, have you gone in and out of the archway yet?!
Bartleby: [ominously] No! [he then descends down in front of the church]
Loki: Uup, he's back. [Loki then walks away]
[Everybody then looks up at him while he descends from the sky and finally lands in front of the church archway.]
Bartleby: We were awaiting your arrival.
Serendipity: Bartleby, look, listen to me; Azrael was just using you! If you go through--[Bartleby then slaps her down to the ground]
Bartleby: I've become aware of the repercussions, muse. I know what I'm doing.
Bethany: [running up to him and pushing him] You sick twisted ****!
Bartleby: [grabbing Bethany and holding his knife to her neck] Bethany. [Jay and Bob try to go for him, but Rufus holds them back] You of all people should know what I'm trying to accomplish here. You too know what it's like to be cast aside. You've dealt with the pain for a few years. I've dealt with it for a millenia. So, even though you can't see your ex-husband, or how blissful he is with his new wife--[pause] --and he is, [Jay and Bob again try to go for him with Rufus holding them back] I've seen you people everyday being a constant reminder that though, my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And while you know forgiveness, we only know regret. [turning her around to face him] The lesson must be taught. All are accountable, even God! [he pushes her to Jay, Bob and Rufus] Soon, a cadre of police will be here to execute us while we exit the church, and then this failed experiment called "existence" will cease to be.
Bethany: Oh my God. [she places her face on Rufus's shoulder]
[The camera pans to show the slaughter of all the people at the church]
Jay: And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.
Rufus: Are we too late?
Serendipity: To save these poor shmogs? [pause] Yeah, but we still exist.
Bethany: Where are they?
Rufus: They could already be in the church.
Serendipity: Which means if they come out, nobody touches them.
Jay: Are you ****ing kidding me? Homeboy right here's gonna hit 'em with his "Angel, be good" spell, ain'tcha, homie? [looks at Rufus and he rolls his eyes]
Serendipity: If they go in that archway, they come out clean, and if they die, they go straight up, and hello? [knocks on Jay's head] We know what happens then, right?
Jay: Why don't they just kill themselves?
Bethany: It's a mortal sin; you die with a mortal sin on your soul and you burn. They're not tryin' to get to hell.
Jay: Then what the **** are supposed to do? Just wait for a solution to fall outta the ****in' sky? [right then, a body falls out of the sky in front of them, his head exploding on impact and they glance in shock] Friend of yours?
Loki: No, that was a cardinal. [the camera goes to him holding a wine bottle and his wings cut off] You can't tell from his face but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.
Jay: It's one of them; kill that mother****er! [he preps the machine gun taken from Azrael, but Bethany and Silent Bob knock it out of his hands]
Bethany: No! Don't you understand; we can't touch him!
Jay: I wasn't gonna touch him; I was gonna shoot his ass!
Loki: [looking up] Yeah, he's been at it for a while. [everyone else looks up to see Bartleby with a bystander in his hands] We-we ran outta parishioners, and so we just started pickin' folk up off the road and just droppin' 'em. This is just eons of repression getting purged. If only He let us just jerk off, y'know? [everybody looks at him with disgust] Oh-j-just take a-take a step back. [the bystander that Bartleby had lands right in front of them and Bethany shrieks then runs toward Loki while the others try to hold her back]
Bethany: N-let me go! [to Loki while pushing him] Why?! What are you trying to prove?! All those people!!
Loki: Hey, this wasn't my idea, all right?! [he pushes her out of the way, then Jay and Bob try to attack him, but Rufus holds them back] Jesus Christ! I just wanted to go home, with him [Bartleby], y'know? But he just lost it! He figured out who you were and what you were gonna have to do; he-h-h-he just snapped! And the funny thing is this guy couldn't stand to see me work! He-h-h-he said he felt sorry for you people. ... Now look at him.
Jay: This guy's ****in' drunker than hell!
Serendipity: Which means he's human now. His wings have been cut off. [she drops his severed wing and approaches him] Loki...Loki...
Loki: [realizing who she is] The muse?! Oh, no way! How long's it be--you look terrific, whoa! Hey, what's with the tits; can I--?
Serendipity: Have you gone through the archway? [Bob helps Bethany up and she asks him again] Tell me, have you gone in and out of the archway yet?!
Bartleby: [ominously] No! [he then descends down in front of the church]
Loki: Uup, he's back. [Loki then walks away]
[Everybody then looks up at him while he descends from the sky and finally lands in front of the church archway.]
Bartleby: We were awaiting your arrival.
Serendipity: Bartleby, look, listen to me; Azrael was just using you! If you go through--[Bartleby then slaps her down to the ground]
Bartleby: I've become aware of the repercussions, muse. I know what I'm doing.
Bethany: [running up to him and pushing him] You sick twisted ****!
Bartleby: [grabbing Bethany and holding his knife to her neck] Bethany. [Jay and Bob try to go for him, but Rufus holds them back] You of all people should know what I'm trying to accomplish here. You too know what it's like to be cast aside. You've dealt with the pain for a few years. I've dealt with it for a millenia. So, even though you can't see your ex-husband, or how blissful he is with his new wife--[pause] --and he is, [Jay and Bob again try to go for him with Rufus holding them back] I've seen you people everyday being a constant reminder that though, my kind came first, your kind was most revered. And while you know forgiveness, we only know regret. [turning her around to face him] The lesson must be taught. All are accountable, even God! [he pushes her to Jay, Bob and Rufus] Soon, a cadre of police will be here to execute us while we exit the church, and then this failed experiment called "existence" will cease to be.